Moving Right Along

This will be my last post on this blog. I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I would like to be, and I really feel as though I've outgrown this particular chunk of internet musings. New content will be posted on The Geeky Cupcake, which I hope will be a lot less mopey and more useful.

With that being said, I have not updated many people on the events of my life. 2016 has been a very busy year, and I want to use this final post to talk about where things are going.

I ended my relationship with Will over a month ago. This was not an easy decision, but I feel it was for the best. We need to be on different paths right now, and that's okay. We're on good terms, and our cat Isis has moved in with him. She's happy, and he's taking good care of her.

I'm almost finished with my first year at Lackawanna College. I do not plan on attending for a second year. In fact, I'm vehemently against it. This college has been a stepping stone for my college career, and while I'm very glad to have met the people here and been involved, I'm ready for my actual degree program.

I am trying to get into Temple University in Philadelphia. If all goes well, I will be moving with one of my friends to an apartment outside of the city sometime this summer. I will be majoring in secondary education with a focus in classical languages (Latin and Greek). I'm very excited about this, and I hope we hit as few roadbumps as possible along the way!

Keep an eye on my new blog for new content. It's still a little bare, but it will get there. Thank you to everyone who has always supported my blogging, writing, art, and other stuff!

Writing Tip #15

I'm participating in Camp Nanowrimo, which is the same as normal Nano, but less formally organized and such. Probably not coming near a 50,000 word novel, but I'm trying, at least. I just kind of fell on this particular idea I hold when I write, and I figured I'd blog about it instead of raising my word count.

Tip #15 - Keep love levels realistic.

Assuming you're not writing a romance story, love is something a lot of writers tend to avoid using as the main focus. We typically care more about how our hero's battle with the dragon progressed or how far the adventurers are from home than what was in the letters they sent home to their lovers.

Still, having a little love - even just a little attraction or a few sexual encounters - is important and realistic. Romance is a part of life. Very few of us go through life without ever falling for someone, liking someone they can't have, or making a mistake with their best friend.

When I wrote Among the People Lost, I didn't have a set plot in mind, and all the romance I put in really pushed it in a different direction than what I think I was going for. I think it worked out in the end, but someone reading it for the post apocalyptic setting might not get as much out of it.

If we look at works of major importance, regardless of setting, there's typically always at least a little romance present. It's what gives characters drive to defeat their foes, seek brutal revenge, or find their way home. The Lord of the Rings movies have a wedding after the day is saved, partly symbolizing the rebirth of happiness and peace after the war. I Am Legend (both book and movie) has a main character who frequently has flash backs to his wife and child, both of whom died years ago. Just to shift to video games for another kind of love, Drakengard's main character is a sadistic psychopath killing to avenge his parents and protect his sister.

Love of all kinds is a great way to make a point, especially where missed chances are concerned. Killing off your main character's love interest before he has an opportunity to tell her how he feels is the perfect way to ruin his life for a little while. It can really help make a point of the sacrifices involved in going off to save the world or being too lost in finding himself.

Like everything, I think it's all about balance. You'll have some characters who will abandon the quest to start a family, some who will fight side by side with their partners, and some who will never have any interest in any of your other characters. You'll have the over-protective and the tragically unrequited. You'll have romantic and platonic and fraternal. To some degree, though, you'll have it. 

Forgotten Tunnels

I had a pretty miserable year most of 2011. There were some highlights, sure, but most of it was downright bad. It was bad enough that it leaked into 2012, with January and February seeing the worst depression I'd had in a while, if ever. I was starting to think I was completely losing my mind and all fragments of myself, and I wondered often if I'd ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it was a tunnel that only went down into the dark, or it was a dead end. It might never open up again.

Sometime around the 10th - 12th of March, Tim and I were at Denny's for dinner. When we were leaving, I asked if we needed anything from Walmart, since it was late and that was one of the few things open. I just really felt like going, I guess. I like wandering around Walmart. Well, we went, and we met up with a friend I had worked with at Target. She was also a seasonal hire there, so, like me, Target dropped her when the season ended. She told me to apply.

