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Friday, September 30, 2011

October

I'm inexplicably excited for October this year. It's my favorite month, largely due to all the scary Halloween stuff, tasty apple and pumpkin stuff, and all the birthday stuff. My uncle's birthday is the 10th, my mom's is the 18th, mine is the 23rd, and my friend Travis' is the 29th (I think). One of the sites I hang around, a virtual pet site called Aywas, has tons of events going on this month, so I'm definitely excited about those. I just spent all day drawing for a bunch of their contests. Mostly, I think I'm just looking forward to a month filled with good stuff when the rest of the year hasn't treated me so well thus far.

If you want to check out Aywas, I get stuff for referring people, so use my link to sign up. They do all the member applications by hand, so it might take a little while to get your confirmation email. The site's a great place to sell artwork or make real life money on their contests. There's lots of pets to collect, or you can make customs and breed them to make unique pets. Below is one I made for the monthly shop contest:


Just to make sure this post is more than me being really excited that October starts in a few hours and I'll know if I won those contests, here's a recipe for pumpkin cake that needs to be shared. I made it a few times last year,a and it was a big hit with everybody. I recommend using Betty Crocker's Cream Cheese frosting. Don't use Pillsbury - they have wonderful cakes and terrible icings. XD I leave the nuts out. I only like walnuts in brownies. Also, a 12 X 18 pan is HUGE. You can halve the recipe and use a standard 9 X 13 if that's too much cake for you. :)

Unrelated to cake but related to cooking, I made a new barbecue sauce recipe! It's apple spice flavored, and after I tweak it just a little bit, I'll post the recipe. 


Ingredients
2 cups white sugar
1 1/4 cups vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups canned pumpkin
4 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)


Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour a 12x18 inch pan. Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Set aside.

In a large bowl combine sugar and oil. Blend in vanilla and pumpkin, then beat in eggs one at a time.

Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in nuts. Spread batter into prepared 12x18 inch pan.

Bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Allow to cool before frosting.

Daily Art - Bug Demon Skull

I just wanted to practice some bone coloring.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Bagels Are Sadness

My family had no money for groceries when I asked a few days ago, and the food stamps I normally depend on haven't been renewed thanks to a system glitch somewhere, so I haven't really had much to eat this week. I was low on stuff last week. Last night I ate the last pack of ramen I had, and right now, about all I have is a bag of four plain bagels. There's some rice downstairs in the kitchen, but I ate tons of rice last week while we ran out of everything else.

I'll eat a bagel tonight, I guess, since the last thing I ate was a bagel this morning. Now I'm going to be sad while I eat it, and the next bagel will probably make me sad, too. I have a little cookie dough, some iced tea, stale cereals and cheese curls, and bagels. Sad-tasting bagels are the obvious choice. 

Daily Art - "Fear the Reaper"

I made this using a gradient that I made from a picture of Light from Death Note. I think it was fitting that it turned out to look like a lot of little scythes.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Daily Art - Greek Tattoo

This was a tattoo commission I did. The word is Greek, and it's generally the idea that you should do everything in life to the best of your ability. The first one I did with lots of vines, and the second is more tribal.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Pros and Cons of My Health

I have more things wrong with me than I can keep track of. It's not all bad, though, and in some things are half great and half awful. There's almost definitely stuff I'm missing, but this is what I came up with over a few days.

The Good Stuff

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.
I can eat a full meal to the point of being very full, then be hungry again two hours later. I can essentially eat whatever I want and never gain a pound.

2. I'm bipolar.
The manic half of bipolar disorder leads to days of hyper, productive euphoria and good moods.

3. I look nice.
I have reasonably clear skin and a decent figure. I'm more comfortable with my body than most people ever will be.

4. I have excellent hearing.
It can be a little selective at times, but I can hear really slight sounds and make out conversations from very far away.

5. I metabolize sugar faster than most people.
This allows me to take in massive amounts of pixie sticks and not turn diabetic.

6. I have a high tolerance for pain.
Mostly because I live with it every day.

7. I have perfect blood pressure.
This amazes me. Everything else wrong, and my BP is right where it should be on the dot.

8. I'm a fast runner.
I'm short, so my tiny little legs don't let me keep up with everyone as well as I'd like, but I can run pretty fast if I need to.

9. I heal insanely fast.
I'm hard to cut open. If I do get a cut, it has to be really deep before I bleed even the tiniest amount. I almost never bruise. I don't callus. I heal so fast that I rarely scar, and my scars fade a lot over time. My broken finger healed like, two weeks ahead of schedule, much to the happiness of my doctor. 



The Bad Stuff 

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.
It's speeding up. I lost a bunch of weight a couple years ago. I was at 105 at my heaviest, I think, which was essentially a perfect weight for little 5-foot-tall me. I dropped down to 92 over the course of about 3 months, and no one knew why. I had no change in diet or anything. It just sort of happened when all my other issues happened. I've gotten back up to 95, and now, even though I eat constantly, I can't gain any more. I'm always hungry. I eat more than my boyfriend does, and he's gaining weight. There's not really much I can do about it.

2. I'm bipolar.
The depressive aspect of bipolar disorder comes with being miserable, snapping at everyone, feeling tired, being sad, and just generally being really unhappy with everything. There are also a whole ton of negative things that are symptoms, most of which I have (though whether they're from the bipolar or something else I don't know), such as chronic pain, mood swings, etc.

3. I have frequent headaches.
Sometimes they come on by themselves. Others, they're triggered. I get headaches really easily. Too much noise will give me one. So will frequently switching songs without hearing them fully. I think it's because it breaks the flow that my mind expects, but that's just a theory. I don't like loud noises; having the TV too loud is actually quite painful. Sounds I dislike, like whistling, can give me one. Interestingly enough, I've done entire works of art in Sharpie and had no issues.

4. My joints all ache.
I have arthritis in my hands. My left index finger, which I broke a few years ago, just started having severe pain. My right wrist was starting to develop carpal tunnel once, but I was able to reverse it. My knees ache a lot.

5. I have to crack my joints to keep them from causing excruciating pain.
I can crack a whole ton of things. It's how I start my morning so I can move. As time passes, my joints get very stiff and sore as pressure builds up. Cracking joints relieves the pressure, loosens them up, and lets me continue working. My back is the best example of this. My spine sort of contracts, and if I don't crack it, it feels like the bones are grating, and the slightest movement sends a sharp pain down my back as if I've been stabbed. It hurts enough that I can't move for a second after it happens. Cracking it makes it all better. It sucks, especially, since I know lots of people don't like the sound, but I really do need to do it. 

