Things That Keep Me Sane

Heavy Metal

For a lot of people, it's noise. For others, it gets them all riled up and angry. For me, it's an outlet for all the anger I'd hold inside otherwise. Channeling my emotions through the music I'm listening to keeps me sane and relieves headaches. It can calm me down almost instantly. It's a learned thing, and I'm sure a rare one, too. 

Caffeine

That's likely an addiction talking, but whatever. It makes me feel better when super stressed.

Advil

For the days when headaches are a little too much for my high pain tolerance to handle.

Cats

Hug a cat and see if it doesn't make your day 20% better. Unless you're allergic. Then you should hug a toy cat.

Sylvester is worth 5 hugs.

Crafts

There's something about the way I do crafts that makes the tedious, meticulous, monotonous work very relaxing. It sort of lets my mind drift while still staying stimulated. I can work on things for hours before I need a break.

Pillows

When I have my own place and stuff, I might make a panic room filled with pillows. That would probably be fantastic. Sinking onto my pillows is the best part of going to bed.

Photographs

My bedroom walls are covered in photos and posters. I stare at my photos a lot when I need to think about things. Seeing friends can help clear your mind really well, even if it is only a photograph.

Video Games

Sometimes, there's nothing like getting lost in Tamriel for a few hours and beating the hell out of some mud crabs. 

The Pros and Cons of My Health

I have more things wrong with me than I can keep track of. It's not all bad, though, and in some things are half great and half awful. There's almost definitely stuff I'm missing, but this is what I came up with over a few days.

The Good Stuff

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.

I can eat a full meal to the point of being very full, then be hungry again two hours later. I can essentially eat whatever I want and never gain a pound.

2. I'm bipolar.

The manic half of bipolar disorder leads to days of hyper, productive euphoria and good moods.

3. I look nice.

I have reasonably clear skin and a decent figure. I'm more comfortable with my body than most people ever will be.

4. I have excellent hearing.

It can be a little selective at times, but I can hear really slight sounds and make out conversations from very far away.

5. I metabolize sugar faster than most people.

This allows me to take in massive amounts of pixie sticks and not turn diabetic.

6. I have a high tolerance for pain.

Mostly because I live with it every day.

7. I have perfect blood pressure.

This amazes me. Everything else wrong, and my BP is right where it should be on the dot.

8. I'm a fast runner.

I'm short, so my tiny little legs don't let me keep up with everyone as well as I'd like, but I can run pretty fast if I need to.

9. I heal insanely fast.
I'm hard to cut open. If I do get a cut, it has to be really deep before I bleed even the tiniest amount. I almost never bruise. I don't callus. I heal so fast that I rarely scar, and my scars fade a lot over time. My broken finger healed like, two weeks ahead of schedule, much to the happiness of my doctor. 

The Bad Stuff 

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.

It's speeding up. I lost a bunch of weight a couple years ago. I was at 105 at my heaviest, I think, which was essentially a perfect weight for little 5-foot-tall me. I dropped down to 92 over the course of about 3 months, and no one knew why. I had no change in diet or anything. It just sort of happened when all my other issues happened. I've gotten back up to 95, and now, even though I eat constantly, I can't gain any more. I'm always hungry. I eat more than my boyfriend does, and he's gaining weight. There's not really much I can do about it.

2. I'm bipolar.

The depressive aspect of bipolar disorder comes with being miserable, snapping at everyone, feeling tired, being sad, and just generally being really unhappy with everything. There are also a whole ton of negative things that are symptoms, most of which I have (though whether they're from the bipolar or something else I don't know), such as chronic pain, mood swings, etc.

3. I have frequent headaches.

Sometimes they come on by themselves. Others, they're triggered. I get headaches really easily. Too much noise will give me one. So will frequently switching songs without hearing them fully. I think it's because it breaks the flow that my mind expects, but that's just a theory. I don't like loud noises; having the TV too loud is actually quite painful. Sounds I dislike, like whistling, can give me one. Interestingly enough, I've done entire works of art in Sharpie and had no issues.

4. My joints all ache.

I have arthritis in my hands. My left index finger, which I broke a few years ago, just started having severe pain. My right wrist was starting to develop carpal tunnel once, but I was able to reverse it. My knees ache a lot.