I can't explain the draw I suddenly had for Walmart, and if I tried, it would sound so absurd. I'm sure not many people look at Walmart and say, "Oh my God, I absolutely positively want to work there. That seems like the best idea I've ever heard!" I hadn't even been actively looking for a job. I was still way too busy being sad that I existed, but I went home, got on my computer, and applied.

Needless to say, I got the job, and that was probably the best spontaneous and stupid decision of my life. Because of my job, I'm far healthier, both physically and mentally. I posted about the end of my relationship with Tim and the beginning of one with my coworker Will, and almost a month of officially dating later, we're doing great. We're both wonderfully happy to be together, and I think we're improving each other's lives a lot without even really trying.

Look at this guy. He's adorable!

Because of the hours of my job, I barely see my family anymore, which means much less stress at home. I wake up, Will gets me for work, I enjoy a day of unloading trucks and moving things, and then Will returns me to my house, where I usually make him food and we talk for hours about very random things like lemon turtles. He's there for me when I'm too tired to scoop my own ice cream, and I'm there for him when he's hacking up a lung and needs soothing tea.

I was just looking back over my blog earlier tonight and saw all the posts about being very depressed. It feels like that tunnel I was in is now a lifetime behind me, completely overgrown and hidden away. It feels like everything has settled into place, like everything is where it should be, and like this is how it was supposed to be all along. 

Love and Stuff

I'm mostly posting this for the friends on Facebook who are probably very confused about the change in relationship status. Well, it's going to get more confusing.

Tim and I have known for a months that there was a very strong possibility he would be moving to Florida. There were times I really wanted to go with him, and times I really wanted him to stay. Sometimes I felt like he was abandoning me or pushing me aside, even though I consciously knew that there was so much more to it than that.

The people he knows in Florida are very important and special to him. He'll have a far better life down there than he's known up here in Pennsylvania all his life. At the same time, the life he's going into just isn't a life for me, and a large part of me has always known that. We've seen a break up coming for a long time.

He decided not too long ago to make a visit to Florida, and we decided that would be a deciding factor. Obviously, he decided to move down there, so we ended our relationship.

Here's the other big chunk of fun. It's called Will.

About two weeks before Tim would be leaving for Florida, I started talking with one of my coworkers. I'm not a very outgoing or social person with new people, but I opened right up to Will, and we got really close really fast. We were texting constantly and started going out to lunch together at work.

When Tim went to Florida, Will was my ride home most of the week. Sometime during that time, whether it was in my kitchen while I cooked him dinner or at the table where I talked to him about work, we got really damn attached.

Everyone at work noticed, of course. There were lots of jokes about it, and we didn't care. It was better to laugh about it at work than try to hide it and go home unhappy. There's no shame in admitting you care about someone. Still, there was the return of Tim looming on the horizon, and we had only a vague idea of where things would go from there. 

As it turns out, Tim found his calling in Florida. He found everything he could have ever wanted, all rolled up in one little town. When he came home, we talked for hours about our situations, laughed over the absurdity of it all, and mutually decided that everything had worked out far better than either of us had expected. We decided that his place is in Florida with his friends, and mine is here, with Will.

I'm sure that all seems to be some combination of stupid, sudden, and bizarre. In the end, we all know what we're doing is for the best. I'm very happy with Will. It's the kind of happiness that kind of overuled all other happiness and even took away the attraction I had for Tim. I've never experienced anything like it before. Tim's calling to Florida is the same. In that one week, we found where we need to be, and we're completely okay with the fact that our places are taking us in different directions. It's sad to see a long relationship end - it always is - but we'll stay friends, and there are absolutely no hard feelings on either side. After a long time of uncertainty, everything feels right, and in the end, that's what matters most.

Why I Love Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is pretty awesome, I think. It's a holiday we celebrate simply by showing someone we care about them, then eating lots of chocolate. It's also a good excuse to be romantic, even if that's not really your thing, or if your relationship has just gone on too long to really be exciting all the time anymore. Here's a list of stuff I love about the holiday in general.

1. It's in winter.

Do you realize how boring the new year starts off after the fun of December is over? January has a couple days that we might get off from work or school, but none that we really celebrate. Valentine's Day is the first day of the year that has its own merchandise, candy, and general traditions.