6. I have slight scoliosis.
It's a condition where your spine is curved. In my case, it's likely from heavy backpacks in my early school years. It's minor, but it makes my back a little sore sometimes depending on how I sit.

7. I probably have asthma.
At the very least, I have really weak lungs. Moderate exertion makes my lungs burn and ache, and it takes over an hour before the pain goes away. I spent most of my childhood years in a trailer we heated with kerosene heaters. I suspect the oily smoke didn't help my lung development much.

8. I have a very weak immune system.
I get sick easily. I get very high fevers, and there have been several times when I've spent a week being really, really sick.

9. I frequently get dizzy.
Seeing lights burst in my vision, dark spots, and sometimes my vision just going black all happen all to frequently. It happens a lot when I do too much physical activity, but sometimes I'll just be sitting at my computer doing nothing.

10. I cant handle heat.
My body runs at 95 degrees. It pretty much stops functioning in temperatures above 95, and slows down drastically above 85. I get nauseous to the point where I barely eat, I get dizzy, I black out, and I can't breathe. Last year, my boyfriend and I went to a big camping/concert/party weekend. The last day there, we were packing up the tent in the sun, and it was probably about 92 degrees. I hadn't eaten much for breakfast because our stove ran out of propane. I blacked out, almost threw up, and ended up sitting on the bumper in the shade soaking myself with water while he did most of the work. My heart rate was way up, and so was my breathing. I don't know if that was heat stroke point, but if it wasn't, it was pretty damn close.

11. I have terrible balance.
I'm lucky I can stand up without tipping over, and I do tip a lot. My ex used to say I'd better never end up in a situation where I needed to take a sobriety test, because I would fail miserably when totally sober. I can walk in high heels and sprint through the woods no problem, though.

12. I'm slightly lactose intolerant.
It's really minor, so it's not a huge deal, but it makes me a little picky about how much of what kind of milk I'm willing to drink. Too much makes me queasy.

13. My eyesight is awful.
I inherited bad eyesight on, like, all sides of my family. Things get blurry about 10 inches from my face, if that.

14. I sweat a lot.
Maybe it's because of my metabolism. I really don't know. It sucks, though. Even when I'm cold, I sweat.

15. I can't eat a lot.
I have a small stomach. On top of that, when I eat a lot, my heart rate speeds up and I get really tired while I digest stuff. I feel sort of sick and dizzy for about an hour.

16. I have a high tolerance for medication.
That means not much works for me, which isn't very good.

17. I have a few specific aches and pains that keep coming back.
I sometimes get a sharp pain in my left leg (right where it meets the hip) that forces me to walk with a really slight limp. I get it every now and then, and it goes away pretty quickly. My right ankle bothers me sometimes. My jaw hurts sometimes because I grind my teeth at night.

18. I get tons of bug bites.
My boyfriend and I have pretty substantial evidence that bugs go for the sweeter blood, and because of my naturally high blood sugar, I'm always the first choice. He used to be the only one in his family to ever get bitten. When I'm around, I get all the bites and he doesn't get any.

19. I can't tread water.
I mean, I can, but only for about 30 seconds. I'm not very buoyant, and my legs are sort of weak.

20. Being startled is very painful for me.
Adrenaline makes my heart beat faster and my chest ache. It really hurts, and it takes a while for that to calm down and go away. I don't appreciate being scared.

21. My heart rate can go past 200 when sitting still.
It fluctuates rapidly. It's anything but slow and steady.

22. I have frequent chest pains.
Doctors have looked and found nothing. Of course.

23. I can't stay on a regular sleep schedule.
I'm all over the place. Being bipolar doesn't help any, especially when I can stay up for 26 hours before feeling tired, be awake for 8 hours and need sleep, or be unable to stay asleep for more than 6 hours.

24. Sometimes my hands shake horribly.
Other times they're perfectly steady. 

Daily Art - "Feathery"

Well, that's that. I'm caught up with my fractals! I'll be posting a bunch of my drawings now, some of which I'm really excited to share on here. Since I'll be doing this blog regularly for a while now, it should be relatively up-to-date with my artwork projects.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Sunday, September 25, 2011

How to Tell if Site Changes are Real

There are a lot of chain letters circulating right now that claim you'll be paying for Facebook soon. Which of these can you believe? Here's a handy guide:

Do not believe it if...
1. ...you read it in a chain letter and received no alert directly from Facebook.

Hope that clears some stuff up! :D

Daily Art - "Your Bird Asplode"

I was playing around with a new fractal program. It's nifty, but not as functional as the one I normally use, so I doubt it'll see much use.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

My Top 25 Songs

It was absolutely impossible to make this list only 10 songs, which was my original intent. I like a lot of music. I just kept adding songs, then when I was pretty sure I had covered all my favorites, I prioritized them, which was really hard, since some of them are really difficult to compare. Interestingly enough, my favorite band Nightwish doesn't have a single song on this list. No matter which one I think of (and I love most of them), I can't bring myself to place it above any of these. Even after I started numbering these, I added a few more. I'm bad at this. XD

Apparently there was some copyright issue with putting links here (I guess), so I removed them. I'm not entirely sure if that's what the issue was and I don't see how they infringe on any rights whatsoever, but there. Hopefully Blogger is happy with this post now.

So a late edit: somehow "The Islander" by Nightwish kept slipping under my radar as I looked through things. That should go somewhere around...14-19? I guess? I don't really feel like giving it an exact placement since I'm not putting it in the list. XD

25. Juke Box Hero - Foreigner

24. Alsa tu Cerveza - Mago de Oz 
Also called "La Posada de los Muertos"

23. Bird and the Worm - The Used 

22. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers

21. The Unforgiven III - Metallica 

20. Zzyzx Road - Stone Sour
Specifically this version, which was played on the radio. There's a different version that has a different ending, and I don't like it so much. I had to host it myself just because it's so hard to find.

