A Newspaper

Tim and I went to a bunch of different McDonald's restaurants today in an effort to burn through some coupons we had. At the final stop, the drive-thru lady asked if we wanted a free newspaper. Always eager to hoard free things, Tim gladly accepted it.

It's rare I even look at the front page of the newspaper, let alone read it. I've never in my life sat down and looked over every page, but I felt compelled to do so for this particular newspaper. I didn't really read any of it. I just looked over all the columns of text, scanning for anything of interest. I skipped the sports, the NASDAQ readings, and the obituaries.

As soon as I skipped the obituaries, I decided I'd better look over them. What if someone I knew had died and I'd never know about it? That's always been a sort of irrational fear. I can't really say why. Anyway, as it turns out, someone I knew had died. A man who was my psychologist when I was a kid died of leukemia (if I remember correctly).

It's a weird sort of thing. As a kid, getting your mind analyzed is one of the most irritating things in the world. I hated going. I hated his dumb games and how he tried to dredge up memories I didn't want to talk about. I'd like to think that I would have turned out the same without him...that he had no bearing whatsoever on my life.

He likely did, though, and that's kind of weird. I barely remember the appointments themselves. I mainly remember hating going. It's odd to think that someone I very much disliked in the past may have actually helped, and now that person is gone. It's strange to feel neither happiness nor sadness over someone being dead; surely most people feel something. What is there to feel when you don't even know how someone influenced you? 

Photography

I used to think photography was a cheap form of art. Anyone can take a picture and call it art. Just use the standard rule of thirds, make it a clear shot, and hope people like it, right? Or you can go the photojournalism route and not even bother with interesting composition, just so long as you get your subject in there.

When I got a camera for Christmas a few years ago, I figured I'd experiment a little with photography. Take some pictures, sell prints...easy. My first few photos were pretty dull in retrospect, but one won a weekly photo contest, and that was cool.

This won something. I was sort of surprised.

I started taking more interest in other photographers on DeviantART very gradually. Even now, I only follow two or three photographers. I prefer digital paintings and such. Below is the first photograph (besides an adorable kitten) that I added to my favorites on DA. I was drawn to the surreality of it. It's far different than the average cityscape.

ghostly Hong Kong V by *photoport on deviantART 

Eventually, I found a lot of interesting photographs. People who played with shutter speed, infrared lenses, blurs, and all sorts of things to get really interesting effects...even just really great shots of cool landscapes or buildings.

tide and time by *sassaputzin on deviantART

Palace gardens by =master-photo on deviantART 

Turbulent by =IvanAndreevich on deviantART

clouds 'n lights by ~Fersy on deviantART

I took an interest in photos with models, too. I came to learn that there's a lot more to photographing someone than just taking a snapshot.

inner.guitarist by *nheira on deviantART

Home In The Stars by *SongOfTheDay on deviantART

He has unfortunately deactivated his account. It ruined my life a little.

I've done a lot of photography since I first started. I've found a new appreciation for it. I plan on getting a more expensive camera at some point to get into the fun shutter speed stuff. For now, lots of nature and still life, and that's okay. It's something I've found I actually enjoy doing.

Difficulty

It's been hard to do things lately. I've had no energy, no motivation, and no inspiration. I've hit one of the worst walls of depression I've ever seen. There are days (like today) when getting out of bed is just too much effort. Even while I'm typing this, I'm on my bed wrapped in a blanket because the prospect of taking a mostly cold shower (dying water heater) is just too much to deal with.

I have a massive pile of things that need to get done. I have tons of board game accessories and computer part jewelry to make for a craft show I'm planning on doing, and if that's hard to do, I can't imagine building up the stock for a later craft show.

Due to the incompetency and uncooperativeness of my family, I wasn't able to send in my medical assistance form on time, and I likely have another few thousand dollars of medical debt on my record that I can't pay. All they needed to do was give me some info I didn't know. Did they? Of course not. They just yelled at me that it was probably too late and never did anything.

I'm growing to hate a great deal of things and people. Lots of things are just getting to me more than usual, and it's becoming clear that very few people really grasp how difficult it is to do certain things, how mentally unstable I am, and how much of a rut this is.

This is the most writing I've done in a while. I've sat down to this blog many times and tried to express all of this, but somehow it never went well. I always decided I'd better stop writing before someone criticized me or tried to give me advice, both of which would irritate me and probably make me stay in bed for a week straight.

I'm very tired of getting advice, most of all. Just because you can do something doesn't mean everyone else can. There are many, many people below you, and maybe you're unaware of how difficult normal, every day things can be for other people.

I'm undecided on whether or not I'm interested in getting another job before college. I'm partly looking for more money. On the other hand, it was hard enough to find the motivation to go to work when I came home every night in pain and occasionally felt like I would pass out an hour into my day. If I said my health was mostly stable, I think I was wrong. It seems like it's deteriorating again. I've been getting awful headaches and the fatigue is worse than it's been in a long time. I don't really know that I can handle a job, physically or mentally. I can't even find the motivation or energy for my own projects.

I guess I just have a lot of things to deal with. The people that can help won't, the people that think they're helping are making things worse, and the stress of every day life has no outlet. Stuff is piling up due to the depression and total lack of interest, and that in itself is a big stresser, too. I'm constantly hurting and not feeling well, and that makes everthing much harder than it needs to be.

Part of me is very interested in getting out of bed and starting my day. The rest of me wants to sleep for a few months and hopefully wake up with some motivation. 

Why I Love Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is pretty awesome, I think. It's a holiday we celebrate simply by showing someone we care about them, then eating lots of chocolate. It's also a good excuse to be romantic, even if that's not really your thing, or if your relationship has just gone on too long to really be exciting all the time anymore. Here's a list of stuff I love about the holiday in general.

1. It's in winter.

Do you realize how boring the new year starts off after the fun of December is over? January has a couple days that we might get off from work or school, but none that we really celebrate. Valentine's Day is the first day of the year that has its own merchandise, candy, and general traditions.

2. It's a good excuse to approach that person you won't admit you like.

My first serious relationship started on Valentine's Day. It was weird. We were really close friends, and he knew I liked him, but he pretty much denied up and down that he liked me up until Valentine's Day, when he asked if I'd like to start dating. It was all very nice, and the relationship lasted 11 months, which is pretty long for being 14. Anyway, my point is that a day for romance is the perfect opportunity if you're in that sort of situation.

3. It's a good excuse for a date. 

I've been with my boyfriend Tim for 3 and a half years now. He sleeps in my bedroom every night, is pretty much constantly in front of me while we're on our laptops (like right now), and we go out to eat and grocery shop frequently. The restaurants in the area all know us as regulars. Valentine's Day is a good excuse to do something a little more special, like hang out at the local park or visit the local attractions you always ignore.

4. There are tons of fun edibles.

Any holiday is a good reason to make cakes and cookies, especially if they have cute red hearts all over them.

5. It's a holiday about love.

On Christmas, a lot of us can get a little greedy when it comes to gifts, or even a little overwhelmed trying to please everyone. Halloween is about hoarding candy, and New Year's is about...hoarding alcohol? Valentine's Day is all about the significant other in your life, spending some quality time together, and showing them they're awesome.

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