2. It's a good excuse to approach that person you won't admit you like.

My first serious relationship started on Valentine's Day. It was weird. We were really close friends, and he knew I liked him, but he pretty much denied up and down that he liked me up until Valentine's Day, when he asked if I'd like to start dating. It was all very nice, and the relationship lasted 11 months, which is pretty long for being 14. Anyway, my point is that a day for romance is the perfect opportunity if you're in that sort of situation.

3. It's a good excuse for a date. 

I've been with my boyfriend Tim for 3 and a half years now. He sleeps in my bedroom every night, is pretty much constantly in front of me while we're on our laptops (like right now), and we go out to eat and grocery shop frequently. The restaurants in the area all know us as regulars. Valentine's Day is a good excuse to do something a little more special, like hang out at the local park or visit the local attractions you always ignore.

4. There are tons of fun edibles.

Any holiday is a good reason to make cakes and cookies, especially if they have cute red hearts all over them.

5. It's a holiday about love.

On Christmas, a lot of us can get a little greedy when it comes to gifts, or even a little overwhelmed trying to please everyone. Halloween is about hoarding candy, and New Year's is about...hoarding alcohol? Valentine's Day is all about the significant other in your life, spending some quality time together, and showing them they're awesome.

20 Things I've Learned

I've had a lot of life experiences in the past 20 years. Those experiences have made me who I am now, and I don't really regret any of them. There's something to learn from every failure and some worth in every hard time.

1. School is worthless after you know the basics.

I knew everything I needed to know for how to stay alive by, like, 7th grade. I've always believed that the biggest issue with school is how much they force on you. I wouldn't have minded 7 classes a day if 6 of them hadn't been things I didn't need. By high school, most of us have a good idea of our strengths and weaknesses. I didn't necessarily know what I'd be doing for life, but I knew it wouldn't involve math and science, so why take those when I could be in art courses? Anyone can get through school and have all that knowledge, but it's a big waste of time in my opinion. While all my friends were falling asleep in calculus, I wrote a novel and advanced my business.

2. Wisdom comes with experience, not age.

Old people tend to have accumulated more life experiences, but that doesn't mean anyone should discredit the experience of someone else just because they're young. I've been through things 90-year-olds know nothing about, despite how much time they've been out there living. Everyone's situation is unique.

3. Having intelligence is different than being smart.

Having good grades, completing college, and getting a good job means you have intelligence. That takes a lot of memorizing and understanding. That doesn't mean you catch on to things, are a quick thinker, or are innovative and clever when you need to be, or that you can figure things out for yourself, for that matter.

4. People change.

If the people around you change for the worse, it's time to be around new people. If they grow, you likely will, too. Sometimes people grow in different directions. It's an inevitable part of life.

5. Your beliefs and ideals will be challenged. 

Don't believe in premarital sex? Guess what - you're going to meet someone you like who doesn't think like that. Don't drink? Some day, someone will put a drink in your hand and you will be very confused and very conflicted. Point is, you are your own person, and as you grow in life, you're eventually going to grow close to people who think like you. If you give up your ideals and put off the growth, then you'll just end up surrounded by people you don't really like or agree with on anything.

6. Sometimes it's no one's fault.

It's easy to place blame on other people, and really hard to place it on ourselves. Sometimes, though, things just happen.

7. There are things in life that you cannot get away with.

Sometimes, you get caught doing things you shouldn't be doing. Learn and move on. If you're doing things you shouldn't be doing and you haven't been caught yet, quit while you're ahead.

8. Love is a very unexpected thing.

Relationships can kind of sneak up on you sometimes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

9. Your accomplishments will sometimes go unnoticed.

What's important to you is sometimes really silly to someone else, and they might not care a whole lot that you did it, but that doesn't make it less important. Always remember there are other people out there who care. 

10. You need to know how to stay alive.

You won't get anywhere in life (because you'll die) if you don't know how to cook, clean, and function in society.

11. People will complain about things they can easily fix.

Life is full of options. If you can't stand paying for checking, switch banks. If you hate your phone service, get a new one. It's not worth it to be miserable forever and make everyone else miserable when you haven't made an effort to fix things.

