Forgotten Tunnels

I had a pretty miserable year most of 2011. There were some highlights, sure, but most of it was downright bad. It was bad enough that it leaked into 2012, with January and February seeing the worst depression I'd had in a while, if ever. I was starting to think I was completely losing my mind and all fragments of myself, and I wondered often if I'd ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it was a tunnel that only went down into the dark, or it was a dead end. It might never open up again.

Sometime around the 10th - 12th of March, Tim and I were at Denny's for dinner. When we were leaving, I asked if we needed anything from Walmart, since it was late and that was one of the few things open. I just really felt like going, I guess. I like wandering around Walmart. Well, we went, and we met up with a friend I had worked with at Target. She was also a seasonal hire there, so, like me, Target dropped her when the season ended. She told me to apply.

I can't explain the draw I suddenly had for Walmart, and if I tried, it would sound so absurd. I'm sure not many people look at Walmart and say, "Oh my God, I absolutely positively want to work there. That seems like the best idea I've ever heard!" I hadn't even been actively looking for a job. I was still way too busy being sad that I existed, but I went home, got on my computer, and applied.

Needless to say, I got the job, and that was probably the best spontaneous and stupid decision of my life. Because of my job, I'm far healthier, both physically and mentally. I posted about the end of my relationship with Tim and the beginning of one with my coworker Will, and almost a month of officially dating later, we're doing great. We're both wonderfully happy to be together, and I think we're improving each other's lives a lot without even really trying.

Look at this guy. He's adorable!

Because of the hours of my job, I barely see my family anymore, which means much less stress at home. I wake up, Will gets me for work, I enjoy a day of unloading trucks and moving things, and then Will returns me to my house, where I usually make him food and we talk for hours about very random things like lemon turtles. He's there for me when I'm too tired to scoop my own ice cream, and I'm there for him when he's hacking up a lung and needs soothing tea.

I was just looking back over my blog earlier tonight and saw all the posts about being very depressed. It feels like that tunnel I was in is now a lifetime behind me, completely overgrown and hidden away. It feels like everything has settled into place, like everything is where it should be, and like this is how it was supposed to be all along. 

Where Life Is Headed

Life's been a little insane lately, to say the least. I've got a lot going on in quite a few different areas, and there's a lot I want to balance out and get done.

Life

Personal life has some major shifts, which there will be posts about later. They've taken effect already, but it's just that they're such a huge change, they'll need a post all their own.

Gardening

I have plants growing! Sage, oregano, spearmint, and habanero peppers, to be exact. They're doing so well. It's happy-making. :)

Writing

I'm considering tackling the sequel to Among the People Lost and getting it done already. Not sure if that's what I'll do, but that's an idea. I've still got the prequel to finish writing and a few other major chunks of literature concerning the characters, and that's a lot of work. In other projects, I have The Devil's Blade and my futuristic cyborg dragon story to write.

The Dragon's Claw

I really need to sit down and come up with a game plan for this thing. I really want to get back into it, but it's really hard to do all the work myself when half the point is getting people to submit articles and such. I have enough time to put it together each month, but writing five articles an such makes it tough work.

College

I'm putting it off at least another year because (and you're going to think I've lost my mind) I love working at Walmart too much to quit.

Work

I'm really loving my job in the back room at Walmart. The people are great, and it's like getting paid to go to the gym. I've put on a lot of muscle, likely gained some weight, and generally gotten a little healthier.

Art

I'm going to be doing a lot of photography soon just because of how nice the weather should be getting and everything. I'll keep fractaling, and I haven't had much time to do drawings, but I have a bunch I need to finish and I'd like to do more speedpainting practice. Craft fairs are sprouting up this time of year, and I would do more if I had stock, but as it is, I mainly need to sit down and have a jewelry-palooza.

Summer
My friends are rebooting their gaming series Snack and Fitzgerald, so I imagine I'll be spending a good chunk of my summer days off filming videos. It should be a good excuse to get lots done and play lots of board games. 

Things I Did This Week

1. Ate fish sticks! I've never had fish before in my life. Seriously. XD

2. Started unloading trucks at Walmart. It's kinda fun. :D

3. Learned how to speedpaint from watching a very good tutorial.

4. Ran out of money from Target and tax returns.

5. Got my first Walmart paycheck to replenish that money.

6. Made chicken marinated in whiskey. It had lots of flavor.

7. Took nice portraits of Tim.

8. Tried Nutella. Not as tasty as everyone thinks it is, in my opinion.

9. Started eating bagels with peanut butter instead of plain.

10. Pulled super heavy pallets ALL OVER WALMART.

11. Made a meal schedule to incorporate more variety and healthiness into my diet and Tim's.

12. Spent minimal time on Facebook and maximum time being productive.

I guess this is a spring for getting in shape, getting healthier, and lots of food. :P

Neglect

A lot of my things are getting neglected lately. My DeviantART inbox is all sorts of overflowing, and my email still has messages from November that are untouched. My room is a little messier than normal, and now there's a broken microwave on my floor taking up space. I got halfway through dismantling the thing for parts and got tired of it.

I'm sort of living in this big sea of clutter. If Tim didn't live with me, I might just build a nest on my bed and spend all day there. I've been known to hoard things like that. I'd clean stuff, but I just haven't had the energy lately. I'm constantly tired or busy being really sad about doing things.

I know I really, really should be doing things. I have a big long to-do list and grandiose visions of me getting stuff done. All I'm actually doing is playing some Skyrim, eating, and watching '90s fantasy shows while telling myself and Tim that tomorrow is the day stuff really needs to get done.

It's all very sad and pathetic. 

Resolutions

Alright, 2012. You're just over two weeks old, and already I've dumped a whole ton of projects on you, and I expect cooperation. I'm hoping to do all of these things (at least to some extent) by the time 2013 comes around. Or we all die. Whichever comes first.

Enlightenment

Sometimes, things are generally uninteresting until you get that tiny spark that starts a landslide of information and education. I think I've found my spark to start seriously looking into metaphysical studies. 