5. I have to crack my joints to keep them from causing excruciating pain.

I can crack a whole ton of things. It's how I start my morning so I can move. As time passes, my joints get very stiff and sore as pressure builds up. Cracking joints relieves the pressure, loosens them up, and lets me continue working. My back is the best example of this. My spine sort of contracts, and if I don't crack it, it feels like the bones are grating, and the slightest movement sends a sharp pain down my back as if I've been stabbed. It hurts enough that I can't move for a second after it happens. Cracking it makes it all better. It sucks, especially, since I know lots of people don't like the sound, but I really do need to do it. 

6. I have slight scoliosis.

It's a condition where your spine is curved. In my case, it's likely from heavy backpacks in my early school years. It's minor, but it makes my back a little sore sometimes depending on how I sit.

7. I probably have asthma.

At the very least, I have really weak lungs. Moderate exertion makes my lungs burn and ache, and it takes over an hour before the pain goes away. I spent most of my childhood years in a trailer we heated with kerosene heaters. I suspect the oily smoke didn't help my lung development much.

8. I have a very weak immune system.

I get sick easily. I get very high fevers, and there have been several times when I've spent a week being really, really sick.

9. I frequently get dizzy.

Seeing lights burst in my vision, dark spots, and sometimes my vision just going black all happen all to frequently. It happens a lot when I do too much physical activity, but sometimes I'll just be sitting at my computer doing nothing.

10. I cant handle heat.

My body runs at 95 degrees. It pretty much stops functioning in temperatures above 95, and slows down drastically above 85. I get nauseous to the point where I barely eat, I get dizzy, I black out, and I can't breathe. Last year, my boyfriend and I went to a big camping/concert/party weekend. The last day there, we were packing up the tent in the sun, and it was probably about 92 degrees. I hadn't eaten much for breakfast because our stove ran out of propane. I blacked out, almost threw up, and ended up sitting on the bumper in the shade soaking myself with water while he did most of the work. My heart rate was way up, and so was my breathing. I don't know if that was heat stroke point, but if it wasn't, it was pretty damn close.

11. I have terrible balance.

I'm lucky I can stand up without tipping over, and I do tip a lot. My ex used to say I'd better never end up in a situation where I needed to take a sobriety test, because I would fail miserably when totally sober. I can walk in high heels and sprint through the woods no problem, though.

12. I'm slightly lactose intolerant.

It's really minor, so it's not a huge deal, but it makes me a little picky about how much of what kind of milk I'm willing to drink. Too much makes me queasy.

13. My eyesight is awful.

I inherited bad eyesight on, like, all sides of my family. Things get blurry about 10 inches from my face, if that.

14. I sweat a lot.

Maybe it's because of my metabolism. I really don't know. It sucks, though. Even when I'm cold, I sweat.

15. I can't eat a lot.

I have a small stomach. On top of that, when I eat a lot, my heart rate speeds up and I get really tired while I digest stuff. I feel sort of sick and dizzy for about an hour.

16. I have a high tolerance for medication.

That means not much works for me, which isn't very good.

17. I have a few specific aches and pains that keep coming back.

I sometimes get a sharp pain in my left leg (right where it meets the hip) that forces me to walk with a really slight limp. I get it every now and then, and it goes away pretty quickly. My right ankle bothers me sometimes. My jaw hurts sometimes because I grind my teeth at night.

18. I get tons of bug bites.

My boyfriend and I have pretty substantial evidence that bugs go for the sweeter blood, and because of my naturally high blood sugar, I'm always the first choice. He used to be the only one in his family to ever get bitten. When I'm around, I get all the bites and he doesn't get any.

19. I can't tread water.

I mean, I can, but only for about 30 seconds. I'm not very buoyant, and my legs are sort of weak.

20. Being startled is very painful for me.

Adrenaline makes my heart beat faster and my chest ache. It really hurts, and it takes a while for that to calm down and go away. I don't appreciate being scared.

21. My heart rate can go past 200 when sitting still.

It fluctuates rapidly. It's anything but slow and steady.

22. I have frequent chest pains.

Doctors have looked and found nothing. Of course.