19. Every Time I Die - Children of Bodom

18. Fairy Tale - Shaman 

17. Headstones - Lake of Tears 

16. Sounds of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel

15. Paperthin Hymn - Anberlin

14. New Divide - Linkin Park

13. Sieze the Day - Avenged Sevenfold

12. What a Shame - Shinedown 

11. Sky Is Over - Serj Tankian

10. Endlessly, She Said - AFI

9. Wooden Pints - Korpiklaani
It's so freaking dancable.

8. Gone Forever - Three Days Grace

7. Billy in Despair - Maximum the Hormone
This is used as an ending theme for Death Note. I sort of fell in love with it. 

6. Rip Out the Wings of a Butterfly - HIM

5. I Don't Care - Apocalyptica
Featuring Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace for the vocals.

4. Bad Company - Bad Company
This song motivated me to write my book, and also influenced it. I remember liking this from the first time I heard it, which was when I was a kid. It's one of the only songs that's held up over the years.

3.Cybernetic Queen - Iron Savior

2. Life is Beautiful - Sixx AM

1. Gone Away - The Offspring
I couldn't tell you why this is my favorite, but it is.

Daily Art - "Ice Drake"

I love this one. I normally don't like all those little specks in my fractals, but I think they really contributed to the frosty look of this. It inspired someone else to do a manipulation of it because it reminded them of their character, and that was pretty cool. It's always nice to get notes asking your permission to use your art for more art because you really inspired and motivated someone. :D

Friday, September 23, 2011

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Daily Art - "Fairy Fire"

You D&D fans should know what fairy fire is. :) For those of you unfamiliar with the ways of magic, fairy fire is a spell (used often by drow in plenty of Forgotten Realms books) that outlines the target in harmless purple flames.

Quick RSS Update

I set the ads on my RSS feed to be only text, so no more image ads. :) I don't know how many people are subscribed to my feed (I knew at one point, and now I have no idea how to check), but thanks and enjoy less invasive advertising.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Weird Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

I assume my boyfriend knows all of this stuff (since he lives with me), and I imagine a lot of it has come up around our closest friends as well. For the rest of you, I make no sense. These are in no particular order (sorry), and some are much more serious than others.

I eat my oatmeal dry.
It's gross when it's warm and mushy. D: I use a spoon and eat it right out of the packet.

I went to court for truancy.
In 4th grade, I had a lot of really bad friend issues. The girl I thought was my best friend was sort of terrible, and then she was worse when I decided I'd had enough of her. On top of it, there was this other girl that wasn't mature enough to handle any of the stuff we were going through. They were pretty much the only friends I had, and I missed a lot of school. In 5th grade, it was a new school building with the older grades, and the four elementary schools are all put together and shuffled around. The grade is split up into two "teams" where each team has like, 5 teachers. You might move around in your own team, but you would never do anything with the other team. That means I have like, no friends in my classes (in fact, there was only one person in my class that went to the same elementary school as I did), no one to talk to at lunch, and an unfamiliar environment. Instead of giving me help or trying to set it up so I could work from home because I clearly had severe issues, there was a time when I was carried by the principal to his office, forced onto a school bus, and generally humiliated on a regular basis by my teachers. I missed enough school that I had to go to the magistrate and risk going into foster care, which probably would have led to me running away or committing suicide, to be totally honest. My own family has trouble dealing with my food habits and personal endeavors; a new family would have no chance. Anyway, it all worked out and the one girl I knew sort of adopted me, and even though she lives across the country now, we're still great friends. I obviously stayed with my own family and continued on in school, only to later drop out against my will (though I should have done it anyway). Still, the whole experience was a big pile of trauma that I really didn't need.

I taught myself how to read.
I used to make my family read me stories constantly. I would follow along with the words, and before I knew it, I recognized tons of words. I was able to read books by myself without any of them lifting a finger to teach me anything. As I moved into more advanced books, I picked up grammar and punctuation like it was nothing. English classes refined what I already knew. I knew college-level grammar rules by middle school. Latin really helped pull it all together. After all, we had to understand our own grammar before we could put it in Latin.

I play trumpet really damn well.
I picked up the trumpet for band in 5th grade. Needless to say, my frequent absences made me one of the worst. I stayed after school with our horrible teacher, and she told me to quit and pick up a different instrument because I had an overbite. My dentist, by the way, says I do not. Anyway, I somehow learned it all really fast, because by freshman year of high school, I was the best of my grade's trumpets. All that with minimal at-home practicing (and none after like, 7th grade).

Dogs kind of scare me.
I've been around cats my whole life. When I was little, we had a dog, but we kept her outside, so I never interacted with her at all. When I went to friends' houses, sometimes they had dogs that would bark at me and jump on me and lick me. It was the scariest thing ever. I've pretty much gotten over it now, but I still don't like jumpy dogs. I'm usually just worried they'll knock me over and drool on me. I also don't want to get scratched by them, even though I know in most cases the dogs mean no harm.

I've never done laundry in my life.
I've helped at the laundromat before we had our own stuff, but that was when I was like, 10 and younger. Don't make me do laundry. It probably won't end well.

I taught myself how to cook.
I never cooked anything other than the occasional baked goods before I was 17 or so. When I started having health problems, my sleep schedule got all screwy, and I was often up at night with only my boyfriend. I learned how to make tons of baked goods, and from there, I taught myself how to do meats and stuff. Now I'm totally self-sufficient and make better meals than the rest of my family. I even have my own way of making rice, which I had never even eaten until a few months ago.

October is my favorite month. 
Fall is my favorite season. I love the temperature - perfect for a light jacket - and the smell of leaves. October is pretty great. I love Halloween, my birthday comes on the 23rd, and it's a whole month dedicated to pumpkin bread, hayrides, corn mazes, and pretty leaves.
A good example of Octoberness.


I'm terrified of soccer.
I have next to no coordination with my feet. I was lucky I survived marching band. Add to that an incident where I got hit in the face with a soccer ball and got really swollen, and you'll find that it's one of the worst things you can ever make me do. I'm just not aggressive enough to like sports, and in soccer, it's aggressive or get yelled at my the teacher.