Fantasialund

This is a secret (mostly) project I'm working on. Only a few people know about it so far, and it's sort of big. I've been working on it a little at a time for a few days now.

College

I still have to apply and stuff. I'll be starting in the fall for visual arts.

Among the People Lost Prequel

I'm writing two. One is started, and it needs to be finished. 

Latin

I have a Latin book. Let's relearn all that dead language stuff I forgot.

Stay Relatively Healthy

When I worked at Target seasonally, lifting 40 pound bags of dog food and cat litter rebuilt a lot of muscle I'd lost over the past few years, where the only activity I saw was moving my laptop around. I'd like to keep doing stuff to stay sort of in shape.

Read

I don't read as much as I used to. I just bought a book on eBay two days ago, and I should just suck it up and buy some downloadable ebooks so I don't have to spend so much money on bad literature.

Garden

Tim and I decided to have a veggie and herb garden this year. We found habanero pepper seeds at Wal-Mart.

Throw a Doom's Day Party

What better way to end the world than with a party? Related, I plan on waking up on December 22nd.

Keep the Magazine Going

My webzine is doing okay. I want it to stay at okay and rise up to pretty well. 

Be More Organized

I made a prioritized to-do list, and I'm hoping to force some better time management on myself to keep myself from getting so distracted.  

Meaning

A lot of people seem to think their lives have no meaning. For me, art has always been my meaning. Music, whether I'm listening to it, playing it, writing it, or it's just a part of the background, has always been very uplifting, motivating, and inspirational. Drawing has become more prominent as of late. It's really nice making art for someone's tattoo idea or whatever and seeing them really pleased with your work. Fractals, jewelry, photography, writing...they're all really rewarding. It's great doing stuff that other people enjoy, especially when it's really fun to do in the first place.

Working 42 hours a week has really changed that. Suddenly, I'm lucky to write 20 words a day or listen to 5 songs other than the ones playing on the ride to and from work. I went out yesterday (it feels like a month ago already) to a flea market, and that was a nice change of pace. Then I worked until 1:40 AM, stayed up until 6 AM, and slept until 4. I'll be going to bed after only 5 hours of being awake just so I can be up for my early morning shifts this week.

Point is, I've hit this horrid cycle of trying and failing to sleep, being exhausted when I have to get up and go to work, then getting off and being too sore from work to get anything done. Today is my day off; that's the only reason I'm finding time for this blog post.

I have a Christmas ornament to mail out. I have a large batch of barbecue sauce to make and mail. I have a half-completed medical assistance form that needs to be finished and mailed back. I lost a tattoo commission because I was days late. It's all just very frustrating, disheartening, and generally depressing.

I'd love to just take two days off and get stuff done, but I know that, in all likelihood, I'd spend the first day just recovering from working. People just seem to get ruder and more unpleasant as Christmas grows closer. Working register at Target the past week, I've gained so much stress just from dealing with people. I'd much rather be out on the sales floor helping people find things than standing at a register bagging items and arguing that the $30 DVD someone is holding is not the $20 one that's on sale for $14. I usually give up, mostly to keep my own sanity relatively intact.

I've taken in mostly chocolate, sweets, and caffeine over the past week. I baked myself an entire cake just to have cake. It was what I did while I should have been making my second test batch of sauce. Point is, I'm sort of miserable.

I think the worst part is that I can handle this job. I'm fast, efficient, and don't call off unless I'm sick. I'm there on time and leave when they want me to leave. It's just not bad enough for me to need to quit. It's even improving my health in some ways. I'm regaining a lot of muscle that I lost from inactivity, and I'm getting used to being active again.

I'm only a seasonal hire. I have 90 days of employment, and maybe they'll decide to keep me, but I don't plan on staying. I'm just really unwilling to quit a job that I only have for 3 months. I'd rather be able to say I finished my seasonal time without issue.

The whole thing is pretty awful. I know I can do it, and that doesn't make it any better. I don't want to do it, but I want to quit even less. It's just a big pile of obligations and priorities that I don't want to deal with. 

Hello, December!

So, I'm pretty sure November was the fastest 30 days of my life. That was gone in no time! :O

I'm going to spam you with updates now because I haven't done anything but writing tips all month. Sound good? Awesome.

Projects

-The second issue of my webzine The Dragon's Claw is here.

-The Devil's Blade is on hold for a few months while I make it 20% cooler and 80% more badass.

-I'll be working on the prequel to Among the People Lost that follows Dante and Hunter.


Promotion

Since you're all likely buying gifts and spending money this time of year, I'd appreciate any business you can send my way. :)

Dragonistic
-Facebook I'll be adding Christmas items really soon! Possibly tomorrow when I'm off.
-Zazzle
-CafePress

DeviantART prints

Among the People Lost


Personal

-Work is eating all my time. I won't be around as much, and holidays are going to eat the rest of my time.

-I'm not sick or dying anymore! Maybe.

-Work is doing several things to me. First, I have no time anymore to do hobbies. Second, it's fixing some of my health issues. I'm getting stronger from lifting things, my appetite has increased to a much more healthy level, I'm able to function on less sleep without feeling nauseous, and I don't get dizzy as easily. Third, I feel my mental stability going to hell. I don't think I can handle not having any time to release tension and ease stress with crafts and art.

Writing Tip #6

I'm super behind on my novel! Yay! I also have Skyrim and do not yet have a good pc to play it on. Work needs to hurry up and give me more money. Work may also be fixing some of my health issues. It's weird. Anyway, on to this tip thing.

Tip #6: Give yourself a vocab list.

My 8th grade reading class did weekly vocab things. Each week we had 10 words, and they were words that were actually pretty advanced and new, like bulwark, incongruous, and myriad. Occasionally we had to write stories incorporating at least 20 vocab words, and I really think the story I came up with was fantastic.

So here's my challenge to you. Go through www.dictionary.com or something and browse around. Maybe look at little used words or something. Get yourself a good list, and make it a challenge to work them into your writing. If you have miasma, sinew, and Gorgonzola, you might think up a detail like seeing sinew and exposed tendons at a butcher shop while the nearby cheeses have a miasma of cheese scents. It can really help spark ideas while trying to get all those words in there, and it also makes your writing a little more interesting.