12. Your family will not understand you at some point in your life.

Whether you're suddenly a pagan in a Christian family or you want to drop out of school to paint giant pink unicorns, there will be times when your family wants to sit you down and lecture you for a week. Or maybe they just want to send you to the local mental hospital. Either way, most will just nod and let you go ruin your life (in their minds, at least).

13. You will not understand your parents at some point in your life.

Maybe they make a decision that makes no sense or is clearly influenced by how much they like your sister more than you. Maybe they can't seem to remember that the computer monitor and the TV are two separate entities. Whatever they do, they will do old people stuff at some point, and you will want to cry.

14. Your appearance matters.

If you go out every day looking like you just got out of bed, good luck making friends with anyone who doesn't look like that. We all have our standards. We look for friends and partners that are similar to ourselves. You have no one to blame but yourself if you put zero effort into looking nice and attract the scum of the earth. 

15. Poor spelling and grammar make you look like a monkey.

I swear, when I see some of the status updates from friends on Facebook, I think they must be fighting to reach the keyboard from a foot away while thrashing, so much so that they must use only the shortest abbreviations and have tons of typos. We live in a world that is becoming increasingly dependent on our technology. How you type is essentially how others hear your voice. If you want people to think of you as more than a three year old, put some effort into sounding intelligent.

16. You will offend someone at some point in your life.

You might not even realize you're doing it, but you'll do it.

17. Life is all about balance and compromise.

You'll have to give up about 40 hours of your week at some point in exchange for staying alive. You'll have to make compromises in relationships because you care about the other person and that's what relationships are about. There are tons of unpleasant things we all have to do in life, but if you're good about it, you'll still have plenty of pleasant things, too.

18. Things always get better.

Unless you kill yourself. Then you're dead and nothing gets better.

19. You will have unexpected obstacles thrown at you out of nowhere.

Maybe you get pregnant despite tons of precautions. Maybe health problems sneak up on you out of nowhere and ruin your life. Maybe you suddenly lose a family member, a friend, or a limb. Humans are very adaptable; you can work through it.

20. Life is what you make it.

Don't feel like you have to go to college and suffer through 4 years of school just to have a job. It can make it easier, but if it's not worth it to you, find an option that is. I think a lot of us look for things we don't need to do but that society has ingrained in us we should do, and we complain that we don't want to but we have to, and we do them and make ourselves miserable. It doesn't have to be like that. Spend more time on what you want to be doing rather than conforming to a norm no one is making you follow.

Things I've Done Before I Hit 20

I'll be turning 20 next month. As messy and screwy as my first 19 years have been, I've done quite a few things that most people do way later in life, if at all. Some are great, some are awful. It's sort of a list of "when I was your age" stories that will be mentioned years down the road to the grandkids puppy. Most aren't terribly interesting, but I know plenty of people older than I am who don't know how to do some of this stuff and/or haven't done this stuff yet.

12

• I taught myself basic HTML. I needed it for my Neopets profile. XD 

13

• Got into fantasy and sort of turned into a little goth kid. Still a little goth kid at heart, I think. 

14

• I had my first poetry published internationally. I've since had a bunch of poems published.
• I got involved in my first serious relationship. It lasted 11 months, and it was great. 

15

• I started my business. 

16

• I developed arthritis after logging some intense Morrowind time. :( (This may have been earlier, now that I think about it.)
• I tamed a wild Tim. I still have him, but he still chews the furniture sometimes.
• Tons of health problems come on out of nowhere! D: 

17

• Saw my first concert other than a local show. It was Celtic Thunder because tickets were free. :D 
• I did my first major craft show, Oddmall, which I've done twice. 
• I dropped out of high school (unintentionally) and was able to focus much more on my business. 
• I broke my first bone! I was in a really minor fender bender, and the airbag hit a ring I was wearing. 
• I went on vacation with Tim and some friends. I'd never been on a trip without family, and also never stayed more than a few hours at a beach. It was wonderful. 
• I got my laptop. Best. Thing. Ever. ♥ 

18

• I taught myself how to make fractals. 
• I learned how to cook. Now I could effectively live on my own and eat really well. 
• I sat down and watched my first anime series all the way through. It was Death Note, since I sort of liked it and missed most of it on TV. I mainly watched it to catch up with Tim's TiVo'd episodes, but I turned out really enjoying it. I had never watched any anime until meeting him. 
• Somewhere in here is where I actually started hanging out with Tim's friends, I think. He had never really invited me to do anything with them, so it looked to them like I hated them and looked to me like Tim didn't like having friends. The few times we did hang out were sort of awkward. Now we hang out all the time.