23. I can't stay on a regular sleep schedule.

I'm all over the place. Being bipolar doesn't help any, especially when I can stay up for 26 hours before feeling tired, be awake for 8 hours and need sleep, or be unable to stay asleep for more than 6 hours.

24. Sometimes my hands shake horribly.

Other times they're perfectly steady. 

Weird Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

I assume my boyfriend knows all of this stuff (since he lives with me), and I imagine a lot of it has come up around our closest friends as well. For the rest of you, I make no sense. These are in no particular order (sorry), and some are much more serious than others.

I eat my oatmeal dry.

It's gross when it's warm and mushy. D: I use a spoon and eat it right out of the packet.

I went to court for truancy.

In 4th grade, I had a lot of really bad friend issues. The girl I thought was my best friend was sort of terrible, and then she was worse when I decided I'd had enough of her. On top of it, there was this other girl that wasn't mature enough to handle any of the stuff we were going through. They were pretty much the only friends I had, and I missed a lot of school. In 5th grade, it was a new school building with the older grades, and the four elementary schools are all put together and shuffled around. The grade is split up into two "teams" where each team has like, 5 teachers. You might move around in your own team, but you would never do anything with the other team. That means I have like, no friends in my classes (in fact, there was only one person in my class that went to the same elementary school as I did), no one to talk to at lunch, and an unfamiliar environment. Instead of giving me help or trying to set it up so I could work from home because I clearly had severe issues, there was a time when I was carried by the principal to his office, forced onto a school bus, and generally humiliated on a regular basis by my teachers. I missed enough school that I had to go to the magistrate and risk going into foster care, which probably would have led to me running away or committing suicide, to be totally honest. My own family has trouble dealing with my food habits and personal endeavors; a new family would have no chance. Anyway, it all worked out and the one girl I knew sort of adopted me, and even though she lives across the country now, we're still great friends. I obviously stayed with my own family and continued on in school, only to later drop out against my will (though I should have done it anyway). Still, the whole experience was a big pile of trauma that I really didn't need.

I taught myself how to read.

I used to make my family read me stories constantly. I would follow along with the words, and before I knew it, I recognized tons of words. I was able to read books by myself without any of them lifting a finger to teach me anything. As I moved into more advanced books, I picked up grammar and punctuation like it was nothing. English classes refined what I already knew. I knew college-level grammar rules by middle school. Latin really helped pull it all together. After all, we had to understand our own grammar before we could put it in Latin.

I play trumpet really damn well.

I picked up the trumpet for band in 5th grade. Needless to say, my frequent absences made me one of the worst. I stayed after school with our horrible teacher, and she told me to quit and pick up a different instrument because I had an overbite. My dentist, by the way, says I do not. Anyway, I somehow learned it all really fast, because by freshman year of high school, I was the best of my grade's trumpets. All that with minimal at-home practicing (and none after like, 7th grade).

Dogs kind of scare me.

I've been around cats my whole life. When I was little, we had a dog, but we kept her outside, so I never interacted with her at all. When I went to friends' houses, sometimes they had dogs that would bark at me and jump on me and lick me. It was the scariest thing ever. I've pretty much gotten over it now, but I still don't like jumpy dogs. I'm usually just worried they'll knock me over and drool on me. I also don't want to get scratched by them, even though I know in most cases the dogs mean no harm.

I've never done laundry in my life.

I've helped at the laundromat before we had our own stuff, but that was when I was like, 10 and younger. Don't make me do laundry. It probably won't end well.

I taught myself how to cook.

I never cooked anything other than the occasional baked goods before I was 17 or so. When I started having health problems, my sleep schedule got all screwy, and I was often up at night with only my boyfriend. I learned how to make tons of baked goods, and from there, I taught myself how to do meats and stuff. Now I'm totally self-sufficient and make better meals than the rest of my family. I even have my own way of making rice, which I had never even eaten until a few months ago.

October is my favorite month. 

Fall is my favorite season. I love the temperature - perfect for a light jacket - and the smell of leaves. October is pretty great. I love Halloween, my birthday comes on the 23rd, and it's a whole month dedicated to pumpkin bread, hayrides, corn mazes, and pretty leaves.

A good example of Octoberness.

I'm terrified of soccer.

