Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Insanity and My Addiction to Pain

I know this little blog isn't super popular. I only have 6 subscribers in total, and a couple of those are only here for my daily art and jewelry crap. I don't see the names of the people who subscribe to my blog's feed, but I'm willing to bet that those people aren't four of my closest friends who know me inside out. Most of the things I blog about aren't really personal. I mainly want to share my art, recipes, and (sometimes) experiences. This post, however, will give you a real look into my life and mind.

I am probably one of the best examples of a person debilitated by stress. I live with three cats, my mother, her two sisters, and her two brothers, one of which has Down Syndrome. My boyfriend moved in about a year and a half ago. So far, maybe this doesn't seem so bad. What seventeen-year-old gets to live with her boyfriend, for that's how old I was at the time he moved in? Keep in mind that no one in my family went to college. They all have entry-level jobs in food service, so they put in about forty hours a week for little money. That's part of why we live together. The bigger reason is to take care of Chris, my retarded uncle.

My two aunts (I have a third, but she is the only married member of the family and lives outside of this house) are easily two of the dumbest, ignorant, most miserable people I've ever met. They're kind to others, especially at work where they deal with people all day, but all the tension and anger piles up until the get home, when they complain about things that are out of their control and have stupid reasons for hating the world. They also fuss over the cats like they're their children, picking them up whenever they walk by, kissing them constantly (and loudly) and talking to them like babies. It's beyond words how awful this is. My cat's shrink back from them sometimes, but they don't care.

Among almost all of the family members, there's arguing. My mom is almost deaf in one ear from wearing a headset at work all day, so she's obnoxiously loud naturally, and pairing that with a couple irritable people makes for stress that you can't know unless you've been there. Recently, my uncle Chris has been declining, and it seems like every plan to get him help has failed to get off the ground. No one really knows how to treat him kindly, so he goes into his room and screams at them through the door. They usually yell back. More stress.

I have almost every stress-induced symptom known to man. I have severe joint pain, insomnia, chronic fatigue (even when I sleep well), weight issues (loss in my case), dizziness, headaches, migraines, and spotty vision. All of that made me miss so much school my junior year that the school dropped me out. Up until my junior year I only had the headaches and insomnia, then everything came on at once. Instead of staying up for 24 hours, I could only stay awake for 8. I was a wreck.

I've been depressed for years, probably as early as my seventh grade, I'd say. I'm the type to really lash out at someone who really pisses me off, but I usually have to hold that in check. I have enough control to never lash out at a teacher, for instance, mostly because I've always cared very much about consequences and first impressions. My anger is reserved for those who will forgive me later, which has caused more problems than anything, really. I've been in relationships that were perfect up until it reached a certain point of comfort, then they attracted my wrath like a magnet, ending the relationship.

Music has been my outlet. Many people out there say metal and hard rock music promotes violence. Maybe for the weak. For me, I channel my anger into those grinding melodies and let it relax me. The metal pulls the anger away, and I feel much better afterwards. I've never turned to smoking, cutting, drugs, or alcohol. Those leave permanent scars, and scars aren't consequences I like. Furthermore, what if alcohol, for instance, brought me pain relief that I never imagined? Then I have the type of personality to become Clark Summit, PA's next alcoholic. Good bye, life! I don't even like taking pain relievers for the same reason. I know Advil is not physically addictive, but I don't want it as my crutch. I've built up an abnormally high pain tolerance over the years just because I've suffered through so many headaches.

With my current boyfriend Tim in the picture, my insomnia has barely existed. But right now he's away for a two week testing period at a college he may attend. He's been gone over a week, and in that week, I've barely slept. All the stress has no outlet. I'm a machine of angst, adrenaline, and pain. Every part of my body hurts right now.

With every waking hour, I feel a million emotions. The slightest thing makes me panic. I'm hostile to almost everyone and everything. Little bits of insanity keep poking in through my armor of anger, weakened as it is by my horrid sleep patterns. I feel the need to release all of it, but I can't. I'm drawn to that pain like a heroine addict is drawn to a needle. I let it build and build, and the more it builds, the more insane I become - the more sadistic, panicked, volatile, and agonized I become. It is a terrifying, exhilarating, tingling feeling all over my body. All the conflicting emotions bring out the adrenaline and the inspiration.

I have spent years training myself to embrace the pain rather than hide it. I practically absorb it into myself, using it as fuel to keep myself going day after day.

Perhaps that is why I am an insomniac.

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