Things That Keep Me Sane

Heavy Metal

For a lot of people, it's noise. For others, it gets them all riled up and angry. For me, it's an outlet for all the anger I'd hold inside otherwise. Channeling my emotions through the music I'm listening to keeps me sane and relieves headaches. It can calm me down almost instantly. It's a learned thing, and I'm sure a rare one, too. 

Caffeine

That's likely an addiction talking, but whatever. It makes me feel better when super stressed.

Advil

For the days when headaches are a little too much for my high pain tolerance to handle.

Cats

Hug a cat and see if it doesn't make your day 20% better. Unless you're allergic. Then you should hug a toy cat.

Sylvester is worth 5 hugs.

Crafts

There's something about the way I do crafts that makes the tedious, meticulous, monotonous work very relaxing. It sort of lets my mind drift while still staying stimulated. I can work on things for hours before I need a break.

Pillows

When I have my own place and stuff, I might make a panic room filled with pillows. That would probably be fantastic. Sinking onto my pillows is the best part of going to bed.

Photographs

My bedroom walls are covered in photos and posters. I stare at my photos a lot when I need to think about things. Seeing friends can help clear your mind really well, even if it is only a photograph.

Video Games

Sometimes, there's nothing like getting lost in Tamriel for a few hours and beating the hell out of some mud crabs. 

20 Things I've Learned

I've had a lot of life experiences in the past 20 years. Those experiences have made me who I am now, and I don't really regret any of them. There's something to learn from every failure and some worth in every hard time.

1. School is worthless after you know the basics.

I knew everything I needed to know for how to stay alive by, like, 7th grade. I've always believed that the biggest issue with school is how much they force on you. I wouldn't have minded 7 classes a day if 6 of them hadn't been things I didn't need. By high school, most of us have a good idea of our strengths and weaknesses. I didn't necessarily know what I'd be doing for life, but I knew it wouldn't involve math and science, so why take those when I could be in art courses? Anyone can get through school and have all that knowledge, but it's a big waste of time in my opinion. While all my friends were falling asleep in calculus, I wrote a novel and advanced my business.

2. Wisdom comes with experience, not age.

Old people tend to have accumulated more life experiences, but that doesn't mean anyone should discredit the experience of someone else just because they're young. I've been through things 90-year-olds know nothing about, despite how much time they've been out there living. Everyone's situation is unique.

3. Having intelligence is different than being smart.

Having good grades, completing college, and getting a good job means you have intelligence. That takes a lot of memorizing and understanding. That doesn't mean you catch on to things, are a quick thinker, or are innovative and clever when you need to be, or that you can figure things out for yourself, for that matter.

4. People change.

If the people around you change for the worse, it's time to be around new people. If they grow, you likely will, too. Sometimes people grow in different directions. It's an inevitable part of life.

5. Your beliefs and ideals will be challenged. 

Don't believe in premarital sex? Guess what - you're going to meet someone you like who doesn't think like that. Don't drink? Some day, someone will put a drink in your hand and you will be very confused and very conflicted. Point is, you are your own person, and as you grow in life, you're eventually going to grow close to people who think like you. If you give up your ideals and put off the growth, then you'll just end up surrounded by people you don't really like or agree with on anything.

6. Sometimes it's no one's fault.

It's easy to place blame on other people, and really hard to place it on ourselves. Sometimes, though, things just happen.

7. There are things in life that you cannot get away with.

Sometimes, you get caught doing things you shouldn't be doing. Learn and move on. If you're doing things you shouldn't be doing and you haven't been caught yet, quit while you're ahead.

8. Love is a very unexpected thing.

Relationships can kind of sneak up on you sometimes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

9. Your accomplishments will sometimes go unnoticed.

What's important to you is sometimes really silly to someone else, and they might not care a whole lot that you did it, but that doesn't make it less important. Always remember there are other people out there who care. 

10. You need to know how to stay alive.

You won't get anywhere in life (because you'll die) if you don't know how to cook, clean, and function in society.

11. People will complain about things they can easily fix.

Life is full of options. If you can't stand paying for checking, switch banks. If you hate your phone service, get a new one. It's not worth it to be miserable forever and make everyone else miserable when you haven't made an effort to fix things.

12. Your family will not understand you at some point in your life.

Whether you're suddenly a pagan in a Christian family or you want to drop out of school to paint giant pink unicorns, there will be times when your family wants to sit you down and lecture you for a week. Or maybe they just want to send you to the local mental hospital. Either way, most will just nod and let you go ruin your life (in their minds, at least).

13. You will not understand your parents at some point in your life.

Maybe they make a decision that makes no sense or is clearly influenced by how much they like your sister more than you. Maybe they can't seem to remember that the computer monitor and the TV are two separate entities. Whatever they do, they will do old people stuff at some point, and you will want to cry.

14. Your appearance matters.

If you go out every day looking like you just got out of bed, good luck making friends with anyone who doesn't look like that. We all have our standards. We look for friends and partners that are similar to ourselves. You have no one to blame but yourself if you put zero effort into looking nice and attract the scum of the earth. 

15. Poor spelling and grammar make you look like a monkey.

I swear, when I see some of the status updates from friends on Facebook, I think they must be fighting to reach the keyboard from a foot away while thrashing, so much so that they must use only the shortest abbreviations and have tons of typos. We live in a world that is becoming increasingly dependent on our technology. How you type is essentially how others hear your voice. If you want people to think of you as more than a three year old, put some effort into sounding intelligent.

16. You will offend someone at some point in your life.

You might not even realize you're doing it, but you'll do it.

17. Life is all about balance and compromise.

You'll have to give up about 40 hours of your week at some point in exchange for staying alive. You'll have to make compromises in relationships because you care about the other person and that's what relationships are about. There are tons of unpleasant things we all have to do in life, but if you're good about it, you'll still have plenty of pleasant things, too.

18. Things always get better.

Unless you kill yourself. Then you're dead and nothing gets better.