I have next to no coordination with my feet. I was lucky I survived marching band. Add to that an incident where I got hit in the face with a soccer ball and got really swollen, and you'll find that it's one of the worst things you can ever make me do. I'm just not aggressive enough to like sports, and in soccer, it's aggressive or get yelled at my the teacher.

I hate guys who give me special treatment because I'm female.

I've always had friends who were male. In elementary school, most of my friends were boys. In high school, the main group I hung out with (and still often see) was a bunch of big guys who played video games and looked really damn intimidating. Despite the fact that I was like, a third of their size and hardly played games, we got along great. I've had lots of my guy friends tell me they think of me as just "one of the guys," and that means a lot to me. To contrast, I've worked with people on projects who think they need to be careful not to offend the girl of the group. They're nice to me so they don't hurt my feelings. They don't joke with me about the same things, or tell me which porn stars they think are really hot. It's frustrating. In ways, I think on a more masculine level anyway; I don't care about the petty drama that a lot of girls do, and I don't feel the need to flirt with every male in the vicinity to get get what I want. The guys I'm used to don't care about any of that crap either. Also, despite the fact that some of them look like they could and would break someone in half, they're there to listen if I want to open up about a relationship I'm in or something. That's what I'm used to. I don't want the mindset that you shouldn't hit girls, that girls are easily upset, that girls get offended if you talk about your man parts, and etcetera. If you're a guy that really wants my friendship, than don't treat me any differently than the other guys you hang around. Give me the same hand-reddening high fives and complain about your girlfriend.

My religious views are confusing.

I'm not a Christian, but I believe God exists. I refuse to serve a being who supposedly created life with a free will and expects that life to obey his every command. That being said, I think most of the Bible is a load of crap. I believe most deities exist, and I do not believe any one of them is omnipotent, or even close to that. I think they are simply immortal beings on another plane of existence who offer protection to their followers. I believe there is a measure of truth in all religions, but I don't believe any of them entirely. Pagan beliefs are the closest to my own, so I suppose if I had to label myself, I'd say I was a pagan. I believe in an afterlife, and also in a form of reincarnation. I don't believe in an eternal punishment for your actions in your tiny amount of years on this Earth. I believe sin is dictated by the people of the world, not by a deity. I believe that we are here to learn about ourselves and our spirit's past forms on our way to bettering ourselves, much like the concept of Nirvana. I will not dedicate myself to a being. I have respect for the laws of society and the people I interact with, and I am doing what I can to improve the world of the living. I will not offer praise to a being on another plane of existence. I believe in fate, but not in karma. I believe our origins are mostly evolutionist. I think everything happens for a reason, and that if we spend a lifetime working towards one goal, that is how we were meant to spend that lifetime. Perhaps we'll never see it come to fruition, but a century later, the work will be recognized; maybe it was all useless, but it will prevent others from following the same path. Either way, I believe everything coincides with other events, and everything is connected.

I am allergic to two specific laundry detergents.

Gain and Dynamo both have a chemical that makes me really, really itchy. I don't know what chemical it is, so I don't know what others have it, but those two do for sure. I think it's the only specific allergy I have, other than nickel, which almost everyone has.

I would rather be in a snake pit than have one spider on me.

I like snakes. I think they're really cool, and I also know how to not agitate them. Spiders want me dead. Every time I see a spider, I ask someone to kill it. If they don't, it ends up crawling up my leg sometime later on. Never fails. It's like they see me as this all-you-can-eat buffet.

I can't wear thongs.

I disagree 100% with anyone who says they're comfortable.

I've never watched porn.

Seems awkward. XP

I'm slightly lactose intolerant.

I can eat milk in my cereal, but I prefer 2%. Whole milk makes me a little nauseous. A lot of 2% will, too, but it's usually okay to have a bowl or two of cereal. 1% and skim are just yucky.

I have really, really dry skin.

If I dry off too much with a towel, I might just disintegrate. 

I like guys with either blonde or black hair.

Even though they're opposites, those two colors are the best. Style depends drastically on the person, though I made this thing on DeviantART and noticed that I'll probably really like you if your face is obscured by your hair. (Mechazawa is a joke. Pay no attention to that. XD)

Also, I apparently like guys who are sadistic and/or mass murderers.