I hate guys who give me special treatment because I'm female.
I've always had friends who were male. In elementary school, most of my friends were boys. In high school, the main group I hung out with (and still often see) was a bunch of big guys who played video games and looked really damn intimidating. Despite the fact that I was like, a third of their size and hardly played games, we got along great. I've had lots of my guy friends tell me they think of me as just "one of the guys," and that means a lot to me. To contrast, I've worked with people on projects who think they need to be careful not to offend the girl of the group. They're nice to me so they don't hurt my feelings. They don't joke with me about the same things, or tell me which porn stars they think are really hot. It's frustrating. In ways, I think on a more masculine level anyway; I don't care about the petty drama that a lot of girls do, and I don't feel the need to flirt with every male in the vicinity to get get what I want. The guys I'm used to don't care about any of that crap either. Also, despite the fact that some of them look like they could and would break someone in half, they're there to listen if I want to open up about a relationship I'm in or something. That's what I'm used to. I don't want the mindset that you shouldn't hit girls, that girls are easily upset, that girls get offended if you talk about your man parts, and etcetera. If you're a guy that really wants my friendship, than don't treat me any differently than the other guys you hang around. Give me the same hand-reddening high fives and complain about your girlfriend.

My religious views are confusing.
I'm not a Christian, but I believe God exists. I refuse to serve a being who supposedly created life with a free will and expects that life to obey his every command. That being said, I think most of the Bible is a load of crap. I believe most deities exist, and I do not believe any one of them is omnipotent, or even close to that. I think they are simply immortal beings on another plane of existence who offer protection to their followers. I believe there is a measure of truth in all religions, but I don't believe any of them entirely. Pagan beliefs are the closest to my own, so I suppose if I had to label myself, I'd say I was a pagan. I believe in an afterlife, and also in a form of reincarnation. I don't believe in an eternal punishment for your actions in your tiny amount of years on this Earth. I believe sin is dictated by the people of the world, not by a deity. I believe that we are here to learn about ourselves and our spirit's past forms on our way to bettering ourselves, much like the concept of Nirvana. I will not dedicate myself to a being. I have respect for the laws of society and the people I interact with, and I am doing what I can to improve the world of the living. I will not offer praise to a being on another plane of existence. I believe in fate, but not in karma. I believe our origins are mostly evolutionist. I think everything happens for a reason, and that if we spend a lifetime working towards one goal, that is how we were meant to spend that lifetime. Perhaps we'll never see it come to fruition, but a century later, the work will be recognized; maybe it was all useless, but it will prevent others from following the same path. Either way, I believe everything coincides with other events, and everything is connected.

I am allergic to two specific laundry detergents.
Gain and Dynamo both have a chemical that makes me really, really itchy. I don't know what chemical it is, so I don't know what others have it, but those two do for sure. I think it's the only specific allergy I have, other than nickel, which almost everyone has.

I would rather be in a snake pit than have one spider on me.
I like snakes. I think they're really cool, and I also know how to not agitate them. Spiders want me dead. Every time I see a spider, I ask someone to kill it. If they don't, it ends up crawling up my leg sometime later on. Never fails. It's like they see me as this all-you-can-eat buffet.

I can't wear thongs.
I disagree 100% with anyone who says they're comfortable.

I've never watched porn.
Seems awkward. XP

I'm slightly lactose intolerant.
I can eat milk in my cereal, but I prefer 2%. Whole milk makes me a little nauseous. A lot of 2% will, too, but it's usually okay to have a bowl or two of cereal. 1% and skim are just yucky.

I have really, really dry skin.
If I dry off too much with a towel, I might just disintegrate. 

I like guys with either blonde or black hair.
Even though they're opposites, those two colors are the best. Style depends drastically on the person, though I made this thing on DeviantART and noticed that I'll probably really like you if your face is obscured by your hair. (Mechazawa is a joke. Pay no attention to that. XD)
Also, I apparently like guys who are sadistic and/or mass murderers.


I can't stand whistling.
It gives me a very, very bad headache. I don't know why. If it's low, it's tolerable, but I still hate it.

I love really soft fabrics.
This is probably because of my dry skin, really. I'm way more likely to buy a shirt because of how soft it is over how nice it looks. Luckily, there's Deb, and most of the shirts they sell are both. I recently bought a nice blanket at Borders that's pretty much the softest thing I can use to make myself into a burrito. Best $16 I ever spent.

I flip between being dominating and submissive.
There are situations where I'm totally fine with taking orders, mostly when I don't want responsibility or want to trust someone's judgement. Other times, I want control over every minute detail. Let's not even go near the sexual implications of this.

I have weird elbows.
When I extend my arm, the joint can go past 180 degrees. I can actually touch the insides of my elbows together. My friends say they look broken. It's pretty funny. I'm also able to lick my elbow. 

I don't like chocolate things.
Specifically, chocolate cake, frosting, and ice cream. I love marble cake, though. It's my favorite. I can eat chocolate cake and icing, but they're usually just too sweet for me. I only ever do so when PMS drives me into a chocolate-craving frenzy. I always regret it afterwards.

I hate feminism.
Dear women of the world: without men, you wouldn't exist. My mother is one of those women who jumps at any opportunity to say things like "that's a guy for you" or "men are worthless." It gets irritating really fast. It's a good part of why I generally like guys more. Sure, you have the occasional remark about how women make no God damn sense, but there's never this idea that the world would be better without them. Feminist women seem to think we'll be able to reproduce asexually one day and that the male gender will become obsolete (my mother believes this, by the way), and I'm sorry (I'm not), but that's just ridiculous. Plus, I love men. They can fit any need, from cuddly and adorable to sex god. That's more than you can say about most women, who range from petty ditz to sort-of-compassionate ditz.
Look how cute it is. Don't you want one?


I'm pretty good at real-time strategy games.
Age of Mythology is a fantastic game, and I'm pretty decent at it. My able-to-do-500-things-at-once mind is very well suited to the multitasking you need for RTS games.

I'm a democrat.
Plain and simple. My views are pretty moderate, but definitely lean more left. 

So I guess that's about it for now. There's tons of other stuff I could add, but for now, I guess you know a little more about me that you probably didn't know already.

Daily Art - "Glam Rock"

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Daily Art - "Blackberry Swirl"

I imagined that this looks like some sort of chocolate blackberry cheesecake or something. If that doesn't exist, it probably should.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Pony Psychology

The first episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Season 2 aired yesterday. My friends being the bronies they are, we had a party with food, cookies, cupcakes, and little toy ponies to celebrate. Later that night while I procrastinated on much more important things, I was thinking about our favorite ponies and why we like them so much, and that lead me to think about why anyone likes ponies at all, especially a bunch of guys in their twenties. Now, I'm no pony psychology expert, but I have some thoughts.
 