19. You will have unexpected obstacles thrown at you out of nowhere.

Maybe you get pregnant despite tons of precautions. Maybe health problems sneak up on you out of nowhere and ruin your life. Maybe you suddenly lose a family member, a friend, or a limb. Humans are very adaptable; you can work through it.

20. Life is what you make it.

Don't feel like you have to go to college and suffer through 4 years of school just to have a job. It can make it easier, but if it's not worth it to you, find an option that is. I think a lot of us look for things we don't need to do but that society has ingrained in us we should do, and we complain that we don't want to but we have to, and we do them and make ourselves miserable. It doesn't have to be like that. Spend more time on what you want to be doing rather than conforming to a norm no one is making you follow.

December Is Too Early

I have a seriously huge amount of things going on in my life right now. Some people very close to me are going through some major life changes, and in at least one case, that life change is in a very different direction than I am willing to go.

I was all set to start college his past fall. I was totally ready to just go ahead and make some new friends and such. That didn't happen. Mostly, some things came up for Tim, and the plan was to go together, so I didn't apply. Well, he may not start this year, either. As soon as I realized that, the desire to just go ahead and continue on my way without him became really strong. I decided I'd start for the spring semester. Unfortunately, the spring semester starts in December. I was hoping for January. I know it's not that big of a difference, but there's a bunch of stuff I'd like to get done between now and school, and a lot of that stuff goes down in December. I'm going to have to wait until August now.

I really can't wait to go to college. I've been out of high school since 2009, and that wasn't even by choice. My senior year of high school (and part of my junior year) was taken away without any warning, and I lost a lot of friends because I was never there to talk to them. 

Even deeper than that, I really look forward to the fresh start that college will give me. I had some strange phases in my school life. I'm sure I put off a lot of potential friends. I think I've changed a lot since I dropped out. No one sees me as an artist and writer, though; they see me as the girl with tons of health problems who dropped out and lived with her boyfriend at 17. They also probably see me as the girl who's always angry at everything and has the most pessimistic views ever. In reality, I'm really optimistic, and not really all that angry. I know that's the image I sort of put out there for myself, and I know it's my fault lots of people didn't like me. Now I'm older and want to change that.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was in school. In ways, it has been a lifetime. All of these health issues have really changed my perspective on life. They aren't going away, and I'm done with doctors doing inconclusive tests every few months. I'm stuck with this failing, fragile body, and I'm probably not going to live very long (in comparison to the average, at least), so I'd damn well better start making the best of it. I'll be the first to admit that there are days I'd rather curl up and die than get out of bed and deal with the pain, but I always do it. Other days, I remember that I have stuff to do, put on my serious face, and blatantly ignore the pain while I get that stuff done. The joys of being bipolar, right?

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm not the person that my schoolmates knew and disliked, and I'm ready and willing to go out there and meet some new people. You know, people I actually have things in common with and meet on my own, who know me the way I want to be known.

Related - I realized a few weeks ago that even though I have a full novel published, English teachers are going to hate me. English teachers always hate me. 

Things I Wish I Could Do

I have this vast list of skills and talents, all in varying degrees, and most of them not all that useful. Here now are some things I can't do that I wish I could.

Draw People 

People are hard as hell. I can't draw them without a reference, and forget about expressions and such.

Draw in an Anime Style

It looks easy. It's just lines. It looks so freaking easy. It's not. It's really damn hard. I can't get myself to think in terms of lines and perspective well enough to get anything good. 

Play Guitar

The arthritis has never helped, and the new pains I've been getting in my left index finger will definitely impede any further progress. I will get you to do what I want, hands! :|

Physical Activity

I'm lucky if I can go up the stairs in my house without my chest hurting, my knees creaking, or getting out of breath and blacking out a little. I think I have the body of a 90-year-old sometimes.

Move

My house is probably one of the worst environments anyone can live in. I have no money and no job, and that means I'm sort of stuck here. At least I got a mini fridge for my bedroom.

Make Clay Things

I can't do much of anything with clay. I don't have much ability to put things in 3D in the first place.

Play Games Better

I'm bad at video games. I'm always the one person in a group who hasn't played a really popular game, and I know if I tried, I'd be really bad and probably give up. I like things that don't require tons of manual dexterity.

Get a Job

It's hard finding a job when you have no work experience. The unemployment rate in my area is terrible, too.

Volunteer

I always learn about community projects after they happen. I'm slow on the local news, I guess. It always makes me wish I had known so I could help out with stuff.

See Without Glasses or Contacts

My vision is awful. I'm terrified of surgery, though, and eyeballs sort of freak me out, so laser surgery is not an option.

Reach My Kitchen Shelves

I'm five feet tall. Watching me try to get a bowl off of the top shelf while standing on a step stool and still failing to reach it is really pathetic. My boyfriend can verify that. 

Remember Numbers

Numbers fall through my mind like sand through a fishing net. :( 

The Pros and Cons of My Health

I have more things wrong with me than I can keep track of. It's not all bad, though, and in some things are half great and half awful. There's almost definitely stuff I'm missing, but this is what I came up with over a few days.

The Good Stuff

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.

I can eat a full meal to the point of being very full, then be hungry again two hours later. I can essentially eat whatever I want and never gain a pound.

2. I'm bipolar.

The manic half of bipolar disorder leads to days of hyper, productive euphoria and good moods.

3. I look nice.

I have reasonably clear skin and a decent figure. I'm more comfortable with my body than most people ever will be.

4. I have excellent hearing.

It can be a little selective at times, but I can hear really slight sounds and make out conversations from very far away.

5. I metabolize sugar faster than most people.

This allows me to take in massive amounts of pixie sticks and not turn diabetic.

6. I have a high tolerance for pain.

Mostly because I live with it every day.

7. I have perfect blood pressure.

This amazes me. Everything else wrong, and my BP is right where it should be on the dot.

8. I'm a fast runner.

I'm short, so my tiny little legs don't let me keep up with everyone as well as I'd like, but I can run pretty fast if I need to.