I can't stand whistling.

It gives me a very, very bad headache. I don't know why. If it's low, it's tolerable, but I still hate it.

I love really soft fabrics.

This is probably because of my dry skin, really. I'm way more likely to buy a shirt because of how soft it is over how nice it looks. Luckily, there's Deb, and most of the shirts they sell are both. I recently bought a nice blanket at Borders that's pretty much the softest thing I can use to make myself into a burrito. Best $16 I ever spent.

I flip between being dominating and submissive.

There are situations where I'm totally fine with taking orders, mostly when I don't want responsibility or want to trust someone's judgement. Other times, I want control over every minute detail. Let's not even go near the sexual implications of this.

I have weird elbows.

When I extend my arm, the joint can go past 180 degrees. I can actually touch the insides of my elbows together. My friends say they look broken. It's pretty funny. I'm also able to lick my elbow. 

I don't like chocolate things.

Specifically, chocolate cake, frosting, and ice cream. I love marble cake, though. It's my favorite. I can eat chocolate cake and icing, but they're usually just too sweet for me. I only ever do so when PMS drives me into a chocolate-craving frenzy. I always regret it afterwards.

I hate feminism.

Dear women of the world: without men, you wouldn't exist. My mother is one of those women who jumps at any opportunity to say things like "that's a guy for you" or "men are worthless." It gets irritating really fast. It's a good part of why I generally like guys more. Sure, you have the occasional remark about how women make no God damn sense, but there's never this idea that the world would be better without them. Feminist women seem to think we'll be able to reproduce asexually one day and that the male gender will become obsolete (my mother believes this, by the way), and I'm sorry (I'm not), but that's just ridiculous. Plus, I love men. They can fit any need, from cuddly and adorable to sex god. That's more than you can say about most women, who range from petty ditz to sort-of-compassionate ditz.

Look how cute it is. Don't you want one?

I'm pretty good at real-time strategy games.

Age of Mythology is a fantastic game, and I'm pretty decent at it. My able-to-do-500-things-at-once mind is very well suited to the multitasking you need for RTS games.

I'm a democrat.

Plain and simple. My views are pretty moderate, but definitely lean more left. 

So I guess that's about it for now. There's tons of other stuff I could add, but for now, I guess you know a little more about me that you probably didn't know already.

The Bottom

You always hear about people "hitting rock bottom," but what is the bottom, really? Is there ever really a point where nothing could possibly get any worse, and if there is, has anyone truly hit it?

I've suffered with health problems for almost three years now. They took away a year and a half of high school experiences, led to me losing countless friends, and have just generally made my life miserable. It's no fun having tons of free time if most of it is spent with a horrible headache, resting because your heart rate skyrockets past 200 and you see dark spots bursting in your vision. Weekly occurence for me. Seriously.

On top of all of that, there are the mental issues. Being bipolar helps absolutely nothing. I mean, maybe the manic parts help, but not enough to offset all the horrible depression. It's really damn hard going from a euphoric state of productivity and a feeling of invincibility to a state where you really wish you would just die and not have to deal with anyone anymore. It's hard on everyone involved, really, not just me.

Even at my lowest points, when I think I'm ready to just walk away and never look back, I can't say I've hit that proverbial rock bottom, and that scares me. I've watched things get worse. I've felt them get really, really bad, when they were already nearly unbearable. I've found myself wondering just how close to the verge of insanity I really am, wondering how much of so many things are real, or if I'm imagining things completely. It's hard feeling like you're about to totally lose it when you know there are still miles of dirt under you that can crumble away at any time.

A Long Absence

Stuff is, well, a wreck. I'm having terrible heart palpitations, and just yesterday, I had some really bad pain from food poisoning. Don't eat bad potatoes. Seriously. I'm busy working on the video game still. There's lots of concept art for me to do. I'm still writing, and I'm trying to get super hardcore awesome at digital art. That's what's going on with me. I can't say when I'll have enough time to get back to doing this blog, but I really do plan on it.

Insanity and My Addiction to Pain

I know this little blog isn't super popular. I only have 6 subscribers in total, and a couple of those are only here for my daily art and jewelry crap. I don't see the names of the people who subscribe to my blog's feed, but I'm willing to bet that those people aren't four of my closest friends who know me inside out. Most of the things I blog about aren't really personal. I mainly want to share my art, recipes, and (sometimes) experiences. This post, however, will give you a real look into my life and mind.

