Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Insanity and My Addiction to Pain

I know this little blog isn't super popular. I only have 6 subscribers in total, and a couple of those are only here for my daily art and jewelry crap. I don't see the names of the people who subscribe to my blog's feed, but I'm willing to bet that those people aren't four of my closest friends who know me inside out. Most of the things I blog about aren't really personal. I mainly want to share my art, recipes, and (sometimes) experiences. This post, however, will give you a real look into my life and mind.

I am probably one of the best examples of a person debilitated by stress. I live with three cats, my mother, her two sisters, and her two brothers, one of which has Down Syndrome. My boyfriend moved in about a year and a half ago. So far, maybe this doesn't seem so bad. What seventeen-year-old gets to live with her boyfriend, for that's how old I was at the time he moved in? Keep in mind that no one in my family went to college. They all have entry-level jobs in food service, so they put in about forty hours a week for little money. That's part of why we live together. The bigger reason is to take care of Chris, my retarded uncle.

My two aunts (I have a third, but she is the only married member of the family and lives outside of this house) are easily two of the dumbest, ignorant, most miserable people I've ever met. They're kind to others, especially at work where they deal with people all day, but all the tension and anger piles up until the get home, when they complain about things that are out of their control and have stupid reasons for hating the world. They also fuss over the cats like they're their children, picking them up whenever they walk by, kissing them constantly (and loudly) and talking to them like babies. It's beyond words how awful this is. My cat's shrink back from them sometimes, but they don't care.

Among almost all of the family members, there's arguing. My mom is almost deaf in one ear from wearing a headset at work all day, so she's obnoxiously loud naturally, and pairing that with a couple irritable people makes for stress that you can't know unless you've been there. Recently, my uncle Chris has been declining, and it seems like every plan to get him help has failed to get off the ground. No one really knows how to treat him kindly, so he goes into his room and screams at them through the door. They usually yell back. More stress.

I have almost every stress-induced symptom known to man. I have severe joint pain, insomnia, chronic fatigue (even when I sleep well), weight issues (loss in my case), dizziness, headaches, migraines, and spotty vision. All of that made me miss so much school my junior year that the school dropped me out. Up until my junior year I only had the headaches and insomnia, then everything came on at once. Instead of staying up for 24 hours, I could only stay awake for 8. I was a wreck.

I've been depressed for years, probably as early as my seventh grade, I'd say. I'm the type to really lash out at someone who really pisses me off, but I usually have to hold that in check. I have enough control to never lash out at a teacher, for instance, mostly because I've always cared very much about consequences and first impressions. My anger is reserved for those who will forgive me later, which has caused more problems than anything, really. I've been in relationships that were perfect up until it reached a certain point of comfort, then they attracted my wrath like a magnet, ending the relationship.

Music has been my outlet. Many people out there say metal and hard rock music promotes violence. Maybe for the weak. For me, I channel my anger into those grinding melodies and let it relax me. The metal pulls the anger away, and I feel much better afterwards. I've never turned to smoking, cutting, drugs, or alcohol. Those leave permanent scars, and scars aren't consequences I like. Furthermore, what if alcohol, for instance, brought me pain relief that I never imagined? Then I have the type of personality to become Clark Summit, PA's next alcoholic. Good bye, life! I don't even like taking pain relievers for the same reason. I know Advil is not physically addictive, but I don't want it as my crutch. I've built up an abnormally high pain tolerance over the years just because I've suffered through so many headaches.

With my current boyfriend Tim in the picture, my insomnia has barely existed. But right now he's away for a two week testing period at a college he may attend. He's been gone over a week, and in that week, I've barely slept. All the stress has no outlet. I'm a machine of angst, adrenaline, and pain. Every part of my body hurts right now.

With every waking hour, I feel a million emotions. The slightest thing makes me panic. I'm hostile to almost everyone and everything. Little bits of insanity keep poking in through my armor of anger, weakened as it is by my horrid sleep patterns. I feel the need to release all of it, but I can't. I'm drawn to that pain like a heroine addict is drawn to a needle. I let it build and build, and the more it builds, the more insane I become - the more sadistic, panicked, volatile, and agonized I become. It is a terrifying, exhilarating, tingling feeling all over my body. All the conflicting emotions bring out the adrenaline and the inspiration.

I have spent years training myself to embrace the pain rather than hide it. I practically absorb it into myself, using it as fuel to keep myself going day after day.

Perhaps that is why I am an insomniac.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Artemis 19 Official Site - Music

I started making techno music. This is my site for it. :)
Artemis 19 Official Site - Music

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Daily Art - "Bird's Nest"

I think this is appropriate for spring. :) It has the blues of a bluebird against the browns of twigs and branches.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

New Template

It's really purple. I might change the text colors in a few days if this doesn't work out, but I'll keep it the same for now.

Daily Art - No Trespassing Tattoo Design

This is a tattoo I designed for a friend of a friend. i did it quickly, so it's not the cleanest looking picture, but I still think it turned out well.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Thoughts on Health Care Reform

I'm not a political person by any means. I usually avoid politics if I can. I've never even voted, only having turned 18 recently. Still, as a United States citizen, the health care reform affects me. I've seen so many different views on the bill passed. There are the extremists on both sides, the not-sure-but-leaning-one-way people, and the "not enough" or "too much" people. Unlike most things political, it seems that there are no people totally neutral to the health care bill.

A bunch of states, including my own Pennsylvania, are fighting the bill, claiming it is unconstitutional. I don't care what party you are, or what your income is. How horrible of a person does someone have to be to deny fellow humans the right to a doctor? How is it humane to let your neighbor die because she can't afford a surgery, or watch a friend suffer needlessly because he can't pay for the help he needs? Maybe the bill isn't the best option, but it's better than letting thousands suffer and die.

Furthermore, there are people who hate the "socialist" bill because it's...wait for it...more for the people than the government. Last I checked, the politicians made enough money and had health care of their own to be just fine, and the citizens who are NOT politicians outnumber those that are significantly. Moving on.

I see people complaining about their taxes being raised. The people who are getting a tax increase are individuals that made $200,000 a year, and couples that make $250,000. That's more than enough to live comfortably, so you have no right to complain about a tax raise. The 4 working members of my family only bring in about $50,000-60,000 total per year.

I really hope that none of the politicians fighting this bill so adamantly are religious. Many Republicans I know are Christians of one sect or another, and yet they're so greedy that they'd rather keep their $200,000 than help out those less fortunate than themselves. What this debate really comes down to is the rich trying to keep their funds from the poor, for whatever reason. If you're one of those wealthy people opposing this bill, keep in mind the people who suffer needlessly. If you're religious, remember your faith and think about the morals you were taught. Remember that everyone needs medical help at some point.

I think the world would be a better place if everyone, just once, could really understand what it's like to have nothing. Then maybe they would find it in their hearts to support one another.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Daily Art - Pink Ribbons

Some funky fractal pink ribbons. :D

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Daily Art - Duct Tape Purse

I make custom duct tape purses, and this is one I made for a customer. If you want to order your own, visit or to place an order. :D

Monday, March 1, 2010