9. I heal insanely fast.
I'm hard to cut open. If I do get a cut, it has to be really deep before I bleed even the tiniest amount. I almost never bruise. I don't callus. I heal so fast that I rarely scar, and my scars fade a lot over time. My broken finger healed like, two weeks ahead of schedule, much to the happiness of my doctor. 

The Bad Stuff 

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.

It's speeding up. I lost a bunch of weight a couple years ago. I was at 105 at my heaviest, I think, which was essentially a perfect weight for little 5-foot-tall me. I dropped down to 92 over the course of about 3 months, and no one knew why. I had no change in diet or anything. It just sort of happened when all my other issues happened. I've gotten back up to 95, and now, even though I eat constantly, I can't gain any more. I'm always hungry. I eat more than my boyfriend does, and he's gaining weight. There's not really much I can do about it.

2. I'm bipolar.

The depressive aspect of bipolar disorder comes with being miserable, snapping at everyone, feeling tired, being sad, and just generally being really unhappy with everything. There are also a whole ton of negative things that are symptoms, most of which I have (though whether they're from the bipolar or something else I don't know), such as chronic pain, mood swings, etc.

3. I have frequent headaches.

Sometimes they come on by themselves. Others, they're triggered. I get headaches really easily. Too much noise will give me one. So will frequently switching songs without hearing them fully. I think it's because it breaks the flow that my mind expects, but that's just a theory. I don't like loud noises; having the TV too loud is actually quite painful. Sounds I dislike, like whistling, can give me one. Interestingly enough, I've done entire works of art in Sharpie and had no issues.

4. My joints all ache.

I have arthritis in my hands. My left index finger, which I broke a few years ago, just started having severe pain. My right wrist was starting to develop carpal tunnel once, but I was able to reverse it. My knees ache a lot.

5. I have to crack my joints to keep them from causing excruciating pain.

I can crack a whole ton of things. It's how I start my morning so I can move. As time passes, my joints get very stiff and sore as pressure builds up. Cracking joints relieves the pressure, loosens them up, and lets me continue working. My back is the best example of this. My spine sort of contracts, and if I don't crack it, it feels like the bones are grating, and the slightest movement sends a sharp pain down my back as if I've been stabbed. It hurts enough that I can't move for a second after it happens. Cracking it makes it all better. It sucks, especially, since I know lots of people don't like the sound, but I really do need to do it. 

6. I have slight scoliosis.

It's a condition where your spine is curved. In my case, it's likely from heavy backpacks in my early school years. It's minor, but it makes my back a little sore sometimes depending on how I sit.

7. I probably have asthma.

At the very least, I have really weak lungs. Moderate exertion makes my lungs burn and ache, and it takes over an hour before the pain goes away. I spent most of my childhood years in a trailer we heated with kerosene heaters. I suspect the oily smoke didn't help my lung development much.

8. I have a very weak immune system.

I get sick easily. I get very high fevers, and there have been several times when I've spent a week being really, really sick.

9. I frequently get dizzy.

Seeing lights burst in my vision, dark spots, and sometimes my vision just going black all happen all to frequently. It happens a lot when I do too much physical activity, but sometimes I'll just be sitting at my computer doing nothing.

10. I cant handle heat.

My body runs at 95 degrees. It pretty much stops functioning in temperatures above 95, and slows down drastically above 85. I get nauseous to the point where I barely eat, I get dizzy, I black out, and I can't breathe. Last year, my boyfriend and I went to a big camping/concert/party weekend. The last day there, we were packing up the tent in the sun, and it was probably about 92 degrees. I hadn't eaten much for breakfast because our stove ran out of propane. I blacked out, almost threw up, and ended up sitting on the bumper in the shade soaking myself with water while he did most of the work. My heart rate was way up, and so was my breathing. I don't know if that was heat stroke point, but if it wasn't, it was pretty damn close.

11. I have terrible balance.

I'm lucky I can stand up without tipping over, and I do tip a lot. My ex used to say I'd better never end up in a situation where I needed to take a sobriety test, because I would fail miserably when totally sober. I can walk in high heels and sprint through the woods no problem, though.

12. I'm slightly lactose intolerant.

It's really minor, so it's not a huge deal, but it makes me a little picky about how much of what kind of milk I'm willing to drink. Too much makes me queasy.

13. My eyesight is awful.

I inherited bad eyesight on, like, all sides of my family. Things get blurry about 10 inches from my face, if that.

14. I sweat a lot.

Maybe it's because of my metabolism. I really don't know. It sucks, though. Even when I'm cold, I sweat.

15. I can't eat a lot.

I have a small stomach. On top of that, when I eat a lot, my heart rate speeds up and I get really tired while I digest stuff. I feel sort of sick and dizzy for about an hour.

16. I have a high tolerance for medication.

That means not much works for me, which isn't very good.

17. I have a few specific aches and pains that keep coming back.

I sometimes get a sharp pain in my left leg (right where it meets the hip) that forces me to walk with a really slight limp. I get it every now and then, and it goes away pretty quickly. My right ankle bothers me sometimes. My jaw hurts sometimes because I grind my teeth at night.

18. I get tons of bug bites.

My boyfriend and I have pretty substantial evidence that bugs go for the sweeter blood, and because of my naturally high blood sugar, I'm always the first choice. He used to be the only one in his family to ever get bitten. When I'm around, I get all the bites and he doesn't get any.

19. I can't tread water.

I mean, I can, but only for about 30 seconds. I'm not very buoyant, and my legs are sort of weak.

20. Being startled is very painful for me.

Adrenaline makes my heart beat faster and my chest ache. It really hurts, and it takes a while for that to calm down and go away. I don't appreciate being scared.

21. My heart rate can go past 200 when sitting still.

It fluctuates rapidly. It's anything but slow and steady.

22. I have frequent chest pains.

Doctors have looked and found nothing. Of course.

23. I can't stay on a regular sleep schedule.

I'm all over the place. Being bipolar doesn't help any, especially when I can stay up for 26 hours before feeling tired, be awake for 8 hours and need sleep, or be unable to stay asleep for more than 6 hours.

24. Sometimes my hands shake horribly.

Other times they're perfectly steady. 