19

• Started drawing digitally with a tablet. I love it. 
• I contributed work to 2 video games. 
• I tried rice for the first time in my life. I'm not super fond of it. 
• I published a novel. 

20

• I had best get a job, or I'm going to move to a place where jobs aren't a luxury. 

Three Years

Three years ago today, I started dating my boyfriend. It was 7:29 in the morning and we had been talking on AIM all night long about the potential snags we might hit in a relationship. It feels like a lifetime ago. There was a period of almost a month where we broke up but stayed in contact, and we realized we were awful at staying apart. That was this past September, already almost a year ago. Time goes by so damn fast.

I can't say I'm happy we've hit three years. It's been a mess of a relationship, and I wonder often why we're together at all. I also know that he wouldn't leave if I asked him to. It's a weird cycle of pain and anger and happiness, and niether one of us has really tried all that hard to break it.

Five Years from Now

I may seem like a walking cloud of anxiety and depression most of the time, but underneath all that misery, I'm actually a pretty optimistic person. I have goals and hopes and dreams and expectations. They change from time to time, but there are always a few constants. So where do I want to be in five years? In a lot of places at once, I think.

1. I want to be out of this house.
If you've never lived with every one of your single mother's unmarried siblings, never had to deal with a Downs Syndrome-afflicted uncle getting rapidly worse, never had to yell to the person in the same room because the people in the next are laughing too loud at terrible sitcoms for you to be heard, never had to check your silverware before use to make sure it's clean, never had to clean up the bathroom with every use, never been the only one in the house to go hungry a dozen nights in a row because no one thinks to ask you if you want dinner, never had to lock your own bedroom so people don't go in and steal things, never wanted to run away from the immense amount of negativity all around you every day, then you made out better than I did.

2. I want to have my Visual Arts degree.
Last most of you knew, my career choice was a teacher. Well, I wanted to be a Latin teacher, which is a certification type thing after doing other teaching stuff. Then Abington dropped me out, and I didn't get my full 4 years of high school Latin. I decided I'd go for Social Studies Education, figuring I'd always have the option to switch over to Latin. Then I learned Abington dropped their Latin program. I really don't want to teach Latin at a Catholic school, where it's required and I have a bunch of snobby students who don't want to be there. I'd rather teach at a public school, where the kids are in my class because they want to be. Thanks for killing that chance, Abington. So anyway, it made me really reconsider my career. I've been getting super hardcore back into drawing and stuff, and already you can see my progress. I learned that Keystone has a Visual Arts program, so I'll be going for that to improve and hopefully get somewhere.

3. I want a room full of stuff.
Art stuff. Photography stuff. Craft stuff. Jewelry stuff. Computer stuff. Music stuff. So much stuff that if I get inspired, I have everything I need in one spot. GOD, I LOVE STUFF!

4. I want a bigger kitchen.
I love cooking and baking, but my kitchen here is really tiny. There are too many people and not enough square feet for me to be able to cook as much as I'd like.

5. I want cats.
I love my cats. I don't think I'll be taking them with me when I move, though. Sylvester and Tiger are both 10+, and they had a hard time adjusting to a move when they were 5 and 4. I'd rather not stress them out again. Psyche might go with me, but I'm not sure. She does like me the most out of the three of them. If none of them go with me, totally adopting another kitty.

6. I want to have a job.
Sort of goes without saying, really, but with a Visual Arts degree, there's no guarantee that I'll have a solid career right out of college. It's more likely that I'll have a good-paying job that leaves me with enough spare time to do artsy stuff on the side.

7. I want to be with Tim.
It's no less important because it's this far down. It's just something I don't think of often because when I think of where I'll be in the future, he's always in the picture.

8. I want to have fans.
Or rather, I want one of my projects to have fans. All the projects I've started (or tried to start), and I feel so unnoticed. I just want one of them to catch on and get popular.

