Thursday, February 23, 2012


It's been hard to do things lately. I've had no energy, no motivation, and no inspiration. I've hit one of the worst walls of depression I've ever seen. There are days (like today) when getting out of bed is just too much effort. Even while I'm typing this, I'm on my bed wrapped in a blanket because the prospect of taking a mostly cold shower (dying water heater) is just too much to deal with.

I have a massive pile of things that need to get done. I have tons of board game accessories and computer part jewelry to make for a craft show I'm planning on doing, and if that's hard to do, I can't imagine building up the stock for a later craft show.

Due to the incompetency and uncooperativeness of my family, I wasn't able to send in my medical assistance form on time, and I likely have another few thousand dollars of medical debt on my record that I can't pay. All they needed to do was give me some info I didn't know. Did they? Of course not. They just yelled at me that it was probably too late and never did anything.

I'm growing to hate a great deal of things and people. Lots of things are just getting to me more than usual, and it's becoming clear that very few people really grasp how difficult it is to do certain things, how mentally unstable I am, and how much of a rut this is.

This is the most writing I've done in a while. I've sat down to this blog many times and tried to express all of this, but somehow it never went well. I always decided I'd better stop writing before someone criticized me or tried to give me advice, both of which would irritate me and probably make me stay in bed for a week straight.

I'm very tired of getting advice, most of all. Just because you can do something doesn't mean everyone else can. There are many, many people below you, and maybe you're unaware of how difficult normal, every day things can be for other people.

I'm undecided on whether or not I'm interested in getting another job before college. I'm partly looking for more money. On the other hand, it was hard enough to find the motivation to go to work when I came home every night in pain and occasionally felt like I would pass out an hour into my day. If I said my health was mostly stable, I think I was wrong. It seems like it's deteriorating again. I've been getting awful headaches and the fatigue is worse than it's been in a long time. I don't really know that I can handle a job, physically or mentally. I can't even find the motivation or energy for my own projects.

I guess I just have a lot of things to deal with. The people that can help won't, the people that think they're helping are making things worse, and the stress of every day life has no outlet. Stuff is piling up due to the depression and total lack of interest, and that in itself is a big stresser, too. I'm constantly hurting and not feeling well, and that makes everthing much harder than it needs to be.

Part of me is very interested in getting out of bed and starting my day. The rest of me wants to sleep for a few months and hopefully wake up with some motivation. 

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