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

A bunch of my friends and I all agree that life would be at least 20% cooler if we could just forget about specializing and learn everything. School means you need to pick what you want to do for life, or otherwise spend ridiculous amounts of money to be in school your whole life learning everything, which you wouldn't be able to do without taking some stuff you learned to get a really well-paying career anyway. Here are some of the things I want to do, some of which I've seriously considered.

Writer

This was really the first serious career consideration of my life, I think. I wrote a story, which is absolutely terrible now that I look back on it, and everyone gave me tons of praise for it. It was a school project, so I read part of it to the class. It was way better than all the other kids', so it got shared by my teacher in the other classes, too. It was great. I felt like some sort of fantasy writing god. I really wanted to further that and go to school for writing courses. Now, I realize that most writing courses are totally superfluous if you already know tons about grammar, spelling, and story development. I've got a published book under my belt already, and I'm proud to be among the ranks of the other published authors out there, even if it is a self publication over Kindle. Writing is something I hope to be doing all my life, and though I'll likely never make a career out of it, at least I didn't have to go to school for annoying courses to figure that out.

Latin Teacher

This was my career choice up until quite recently. I love Latin. I think there's so much to learn from it. I also would love to be put in charge of a bunch of teenagers for an hour a day. In school, there are always the really bad teachers, and then there are the ones who actually make a difference in your life, and you'll remember them forever. I've seen far too many people go through hard times, and too often, teachers don't notice. I had a biology teacher who happened to be alone with me once when I had to make up a test. She had noticed that over the course of the year I had gotten a lot quieter and been looking more tired. I explained how stressful my home life was, and that it was really  getting to me and stressing me out. Out of my whole school career, she was the only one to ever notice that something was wrong, even beyond any guidance counselor I've ever dealt with. I'd like to think I would be that teacher for someone else. I also want to teach simply because I know I'd do a way better job than a lot of teachers I had. Too many teachers limit the way students learn and practice material. For every bad paper I've had to write, I thought up fun projects and such that would be by far more entertaining and engaging. I've learned more from all the posters I've made than the papers I skimped on because I didn't care.

Social Studies Teacher

I don't want to teach "Church Latin," a form that varies slightly from Classical Latin, the language spoken in ancient Rome. Church Latin changes the pronunciations, adds a bunch of Biblical words, and disregards old word order, instead using modern English word order. It's required in a lot of Catholic schools. I just really don't want to teach Latin to kids who don't care; I'd rather teach the kids that take the class because they're interested. My high school offered it, but they cancelled the Latin program. No other schools in my area offer it that I know of, and I like my area. Furthermore, dropping out cut a year and a half of Latin out of my life that should have been there, so making that up would have been difficult to begin with. I decided to go to school for social studies instead, but then art came up. 

Artist

This is my current attempt at a life. I got a digital drawing tablet for Christmas. It's my best friend (sorry, you people I use for board games, but I can't draw with you). It really got me back into drawing, which is a skill I'd sort of dropped a long time ago when other things took priority. I've improved a lot in the months I've been using it, and I really would like to get better. So far, I'm entirely self-taught, and that's really cool, but I think college will give me a little more discipline and direction in the areas I'm a little messy and lost.

Make Video Games

I've joined a few different video game teams working on things, mostly as a concept artist. I wrote some stuff for one of them, which was cool, but I wasn't in charge of the lore, so it was a little tough to do. Anyway, I think it's a lot of fun to contribute my skills to a team of people working to make something fun and exciting. I might do it more in the future. Right now, I've got lots of other stuff to do, and video game teams are demanding.

Make Music

I was really good at trumpet, but I haven't touched mine in a few years. I'm not great on keyboard, but I can do some stuff. I'd like to be better at guitar, but now that I've developed severe arthritis in my left index finger (I broke it a few years ago), that seems out of the question. I love my guitar, too, so I'm sad about it. I can sing pretty well, even though I don't like my voice, so that's the main thing I go for if friends want to start a band. I'd make it a full time career in an instant if I could. Sadly, it's not really something you go to school for and BOOM CAREER.

Run a Business

This was my goal somewhere between writer and teacher. I love making jewelry and stuff, and I think it would be really cool to have a store and everything. I've decided that it's a little too much responsibility, though, and not nearly enough free time to do the other stuff I want to do. 

Psychologist

I love psychology. I think it's fascinating, and the subject material just comes really easily to me. I understand it really well. The main reason I don't want to do it for a career is the long schooling needed to get started. I'd be learning too many things I don't care about.

Freelance ANYTHING

I would love everything forever if one of my random projects would take off and bring in enough income to live comfortably. That would be the best. I could do what I love and still have tons of time to dedicate to other things. 

Assassin

If only real life were D&D or something. T_T 

Things That Really Scare Me

We all have our phobias. Spiders, falling, and dozens of other things in varying degrees are among mine. Then there are the bigger things, some on which are unavoidable, that really make those phobias seem like nothing. Some of these may seem a little contradictory, but in my warped mind, they all make sense. So, in no particular order, here's a bunch of really serious things that make me want to freeze myself until a time when none of these happen.

Dying
Death is something that scares me quite a bit. It's not a spiritual reason; I have enough confidence in my beliefs that I'll get to where I need to go. I'm mainly very afraid that I'll die before doing things I want to do. With all the health problems I have (among them are an unhealthily fast metabolism and a heart rate that hits 200 resting), I worry a lot that I'm going to die young. I feel almost rushed to finish the things I want to finish. I want people to look at my life and appreciate all the things I've done. The last thing I want to do is die before I reach my goals.

Losing my Memory
I've always had an exceptionally good memory. I can clearly picture instances from as young as two years old. I have hundreds of songs memorized word for word, note for note, and I can rattle off tons of useless trivia. What I care about the most are the memories of my friends. I don't want to ever forget all the local concerts and dates and game nights and philosophical conversations. If I could, I would almost definitely have brain implants just to improve my memory. I'm just a really, really sentimental person, I guess.

Going Insane
There are times I feel like I'm losing my tentative hold on reality. It always freaks me out a little when I catch myself wondering if things are real or a figment of my imagination.