Why Bronies Exist
There are quite a few shows that are produced with women as their intended audience. Find enough honest men, and you'll see that there are plenty of male fans of those shows as well. Despite what any guy tells you, everyone without severe mental disorders has traits that are both masculine and feminine. Sometimes it's fun to like something that caters to the side you don't show much. Ponies aren't really much different here, I think. They're cute and silly, so it's fun to watch no matter what your gender is. It's sort of this fun way of enjoying something girly with a huge community of other guys who take time to do the same thing.
 
Twilight Sparkle 
My friends sort of hate her. It's actually sort of weird. Twilight is this really introverted book worm that doesn't really have any concept of how friends work. She does some really lame stuff in the show, like always thinking she can save the day with a spell (her forte is magic) and being really excited about organizing things. More notably picked on by my friends, there's a point where she gets to go to a super awesome party, and all she wants to do is talk to the princess the whole time. My boyfriend likes her. He's closest in personality to her and he knows it. He's not afraid to admit it, either, even though she's always deemed the "worst pony." In ways, I'm really similar to her myself. I'm much more likely to want to stay in and learn about things than go out and make friends with the other ponies. In ways, maybe we're all a little bit like Twilight Sparkle.
 
 
Rarity
Let's just get both the unicorns out of the way first here. Rarity is this really up-tight, sort of snooty unicorn who runs her own fashion boutique. She's the stereotypical prissy character who's afraid to get dirty and always cares about how her mane looks. I'm some mix of her and Twilight, I think. Twilight sort of represents my introverted scholarly side, while Rarity represents my crafty, business-oriented, want-to-get-out-there-and-get-noticed side. She's probably my favorite of the main six ponies. As long as you can look past how stuck up she can be at times, you see that she's really dedicated to doing what she wants to be doing, which is making things and selling them to other people who want to give her money.
 
 
Pinkie Pie
Pinkie Pie is this crazy hyper pony with a poofy mane and tail who wants nothing more than to be in a state of constant euphoria. I hate her. Pinkie is constantly happy to the point of being irritating. She's always doing ridiculous things and not taking much seriously. I think the biggest reason I dislike her character is my strong sense of "Don't do that! We need to do THIS! Stop screwing around!" Mentally, I think like her in a bunch of ways. I just never show it half as much as she does. She's my friend's favorite, by the way, and I just know I'm going to get complained at for this paragraph. I think part of the reason that a lot of people love her is her ability to shrug off criticism and be herself, no matter how much it might make her look like a lunatic. Everyone at some point has wanted to be like Pinkie Pie.
 
 
Applejack
Applejack is a hard-working, down-to-earth, ready-to-get-stuff-done pony with a Southern accent. She helps her family run an apple orchard and farm. Out of all the ponies, she has the strongest sense of family, since she works with her siblings and other relatives on the farm. She never puts herself first. At one point she wants to sell tons of baked goods for no other reason than to make enough money to buy her old granny a hip replacement. She represents the values that everyone should have, I think, and maybe that's why she doesn't have as big of a fan base as the other sillier ponies. In a lot of ways, we can respect her mentality. In a lot of other ways, we'd rather be partying and being crazy.
 
 
Fluttershy
We all know someone who's always afraid of everything and is too shy to ever speak up and voice an opinion. That pony equivalent is Fluttershy. She's a pegasus that's afraid of flying too high, as well as pretty much everything else in existence. She spends most of her time with little animals, all of which she loves and talks to constantly. She has this natural gift to bond with nature-type things. As far as shyness goes, I'm like her in ways. I imagine a lot of people watching want to be her friend and make her less afraid of things, mostly out of pity because she's pretty pathetic.
 
 
Rainbow Dash
Last but certainly not least of the main ponies is the pegasus Rainbow Dash. She's really sporty and athletic, always really competitive and eager to prove herself, and also always willing to stand up for what she believes in. She's bold and opinionated no matter what the situation is. She's my other friend's favorite. I was like her in a lot of ways when I was a kid. I was always running around outside, making up games and trying to get my family members as interested in baseball as I inexplicably was. I think she sort of represents the bold, daring sides we all wish we put forward more, as well as the need to be 20% cooler than everyone else and being really damn proud of it. 
 

Daily Art - "Duskbloom"

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Daily Art - Princess Stella

In honor of season 2 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic starting today, here's some pony art. This was for a contest on DeviantART to design a prince's father. Princess Stella raises the stars at night.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Daily Art - "Dilithium"

I've been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation with my boyfriend. I don't know what a dilithium chamber would really look like, but when I made this, it felt like dilithium. :P

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Daily Art - "Jungle Flower"

I never put this up on DeviantART because I sort of hate it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Food Ruins Lives

I'm a supertaster. That means I have an excessive amount of taste buds (like, 5 times the normal, on average). I can pick out preservatives and chemicals that most people can't notice. Being a supertaster isn't necessarily a bad thing. The reason it made me life horrible is because as a child, I wouldn't eat tons of things that were put in front of me. I often went hungry. That whole "she'll eat it if she's hungry enough" idea just didn't work for me. It was to the point where my doctor said to find things I would eat and just let me eat them.

I've spent my whole life getting tons of questions and complaints about why I don't like this or that. It contributed largely to my self isolation, something I still deal with on a regular basis. Having dinner with someone is among the worst situations you can put me in. It's stressful, and usually I just want to leave and cry. I can't eat people's home-cooked meals, and as soon as I turn down food, the questions start. "Well what do you like? I want to know so I can cook for you." No. Please don't. Please just let me crawl into your oven and kill myself first, okay? It would be preferable.

Then there are always the people who say I'll grow out of things, or that I can learn to like things if I just eat them enough. On the contrary, I've actually grown to dislike a lot of things I used to eat as a kid. As for forcing myself to eat things, that won't work, either. If I eat something I don't like, it gets worse and worse the more I try to force it down. It triggers the gag reflex really easily. If you don't want me to throw up, don't tell me to keep eating things.