I am probably one of the best examples of a person debilitated by stress. I live with three cats, my mother, her two sisters, and her two brothers, one of which has Down Syndrome. My boyfriend moved in about a year and a half ago. So far, maybe this doesn't seem so bad. What seventeen-year-old gets to live with her boyfriend, for that's how old I was at the time he moved in? Keep in mind that no one in my family went to college. They all have entry-level jobs in food service, so they put in about forty hours a week for little money. That's part of why we live together. The bigger reason is to take care of Chris, my retarded uncle.

My two aunts (I have a third, but she is the only married member of the family and lives outside of this house) are easily two of the dumbest, ignorant, most miserable people I've ever met. They're kind to others, especially at work where they deal with people all day, but all the tension and anger piles up until the get home, when they complain about things that are out of their control and have stupid reasons for hating the world. They also fuss over the cats like they're their children, picking them up whenever they walk by, kissing them constantly (and loudly) and talking to them like babies. It's beyond words how awful this is. My cat's shrink back from them sometimes, but they don't care.

Among almost all of the family members, there's arguing. My mom is almost deaf in one ear from wearing a headset at work all day, so she's obnoxiously loud naturally, and pairing that with a couple irritable people makes for stress that you can't know unless you've been there. Recently, my uncle Chris has been declining, and it seems like every plan to get him help has failed to get off the ground. No one really knows how to treat him kindly, so he goes into his room and screams at them through the door. They usually yell back. More stress.

I have almost every stress-induced symptom known to man. I have severe joint pain, insomnia, chronic fatigue (even when I sleep well), weight issues (loss in my case), dizziness, headaches, migraines, and spotty vision. All of that made me miss so much school my junior year that the school dropped me out. Up until my junior year I only had the headaches and insomnia, then everything came on at once. Instead of staying up for 24 hours, I could only stay awake for 8. I was a wreck.

I've been depressed for years, probably as early as my seventh grade, I'd say. I'm the type to really lash out at someone who really pisses me off, but I usually have to hold that in check. I have enough control to never lash out at a teacher, for instance, mostly because I've always cared very much about consequences and first impressions. My anger is reserved for those who will forgive me later, which has caused more problems than anything, really. I've been in relationships that were perfect up until it reached a certain point of comfort, then they attracted my wrath like a magnet, ending the relationship.

Music has been my outlet. Many people out there say metal and hard rock music promotes violence. Maybe for the weak. For me, I channel my anger into those grinding melodies and let it relax me. The metal pulls the anger away, and I feel much better afterwards. I've never turned to smoking, cutting, drugs, or alcohol. Those leave permanent scars, and scars aren't consequences I like. Furthermore, what if alcohol, for instance, brought me pain relief that I never imagined? Then I have the type of personality to become Clark Summit, PA's next alcoholic. Good bye, life! I don't even like taking pain relievers for the same reason. I know Advil is not physically addictive, but I don't want it as my crutch. I've built up an abnormally high pain tolerance over the years just because I've suffered through so many headaches.

With my current boyfriend Tim in the picture, my insomnia has barely existed. But right now he's away for a two week testing period at a college he may attend. He's been gone over a week, and in that week, I've barely slept. All the stress has no outlet. I'm a machine of angst, adrenaline, and pain. Every part of my body hurts right now.

With every waking hour, I feel a million emotions. The slightest thing makes me panic. I'm hostile to almost everyone and everything. Little bits of insanity keep poking in through my armor of anger, weakened as it is by my horrid sleep patterns. I feel the need to release all of it, but I can't. I'm drawn to that pain like a heroine addict is drawn to a needle. I let it build and build, and the more it builds, the more insane I become - the more sadistic, panicked, volatile, and agonized I become. It is a terrifying, exhilarating, tingling feeling all over my body. All the conflicting emotions bring out the adrenaline and the inspiration.

I have spent years training myself to embrace the pain rather than hide it. I practically absorb it into myself, using it as fuel to keep myself going day after day.

Perhaps that is why I am an insomniac.