Being Hospitalized
As much as I like being alive, I never want to do it solely because of machines hooked up to my body. When this frail shell decides to stop supporting me, then it's time to go, in my mind. Even less-serious hospital stays scare me a lot. I've never had to stay overnight at a hospital, though I've been in plenty of times to have them tell me my racing heart and aching chest are showing no problems. I've laid on a bed with an IV in my arm for a few hours, and that wasn't as terrible as it could have been, but feeling cold fluid pump into my arm was unsettling, to say the least. I just don't look forward to the inevitable day when I have to spend the night in an unfamiliar bed while my health is in danger.

Driving
This is a weird one. I never want to drive. Not only does it terrify me, but I feel I would most certainly put other drivers in danger. I get nervous and adrenaline-y just thinking about it. First of all, I've a very jumpy person. Even just seeing someone outside the bathroom after opening the door, even if I know they're there, makes me jump. It's ridiculous, I know. The heart rate goes up and my chest starts to hurt because that's what happens when I get scared. I get severe pain and need to rest for a while. Do you really want someone like me driving in front of you on the road? Furthermore, my depth perception is practically nonexistent. I have very, very poor spacial reasoning. To top it off, my coordination is really damn bad.

Having Children
I don't want children. I don't like them. That should be clear to anyone who reads my blog, I think. Still, the thought has crossed my mind many times - what would I do if I got pregnant? I'm not entirely convinced that my body could handle the stress. My joints are weak, my muscles are weak, and I'm 95 pounds of five-foot-tall health concerns. My biggest concern is my metabolism. I have a small stomach, so I eat small amounts, but I eat very frequently. I can eat a full meal every three hours if I wanted to. I'm constantly hungry, constantly snacking, and during PMS, I'm binge eating like there's no tomorrow. My metabolism actually seems to have gotten a little faster over the past few years, and I've lost ten pounds that I'm unable to gain back. I don't think a metabolism like that would be very good at supporting me and a developing fetus. It barely supports me as it is. Major health concerns aside, the whole thought of pregnancy and childbirth scares the hell out of me. All the pains and stretching and gross things just make me never want to do it.

Getting Old
I want to live forever. That is, so long as I don't age. When I was 16, I developed arthritis. It's only gotten worse. My knees ache when I go up and down stairs. My lungs hurt if I walk too much. I already tell my boyfriend I must have the body of a 90-year-old. I really, really don't want to keep getting worse, but I know that's how it's going to go.

Losing a Sense
This would drive me crazy. I love music too much to live without my hearing. I can't do art if I lose my sight. I can't cook if I lose my taste or smell. You're screwed no matter what if you lose touch, but luckily, that doesn't really happen.

Surgery
I had to have a cavity filled a few years ago. I almost had a heart attack. I was shaking and everything. It was all sort of terrible. It wasn't even that bad. I can't imagine having to be unconscious for something. With the major surgeries, that fear of dying or being hospitalized comes into play, too. Surgery is just something that will ruin my life on of these days.

The Bottom

You always hear about people "hitting rock bottom," but what is the bottom, really? Is there ever really a point where nothing could possibly get any worse, and if there is, has anyone truly hit it?

I've suffered with health problems for almost three years now. They took away a year and a half of high school experiences, led to me losing countless friends, and have just generally made my life miserable. It's no fun having tons of free time if most of it is spent with a horrible headache, resting because your heart rate skyrockets past 200 and you see dark spots bursting in your vision. Weekly occurence for me. Seriously.

On top of all of that, there are the mental issues. Being bipolar helps absolutely nothing. I mean, maybe the manic parts help, but not enough to offset all the horrible depression. It's really damn hard going from a euphoric state of productivity and a feeling of invincibility to a state where you really wish you would just die and not have to deal with anyone anymore. It's hard on everyone involved, really, not just me.

Even at my lowest points, when I think I'm ready to just walk away and never look back, I can't say I've hit that proverbial rock bottom, and that scares me. I've watched things get worse. I've felt them get really, really bad, when they were already nearly unbearable. I've found myself wondering just how close to the verge of insanity I really am, wondering how much of so many things are real, or if I'm imagining things completely. It's hard feeling like you're about to totally lose it when you know there are still miles of dirt under you that can crumble away at any time.

Five Years from Now

I may seem like a walking cloud of anxiety and depression most of the time, but underneath all that misery, I'm actually a pretty optimistic person. I have goals and hopes and dreams and expectations. They change from time to time, but there are always a few constants. So where do I want to be in five years? In a lot of places at once, I think.

1. I want to be out of this house.
If you've never lived with every one of your single mother's unmarried siblings, never had to deal with a Downs Syndrome-afflicted uncle getting rapidly worse, never had to yell to the person in the same room because the people in the next are laughing too loud at terrible sitcoms for you to be heard, never had to check your silverware before use to make sure it's clean, never had to clean up the bathroom with every use, never been the only one in the house to go hungry a dozen nights in a row because no one thinks to ask you if you want dinner, never had to lock your own bedroom so people don't go in and steal things, never wanted to run away from the immense amount of negativity all around you every day, then you made out better than I did.

2. I want to have my Visual Arts degree.
Last most of you knew, my career choice was a teacher. Well, I wanted to be a Latin teacher, which is a certification type thing after doing other teaching stuff. Then Abington dropped me out, and I didn't get my full 4 years of high school Latin. I decided I'd go for Social Studies Education, figuring I'd always have the option to switch over to Latin. Then I learned Abington dropped their Latin program. I really don't want to teach Latin at a Catholic school, where it's required and I have a bunch of snobby students who don't want to be there. I'd rather teach at a public school, where the kids are in my class because they want to be. Thanks for killing that chance, Abington. So anyway, it made me really reconsider my career. I've been getting super hardcore back into drawing and stuff, and already you can see my progress. I learned that Keystone has a Visual Arts program, so I'll be going for that to improve and hopefully get somewhere.