9. I want to have at least 3 books done.
I'll be finishing one within the next month, if all goes well. It's taken a little over a year so far. With college and stuff in the way, I imagine the next ones will take longer, so 3 seems to be a pretty realistic number.

10. I want a better understanding and knowledge of the metaphysical world.
It's something I'm currently working on. I've got a general knowledge of gemstones and horoscopes, and a very slight knowledge of natural remedies. I'd like to expand on all of that and learn new things.

11. I want to be healthier.
I imagine I'll be in better health once I get out of this massive amount of stress. Also, once I do more with number 10. I think it would be wonderful to go up stairs without my heart rate reaching 150.

12. I want a tattoo.
Seems so simple compared to the rest on here. I've had one in mind for a little while now, but I have no money, and any money I make has to go towards a new laptop. I feel like this is one of those things that I'll think about for an eternity before actually doing, and so it's on this list.

13. I want to like things.
I'm a super taster, which means I have like, 5 times the normal amount of taste buds. I can pick up preservatives that are normally undetectable and notice very slight differences in seasonings. It's great by itself, but as a kid, I never learned to like a lot of really common foods, and in a lot of cases, I don't think I ever will. There are too many things that trigger the gag reflex for me. Tim's managed to find some stuff I like, and I wish I liked more. It's really hard going through life on a diet as specific as mine.

14. I want to be child-free.
God, I hate children. They're gross, messy little noise makers that only serve to annoy me more than Tim can when he tries his hardest. I think I would kill myself. If he wants kids, I'll get him a puppy and put it in a stroller.

Loving With All Your Heart

I don't think it's possible. The very concept of your heart doing the loving is little more than an expression. In ancient Greece, it was believed that the heart was the center of thought rather than the brain, but we know now that all emotions and thoughts are in the brain. I guess we kept the heart notion because that's where we physically feel the most pain and joy, but that's still not what we use to love.

Our "heart" is how we figuratively refer to our ability love. I've heard a lot of people say "I love her with all my heart" and things similar. If we take heart figuratively as our ability to love, then does that mean you love nothing else in life? The truth is, love isn't something that can be divided up, and niether is that figurative heart. Love is an emotional attatchment that we hold for people, pets, items, places, and so forth; it is not like we have only so much love to give, but rather we grow to love more things as life progresses.

When we look at the figurative heart like that, it is impossible to love someone will all of your heart. Love just doesn't work like that.

Taking the Feelings Out of Love

I watched my first ever episode of Dr. Phil yesterday. Don't ask why. I guess my aunt just didn't feel like changing the channel to the news, even though we NEVER watch Dr. Phil. I have a lot of things against him, but I won't go into that.

This episode I happened to watch was about marriange. A big chunk of this was women who, while looking for someone to marry, have a list of traits they want in their partner. A list? Seriously? If someone asked me what I look for in a guy, I don't know what I'd say. I like funny, yes, but everyone likes to laugh. I like attractiveness, but looks matter to everyone, at least to some degree. I like blondes, but if you're a cute dark haired guy, I'm not going to be picky.

Then there are things like "no tattoos" and "no piercings." I dated a guy who had a cross tattooed on his arm with his father's initials because his father had died. I know a girl who has the symbol of her Bhuddism tattoed near her shoulder. They aren't the same as a naked mermaid and a spider web. Is it really fair to judge all people with tattooes the same way? Same with piercings. I dated a guy with pierced ears once. It's not like he wore 3 inch guages or gigantic hoops every day. I have another male friend who has a stud or two in his ear. I didn't even notice for the first few months I knew the guy. It certainly didn't change my opinion of him in the least bit.

Even if your list is a reasonable one, why throw someone out because they can't cook? Who says they can't learn? Maybe they'd be perfect if you really got to know them, but you won't give them that chance because you're hung up on the tattoo or lack of a college degree. I guess I just really don't understand how people can look for love using a piece of paper. Love is an emotion. It's not like you can go to the Build-A-Husband Workshop and pick out your favorite traits. Those traits aren't everything. If that's how women pick their husbands, I can see why so many couples get divorced.

When we approach love like buying a used car, we get satisfaction on the surface, yes, but no real depth. We get a good partner, but we don't truly get the perfect husband or wife.