I get a lot of complaints from people that I don't like trying things, either. Of course I don't. It's the worst when there's a food with a bunch of stuff in it and among the ingredients is a food I dislike. Don't think that I won't taste it. In fact, since I don't like it, I'll notice it a thousand times more. I have a really clear idea of what I like and what I don't like, so unless the food is totally different from anything I've ever had, I can say with probably 95% accuracy whether I'll like it or not. And really, it's no one's business if I don't want to try something. All that does is stress me out. I spent years of my life having people watch me eat just to see what I ate and, in some cases, if I ate at school at all. I was always done before everyone else was even served by the cafeteria. Being a really, really shy person, I cried my fair share of times in elementary school because of stuff like this. It was a legitimately traumatizing experience for me, and I always hoped it would stop once I was around people who were more mature than the average 8-year-old. It really hasn't.

I've also had people who don't understand the whole supertaster thing at all and tell me I'll be fine if I just dilute my food. No. It doesn't work that way. If the flavor is there, I taste it, and if it's something I don't like, I won't eat it. If I do, that gag reflex thing comes into play. It's not a matter of making things less flavorful; it's a matter of using flavors I like.

Anyone reading this who doesn't know me in real life may not have a clear idea yet of how miserable my life is because of my horribly specific diet. Let me list some stuff (I'm sure I'll forget some things) that I will and will not eat.

Things I Won't Eat
-Cheese. I used to like it, stopped eating it, and then couldn't stomach it again. It's sickening. No matter what cheese I try, it ends up being really gross. There's only one exception, and that's cheese curls. They're different somehow. As you can imagine, hating cheese rules out a huge chink of the world's foods.
-Pasta. The only pasta I'll eat is ramen, and even then, I'm picky about flavors and brands. There's another large chunk of options gone.
-Seafood. No exceptions.
-Sandwiches. The mixing textures of bread and other things is really awful to me. I used to like bread and peanut butter. Can't handle that anymore.
-Mexican food. I know that's general, but pretty much all of it makes me nauseous just smelling it.
-Beans. There are no beans that don't induce nausea by smell alone.
-Citrus. Lemon is okay in some teas and stuff, but I can't touch orange or lime.
-Pizza. No exceptions, for pretty much the same reason as sandwiches. This really screwed me over as a kid, especially since it seems like a food that everyone is expected to like and eat.
-Jelly. Not even in pastries. Yuck. 
-Egg. Unless baked into something, eggs are awful. 

Things I Will Eat (Conditionally)
-Chicken. I will only ever eat breast meat, and unless it's some sort of fried, I probably won't like it. I have tons of ways to season chicken that I fry in the oven, and they're all very delicious. I can actually eat a lot of restaurant chicken because most places have chicken tenders that are breaded and fried, which is the way I like it.
-Pork. I eat thick pork chops and pork tenderloin. Pulled pork is a texture I can't deal with. I like my meat in chunk form, thanks. Also, never breaded. I just want my meat.
-Beef. Only as a roast, and only if done with the right seasonings and well done. Most marinades I've tried are gross.
-Some fruit, like bananas, apples, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and black olives. That's about it.
-A few veggies (some are fruits that are considered veggies), like cucumbers, lettuce (if totally plain), and potatoes, if done with very specific conditions. 
-Bread. I like Italian the best, but I regularly munch on cinnamon bread. There are lots of breads, bagels, and muffins I like.
-Oatmeal. I eat it dry, much to most people's confusion.
-Cereal. I'm not terribly picky about cereal, but there are definitely a bunch I prefer over others. Crispix is my favorite.
-Pancakes and waffles. Blueberry waffles, however, are a bad idea.

So I guess that's about as much as I want to write without thinking over my diet in excruciating detail and breaking down the really varied snack foods I eat. I guess the point of me doing this at all is to have something to send people to when they ask me irritating questions in the future.

Daily Art - "Orchid Bloom"

This was for a fractal challenge. We had to make a fractal attempting to emulate Georgia O'Keefe's work.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Daily Art - "Butterfly Gardens"

This was based off some parameters my friend Travis made. The second one is the one I decided to render fully.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Daily Art - US Flag

This was taken back on Father's Day. I was going to post it on July 4th, but it works for today as well.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Daily Art - "Murciélago"

Named for Ulquiorra Cifer from Bleach. His sword is called Murciélago. I used his eye for the colors on this. I don't really like Bleach, but Ulquiorra is pretty damn cool. :P


Friday, September 9, 2011

People I Don't Find Attractive

There are plenty of people out there I find attractive, whether they're celebrities, fictional characters, musicians, or whatever. There are also a bunch of people that have tons of fan girls and I have no idea why, or, at the very least, I really disagree. Warning: really opinionated opinions.

L from Death Note
L is adorable - but in a way that makes me want to give him a cookie, not have his love children. I was actually really surprised when I first learned how huge his fan base was. I seem to be part of the minority that prefers Light. L just doesn't seem like he should have fan girls; he's sort of creepy in a lot of ways, always sitting hunkered over and spending all his time thinking. Especially when you put him next to Light, who is much better looking, in my opinion, and seems to have no trouble with girls.
Light doesn't get it either.


Hugh Laurie as Dr. House
This just doesn't make any God damned sense to me. He's a cranky old drug addict who is out of his mind.
He's in your medicine cabinet stealin' your drugs.


Robert Pattinson 
I read Twilight before it was a movie. I enjoyed it for the characters and such, and in all honesty, Edward is a guy I would enjoy spending time with myself. I should also mention that if I had pictured him as Robert Pattinson through my reading, I probably would have enjoyed the story a lot less. I really don't understand why he got the part. He just has really odd features, like that large jaw and eyes that look like they're glued open or something. I think he's sort of gross looking. I'm pretty convinced the only reason girls like him is because they read Twilight and like his character. No one gave him a second glance when he was in Harry Potter.
This picture is certainly not helping his case.


Jeffrey Donovan
He creeps me out. He has squinty little eyes and a weird mouth. I feel like he's trying to absorb my soul. I know lots of people love him on Burn Notice. As far as I'm concerned, unless his character makes him drastically change his appearance, he'll be just as creepy and I will be just as likely to wonder why he looks like that while watching him act.
@_@


Ichigo Kurosaki from Bleach
There's nothing wrong with Ichigo...there's no reason for him to have so many fans, either, though. I mean, out of all the characters on that freaking show, why go for one of the least interesting ones? I don't like the show much, but I'm an Ulquiorra fan myself, and there are probably at least 5 others I'd place above Ichigo.
Maybe it's that orange hair. I hate orange.