3. I want a room full of stuff.
Art stuff. Photography stuff. Craft stuff. Jewelry stuff. Computer stuff. Music stuff. So much stuff that if I get inspired, I have everything I need in one spot. GOD, I LOVE STUFF!

4. I want a bigger kitchen.
I love cooking and baking, but my kitchen here is really tiny. There are too many people and not enough square feet for me to be able to cook as much as I'd like.

5. I want cats.
I love my cats. I don't think I'll be taking them with me when I move, though. Sylvester and Tiger are both 10+, and they had a hard time adjusting to a move when they were 5 and 4. I'd rather not stress them out again. Psyche might go with me, but I'm not sure. She does like me the most out of the three of them. If none of them go with me, totally adopting another kitty.

6. I want to have a job.
Sort of goes without saying, really, but with a Visual Arts degree, there's no guarantee that I'll have a solid career right out of college. It's more likely that I'll have a good-paying job that leaves me with enough spare time to do artsy stuff on the side.

7. I want to be with Tim.
It's no less important because it's this far down. It's just something I don't think of often because when I think of where I'll be in the future, he's always in the picture.

8. I want to have fans.
Or rather, I want one of my projects to have fans. All the projects I've started (or tried to start), and I feel so unnoticed. I just want one of them to catch on and get popular.

9. I want to have at least 3 books done.
I'll be finishing one within the next month, if all goes well. It's taken a little over a year so far. With college and stuff in the way, I imagine the next ones will take longer, so 3 seems to be a pretty realistic number.

10. I want a better understanding and knowledge of the metaphysical world.
It's something I'm currently working on. I've got a general knowledge of gemstones and horoscopes, and a very slight knowledge of natural remedies. I'd like to expand on all of that and learn new things.

11. I want to be healthier.
I imagine I'll be in better health once I get out of this massive amount of stress. Also, once I do more with number 10. I think it would be wonderful to go up stairs without my heart rate reaching 150.

12. I want a tattoo.
Seems so simple compared to the rest on here. I've had one in mind for a little while now, but I have no money, and any money I make has to go towards a new laptop. I feel like this is one of those things that I'll think about for an eternity before actually doing, and so it's on this list.

13. I want to like things.
I'm a super taster, which means I have like, 5 times the normal amount of taste buds. I can pick up preservatives that are normally undetectable and notice very slight differences in seasonings. It's great by itself, but as a kid, I never learned to like a lot of really common foods, and in a lot of cases, I don't think I ever will. There are too many things that trigger the gag reflex for me. Tim's managed to find some stuff I like, and I wish I liked more. It's really hard going through life on a diet as specific as mine.

14. I want to be child-free.
God, I hate children. They're gross, messy little noise makers that only serve to annoy me more than Tim can when he tries his hardest. I think I would kill myself. If he wants kids, I'll get him a puppy and put it in a stroller.

A Long Road

Chances are if you've held a conversation with me at any time, you know I've had health problems for the past few years. Dizziness, fatigue, pain, and heart problems were enough to drop me out of high school and put many things in my life on indefinite hold.

As far as education is concerned, I'm convinced that dropping out of high school was the best thing the school could have forced upon me. I didn't mean to drop out; it happened because I missed a lot of days and Abington Heights decided to unenroll me. It lifted a lot of stress and removed tons of classes that I would never use. It gave me an opportunity to freely persue hobbies like drawing, jewelry, and fractals, among others. I wouldn't be as far ahead in those areas - if involved in them at all - if I had finished high school.

I'll be heading to college this fall, if all goes accordingly, to persue a career as a high school social studies teacher. Lately, I've wondered what this choice will do for the more artistic areas of my life, so I intend to continue building my art skills as well.

As for my health, years of searching for things has brought me no difinitive answers. Though I haven't gone to a doctor to formally diagnose it, I'm positive that I have bipolar disorder. How I discovered that is a strange story that's sort of irrelevent at the moment. I have no answers for the headaches and dizziness, other than a stressful life. I have several possibilities for chest pains, all of which are untreatable. My heart palpitations (my heart rate can pass 200 while sitting) have no answers, either.

There are a lot of areas in my life that I feel need work, and with some recent developments concerning some people very close to me, I think it's about time I take those areas by the reigns and organize them into their respective stalls. I feel I've strayed quite far from things that used to fuel my inspiration and give me something to look forward to every day. Health issues have kept me away from other aspects of my life for too long. If I have to live my life with these health issues, so be it, just as long as I can get the rest of my life on track and moving in the direction I'd like it to go.

A Long Absence

Stuff is, well, a wreck. I'm having terrible heart palpitations, and just yesterday, I had some really bad pain from food poisoning. Don't eat bad potatoes. Seriously. I'm busy working on the video game still. There's lots of concept art for me to do. I'm still writing, and I'm trying to get super hardcore awesome at digital art. That's what's going on with me. I can't say when I'll have enough time to get back to doing this blog, but I really do plan on it.

What I've Been Up To

So I know I've really vanished off the face of the planet for a while. Life's gotten pretty busy. Right now, I'm working as an artist for an up and coming video game company. I can't say anything about the game yet, but it's coming along well. I'm also designing some dungeons and maps for another game company. I've been doing a lot of freelance art commissions, some paid, some not. It doesn't matter much to me. I really like doing things for other people, especially tattoo designs. I've done quite a few of those lately.

I've also been having health problems again. It's nothing new, but I thought my health was stabilizing, and now that all my issues are back, I guess I can't be so hopeful. I'm hoping to start college in the fall for Social Studies Education, whether I'm in poor health or not. I've got to get back into making jewelry, too.

In other news, my laptop has a dying harddrive. It crashed on me around Christmas, I fixed it, and now it's about to die again. I hope my warrantee covers that and replaces it for me. I totally can't afford a new harddrive.

Anyway, I've beens spending a great deal of time doing artwork stuff and baking. I really hope to get back into this blogging thing, but stuff is really hectic and sort of a mess.

In much more important news, the story I'm writing is almost done, and I've started posting it to DeviantART. Here's the first chapter:
http://eternalnight11.deviantart.com/art/Among-the-People-Lost-Chap-1-194048169