Friday, October 14, 2011
December Is Too Early
I have a seriously huge amount of things going on in my life right now. Some people very close to me are going through some major life changes, and in at least one case, that life change is in a very different direction than I am willing to go.
I was all set to start college his past fall. I was totally ready to just go ahead and make some new friends and such. That didn't happen. Mostly, some things came up for Tim, and the plan was to go together, so I didn't apply. Well, he may not start this year, either. As soon as I realized that, the desire to just go ahead and continue on my way without him became really strong. I decided I'd start for the spring semester. Unfortunately, the spring semester starts in December. I was hoping for January. I know it's not that big of a difference, but there's a bunch of stuff I'd like to get done between now and school, and a lot of that stuff goes down in December. I'm going to have to wait until August now.
I really can't wait to go to college. I've been out of high school since 2009, and that wasn't even by choice. My senior year of high school (and part of my junior year) was taken away without any warning, and I lost a lot of friends because I was never there to talk to them.
Even deeper than that, I really look forward to the fresh start that college will give me. I had some strange phases in my school life. I'm sure I put off a lot of potential friends. I think I've changed a lot since I dropped out. No one sees me as an artist and writer, though; they see me as the girl with tons of health problems who dropped out and lived with her boyfriend at 17. They also probably see me as the girl who's always angry at everything and has the most pessimistic views ever. In reality, I'm really optimistic, and not really all that angry. I know that's the image I sort of put out there for myself, and I know it's my fault lots of people didn't like me. Now I'm older and want to change that.
It feels like a lifetime ago that I was in school. In ways, it has been a lifetime. All of these health issues have really changed my perspective on life. They aren't going away, and I'm done with doctors doing inconclusive tests every few months. I'm stuck with this failing, fragile body, and I'm probably not going to live very long (in comparison to the average, at least), so I'd damn well better start making the best of it. I'll be the first to admit that there are days I'd rather curl up and die than get out of bed and deal with the pain, but I always do it. Other days, I remember that I have stuff to do, put on my serious face, and blatantly ignore the pain while I get that stuff done. The joys of being bipolar, right?
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm not the person that my schoolmates knew and disliked, and I'm ready and willing to go out there and meet some new people. You know, people I actually have things in common with and meet on my own, who know me the way I want to be known.
Related - I realized a few weeks ago that even though I have a full novel published, English teachers are going to hate me. English teachers always hate me.