Muscle Men
Just in general, I don't like guys that are super heavily muscled. A little muscle is nice, and I'm totally okay with scrawny twigs as well. You'll just never find me searching for muscle men on the computer when I think no one is looking.
This is an acceptable amount of sexy.

Daily Art - "All Consuming"

I don't have a clue what I was trying to do with this, or why I thought it was good enough to render.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Daily Art - "Raspberry Cheesecake"

This is actually pretty old. It was done right around the end of 2010/start of 2011 while my laptop was out of commission.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Things I've Done Before I Hit 20

I'll be turning 20 next month. As messy and screwy as my first 19 years have been, I've done quite a few things that most people do way later in life, if at all. Some are great, some are awful. It's sort of a list of "when I was your age" stories that will be mentioned years down the road to the grandkids puppy. Most aren't terribly interesting, but I know plenty of people older than I am who don't know how to do some of this stuff and/or haven't done this stuff yet.

12

  • I taught myself basic HTML. I needed it for my Neopets profile. XD 


13

  • Got into fantasy and sort of turned into a little goth kid. Still a little goth kid at heart, I think. 


14

  • I had my first poetry published internationally. I've since had a bunch of poems published.
  • I got involved in my first serious relationship. It lasted 11 months, and it was great. 


15

  • I started my business. 


16

  • I developed arthritis after logging some intense Morrowind time. :( (This may have been earlier, now that I think about it.)
  • I tamed a wild Tim. I still have him, but he still chews the furniture sometimes.
  • Tons of health problems come on out of nowhere! D: 


17

  • Saw my first concert other than a local show. It was Celtic Thunder because tickets were free. :D 
  • I did my first major craft show, Oddmall, which I've done twice. 
  • I dropped out of high school (unintentionally) and was able to focus much more on my business. 
  • I broke my first bone! I was in a really minor fender bender, and the airbag hit a ring I was wearing. 
  • I went on vacation with Tim and some friends. I'd never been on a trip without family, and also never stayed more than a few hours at a beach. It was wonderful. 
  • I got my laptop. Best. Thing. Ever. ♥ 


18

  • I taught myself how to make fractals. 
  • I learned how to cook. Now I could effectively live on my own and eat really well. 
  • I sat down and watched my first anime series all the way through. It was Death Note, since I sort of liked it and missed most of it on TV. I mainly watched it to catch up with Tim's TiVo'd episodes, but I turned out really enjoying it. I had never watched any anime until meeting him. 
  • Somewhere in here is where I actually started hanging out with Tim's friends, I think. He had never really invited me to do anything with them, so it looked to them like I hated them and looked to me like Tim didn't like having friends. The few times we did hang out were sort of awkward. Now we hang out all the time.


19

  • Started drawing digitally with a tablet. I love it. 
  • I contributed work to 2 video games. 
  • I tried rice for the first time in my life. I'm not super fond of it. 
  • I published a novel. 


20

  • I had best get a job, or I'm going to move to a place where jobs aren't a luxury. 

Daily Art - "Entwined"

Another contest prize, and what that curly springy thing turned into.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Daily Art - "Seed of the Universe"

This was a contest prize someone won. I donated fractals to the winners. :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Daily Art - "Dream Weaver"

This is what failure looks like.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

A bunch of my friends and I all agree that life would be at least 20% cooler if we could just forget about specializing and learn everything. School means you need to pick what you want to do for life, or otherwise spend ridiculous amounts of money to be in school your whole life learning everything, which you wouldn't be able to do without taking some stuff you learned to get a really well-paying career anyway. Here are some of the things I want to do, some of which I've seriously considered.

Writer
This was really the first serious career consideration of my life, I think. I wrote a story, which is absolutely terrible now that I look back on it, and everyone gave me tons of praise for it. It was a school project, so I read part of it to the class. It was way better than all the other kids', so it got shared by my teacher in the other classes, too. It was great. I felt like some sort of fantasy writing god. I really wanted to further that and go to school for writing courses. Now, I realize that most writing courses are totally superfluous if you already know tons about grammar, spelling, and story development. I've got a published book under my belt already, and I'm proud to be among the ranks of the other published authors out there, even if it is a self publication over Kindle. Writing is something I hope to be doing all my life, and though I'll likely never make a career out of it, at least I didn't have to go to school for annoying courses to figure that out.

Latin Teacher
This was my career choice up until quite recently. I love Latin. I think there's so much to learn from it. I also would love to be put in charge of a bunch of teenagers for an hour a day. In school, there are always the really bad teachers, and then there are the ones who actually make a difference in your life, and you'll remember them forever. I've seen far too many people go through hard times, and too often, teachers don't notice. I had a biology teacher who happened to be alone with me once when I had to make up a test. She had noticed that over the course of the year I had gotten a lot quieter and been looking more tired. I explained how stressful my home life was, and that it was really  getting to me and stressing me out. Out of my whole school career, she was the only one to ever notice that something was wrong, even beyond any guidance counselor I've ever dealt with. I'd like to think I would be that teacher for someone else. I also want to teach simply because I know I'd do a way better job than a lot of teachers I had. Too many teachers limit the way students learn and practice material. For every bad paper I've had to write, I thought up fun projects and such that would be by far more entertaining and engaging. I've learned more from all the posters I've made than the papers I skimped on because I didn't care.

Social Studies Teacher
I don't want to teach "Church Latin," a form that varies slightly from Classical Latin, the language spoken in ancient Rome. Church Latin changes the pronunciations, adds a bunch of Biblical words, and disregards old word order, instead using modern English word order. It's required in a lot of Catholic schools. I just really don't want to teach Latin to kids who don't care; I'd rather teach the kids that take the class because they're interested. My high school offered it, but they cancelled the Latin program. No other schools in my area offer it that I know of, and I like my area. Furthermore, dropping out cut a year and a half of Latin out of my life that should have been there, so making that up would have been difficult to begin with. I decided to go to school for social studies instead, but then art came up. 

