Friday, September 2, 2011

Things That Really Scare Me

We all have our phobias. Spiders, falling, and dozens of other things in varying degrees are among mine. Then there are the bigger things, some on which are unavoidable, that really make those phobias seem like nothing. Some of these may seem a little contradictory, but in my warped mind, they all make sense. So, in no particular order, here's a bunch of really serious things that make me want to freeze myself until a time when none of these happen.

Death is something that scares me quite a bit. It's not a spiritual reason; I have enough confidence in my beliefs that I'll get to where I need to go. I'm mainly very afraid that I'll die before doing things I want to do. With all the health problems I have (among them are an unhealthily fast metabolism and a heart rate that hits 200 resting), I worry a lot that I'm going to die young. I feel almost rushed to finish the things I want to finish. I want people to look at my life and appreciate all the things I've done. The last thing I want to do is die before I reach my goals.

Losing my Memory
I've always had an exceptionally good memory. I can clearly picture instances from as young as two years old. I have hundreds of songs memorized word for word, note for note, and I can rattle off tons of useless trivia. What I care about the most are the memories of my friends. I don't want to ever forget all the local concerts and dates and game nights and philosophical conversations. If I could, I would almost definitely have brain implants just to improve my memory. I'm just a really, really sentimental person, I guess.

Going Insane
There are times I feel like I'm losing my tentative hold on reality. It always freaks me out a little when I catch myself wondering if things are real or a figment of my imagination.

Being Hospitalized
As much as I like being alive, I never want to do it solely because of machines hooked up to my body. When this frail shell decides to stop supporting me, then it's time to go, in my mind. Even less-serious hospital stays scare me a lot. I've never had to stay overnight at a hospital, though I've been in plenty of times to have them tell me my racing heart and aching chest are showing no problems. I've laid on a bed with an IV in my arm for a few hours, and that wasn't as terrible as it could have been, but feeling cold fluid pump into my arm was unsettling, to say the least. I just don't look forward to the inevitable day when I have to spend the night in an unfamiliar bed while my health is in danger.

This is a weird one. I never want to drive. Not only does it terrify me, but I feel I would most certainly put other drivers in danger. I get nervous and adrenaline-y just thinking about it. First of all, I've a very jumpy person. Even just seeing someone outside the bathroom after opening the door, even if I know they're there, makes me jump. It's ridiculous, I know. The heart rate goes up and my chest starts to hurt because that's what happens when I get scared. I get severe pain and need to rest for a while. Do you really want someone like me driving in front of you on the road? Furthermore, my depth perception is practically nonexistent. I have very, very poor spacial reasoning. To top it off, my coordination is really damn bad.

Having Children
I don't want children. I don't like them. That should be clear to anyone who reads my blog, I think. Still, the thought has crossed my mind many times - what would I do if I got pregnant? I'm not entirely convinced that my body could handle the stress. My joints are weak, my muscles are weak, and I'm 95 pounds of five-foot-tall health concerns. My biggest concern is my metabolism. I have a small stomach, so I eat small amounts, but I eat very frequently. I can eat a full meal every three hours if I wanted to. I'm constantly hungry, constantly snacking, and during PMS, I'm binge eating like there's no tomorrow. My metabolism actually seems to have gotten a little faster over the past few years, and I've lost ten pounds that I'm unable to gain back. I don't think a metabolism like that would be very good at supporting me and a developing fetus. It barely supports me as it is. Major health concerns aside, the whole thought of pregnancy and childbirth scares the hell out of me. All the pains and stretching and gross things just make me never want to do it.

Getting Old
I want to live forever. That is, so long as I don't age. When I was 16, I developed arthritis. It's only gotten worse. My knees ache when I go up and down stairs. My lungs hurt if I walk too much. I already tell my boyfriend I must have the body of a 90-year-old. I really, really don't want to keep getting worse, but I know that's how it's going to go.

Losing a Sense
This would drive me crazy. I love music too much to live without my hearing. I can't do art if I lose my sight. I can't cook if I lose my taste or smell. You're screwed no matter what if you lose touch, but luckily, that doesn't really happen.

I had to have a cavity filled a few years ago. I almost had a heart attack. I was shaking and everything. It was all sort of terrible. It wasn't even that bad. I can't imagine having to be unconscious for something. With the major surgeries, that fear of dying or being hospitalized comes into play, too. Surgery is just something that will ruin my life on of these days.

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