Artist
This is my current attempt at a life. I got a digital drawing tablet for Christmas. It's my best friend (sorry, you people I use for board games, but I can't draw with you). It really got me back into drawing, which is a skill I'd sort of dropped a long time ago when other things took priority. I've improved a lot in the months I've been using it, and I really would like to get better. So far, I'm entirely self-taught, and that's really cool, but I think college will give me a little more discipline and direction in the areas I'm a little messy and lost.

Make Video Games
I've joined a few different video game teams working on things, mostly as a concept artist. I wrote some stuff for one of them, which was cool, but I wasn't in charge of the lore, so it was a little tough to do. Anyway, I think it's a lot of fun to contribute my skills to a team of people working to make something fun and exciting. I might do it more in the future. Right now, I've got lots of other stuff to do, and video game teams are demanding.

Make Music
I was really good at trumpet, but I haven't touched mine in a few years. I'm not great on keyboard, but I can do some stuff. I'd like to be better at guitar, but now that I've developed severe arthritis in my left index finger (I broke it a few years ago), that seems out of the question. I love my guitar, too, so I'm sad about it. I can sing pretty well, even though I don't like my voice, so that's the main thing I go for if friends want to start a band. I'd make it a full time career in an instant if I could. Sadly, it's not really something you go to school for and BOOM CAREER.

Run a Business
This was my goal somewhere between writer and teacher. I love making jewelry and stuff, and I think it would be really cool to have a store and everything. I've decided that it's a little too much responsibility, though, and not nearly enough free time to do the other stuff I want to do. 

Psychologist
I love psychology. I think it's fascinating, and the subject material just comes really easily to me. I understand it really well. The main reason I don't want to do it for a career is the long schooling needed to get started. I'd be learning too many things I don't care about.

Freelance ANYTHING
I would love everything forever if one of my random projects would take off and bring in enough income to live comfortably. That would be the best. I could do what I love and still have tons of time to dedicate to other things. 

Assassin
If only real life were D&D or something. T_T 

Daily Art - Curly Springy Thing


An unnamed fractal that I transformed into something much better. :P

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Things That Really Scare Me

We all have our phobias. Spiders, falling, and dozens of other things in varying degrees are among mine. Then there are the bigger things, some on which are unavoidable, that really make those phobias seem like nothing. Some of these may seem a little contradictory, but in my warped mind, they all make sense. So, in no particular order, here's a bunch of really serious things that make me want to freeze myself until a time when none of these happen.

Dying
Death is something that scares me quite a bit. It's not a spiritual reason; I have enough confidence in my beliefs that I'll get to where I need to go. I'm mainly very afraid that I'll die before doing things I want to do. With all the health problems I have (among them are an unhealthily fast metabolism and a heart rate that hits 200 resting), I worry a lot that I'm going to die young. I feel almost rushed to finish the things I want to finish. I want people to look at my life and appreciate all the things I've done. The last thing I want to do is die before I reach my goals.

Losing my Memory
I've always had an exceptionally good memory. I can clearly picture instances from as young as two years old. I have hundreds of songs memorized word for word, note for note, and I can rattle off tons of useless trivia. What I care about the most are the memories of my friends. I don't want to ever forget all the local concerts and dates and game nights and philosophical conversations. If I could, I would almost definitely have brain implants just to improve my memory. I'm just a really, really sentimental person, I guess.

Going Insane
There are times I feel like I'm losing my tentative hold on reality. It always freaks me out a little when I catch myself wondering if things are real or a figment of my imagination.

Being Hospitalized
As much as I like being alive, I never want to do it solely because of machines hooked up to my body. When this frail shell decides to stop supporting me, then it's time to go, in my mind. Even less-serious hospital stays scare me a lot. I've never had to stay overnight at a hospital, though I've been in plenty of times to have them tell me my racing heart and aching chest are showing no problems. I've laid on a bed with an IV in my arm for a few hours, and that wasn't as terrible as it could have been, but feeling cold fluid pump into my arm was unsettling, to say the least. I just don't look forward to the inevitable day when I have to spend the night in an unfamiliar bed while my health is in danger.

Driving
This is a weird one. I never want to drive. Not only does it terrify me, but I feel I would most certainly put other drivers in danger. I get nervous and adrenaline-y just thinking about it. First of all, I've a very jumpy person. Even just seeing someone outside the bathroom after opening the door, even if I know they're there, makes me jump. It's ridiculous, I know. The heart rate goes up and my chest starts to hurt because that's what happens when I get scared. I get severe pain and need to rest for a while. Do you really want someone like me driving in front of you on the road? Furthermore, my depth perception is practically nonexistent. I have very, very poor spacial reasoning. To top it off, my coordination is really damn bad.

Having Children
I don't want children. I don't like them. That should be clear to anyone who reads my blog, I think. Still, the thought has crossed my mind many times - what would I do if I got pregnant? I'm not entirely convinced that my body could handle the stress. My joints are weak, my muscles are weak, and I'm 95 pounds of five-foot-tall health concerns. My biggest concern is my metabolism. I have a small stomach, so I eat small amounts, but I eat very frequently. I can eat a full meal every three hours if I wanted to. I'm constantly hungry, constantly snacking, and during PMS, I'm binge eating like there's no tomorrow. My metabolism actually seems to have gotten a little faster over the past few years, and I've lost ten pounds that I'm unable to gain back. I don't think a metabolism like that would be very good at supporting me and a developing fetus. It barely supports me as it is. Major health concerns aside, the whole thought of pregnancy and childbirth scares the hell out of me. All the pains and stretching and gross things just make me never want to do it.

Getting Old
I want to live forever. That is, so long as I don't age. When I was 16, I developed arthritis. It's only gotten worse. My knees ache when I go up and down stairs. My lungs hurt if I walk too much. I already tell my boyfriend I must have the body of a 90-year-old. I really, really don't want to keep getting worse, but I know that's how it's going to go.

Losing a Sense
This would drive me crazy. I love music too much to live without my hearing. I can't do art if I lose my sight. I can't cook if I lose my taste or smell. You're screwed no matter what if you lose touch, but luckily, that doesn't really happen.

Surgery
I had to have a cavity filled a few years ago. I almost had a heart attack. I was shaking and everything. It was all sort of terrible. It wasn't even that bad. I can't imagine having to be unconscious for something. With the major surgeries, that fear of dying or being hospitalized comes into play, too. Surgery is just something that will ruin my life on of these days.