Where Life Is Headed

Life's been a little insane lately, to say the least. I've got a lot going on in quite a few different areas, and there's a lot I want to balance out and get done.

Life

Personal life has some major shifts, which there will be posts about later. They've taken effect already, but it's just that they're such a huge change, they'll need a post all their own.

Gardening

I have plants growing! Sage, oregano, spearmint, and habanero peppers, to be exact. They're doing so well. It's happy-making. :)

Writing

I'm considering tackling the sequel to Among the People Lost and getting it done already. Not sure if that's what I'll do, but that's an idea. I've still got the prequel to finish writing and a few other major chunks of literature concerning the characters, and that's a lot of work. In other projects, I have The Devil's Blade and my futuristic cyborg dragon story to write.

The Dragon's Claw

I really need to sit down and come up with a game plan for this thing. I really want to get back into it, but it's really hard to do all the work myself when half the point is getting people to submit articles and such. I have enough time to put it together each month, but writing five articles an such makes it tough work.

College

I'm putting it off at least another year because (and you're going to think I've lost my mind) I love working at Walmart too much to quit.

Work

I'm really loving my job in the back room at Walmart. The people are great, and it's like getting paid to go to the gym. I've put on a lot of muscle, likely gained some weight, and generally gotten a little healthier.

Art

I'm going to be doing a lot of photography soon just because of how nice the weather should be getting and everything. I'll keep fractaling, and I haven't had much time to do drawings, but I have a bunch I need to finish and I'd like to do more speedpainting practice. Craft fairs are sprouting up this time of year, and I would do more if I had stock, but as it is, I mainly need to sit down and have a jewelry-palooza.

Summer
My friends are rebooting their gaming series Snack and Fitzgerald, so I imagine I'll be spending a good chunk of my summer days off filming videos. It should be a good excuse to get lots done and play lots of board games. 

Appreciation

We all have the desire to be appreciated. We want our efforts recognized and our accomplishments known. We want to feel like we've made a difference to someone or something we've worked on.

I've drawn all my life. I was always better than average, but never super great. My art was appreciated among family, but really paled next to classmates work. I guess it just wasn't my strongest point. Writing was. 

I started writing in sixth grade. It was for a school project where we would write a story and put it in a nicely bound book. I remember being in the spotlight through that class, between the books I wrote (smaller than a chapter of my published novel, but at the time, very lengthy), the six foot long scroll I made on a history of dragons, and my published poetry. I can't even begin to imagine how often my friends told me I should be a writer.

By the time I was writing Among the People Lost, friends were in college. To a lot of them, it probably seems like a really stupid thing to do. Why spend a couple hundred hours writing a book when I could be learning how to make thousands as a doctor? It was just generally ignored, for the most part.

The people who really appreciated it and kept me writing it were people on the internet and Tim. Tim read over every chapter as I wrote it and helped make sure everything was clear, well-written, and not stupid as hell. Halfway through the book, I started posting it to DeviantART, since by then, I knew how the rest was going to go and I was confident that I wouldn't have to backtrack and change the beginning.

I had several people tell me they were really enjoying reading it, and that meant a lot. It helped dull the fact that at least 98% of my friends didn't even care enough to read a chapter. When I learned how easy it was to self publish on Kindle, I decided that if the people reading it enjoyed it, it was good enough to be my first published novel.

Even after I put the book on Kindle, most of my friends didn't seem to be too impressed. I must have at least eight people that said they'd pick it up and never have. It's disappointing to think that very few people are actually willing to put in a few minutes to read a bit and support your work.

When I applied at Target in November, the interview was a series of questions on accomplishments and team work and all sorts of things that really don't indicate how well you work a cash register. I used my book publication to answer a question about a big project, and the guys interviewing me seemed really impressed. I've mentioned it to a couple coworkers at Walmart, and they seem really damn impressed, too.

The people I'm getting the most appreciation out of are the people who wish they could have done the same thing rather than going into a job unloading trucks or asking nervous people tons of questions. I imagine that once all my friends are done with school and hating their careers, they'll look at me continuing to do my art and my writing, and some of them will wish they hadn't given up on their own personal goals.

A little appreciation really goes a long way. I've barely gotten any, and it's still been enough to keep me going on this path lined with words and painted trees.

Among the People Lost on Kindle

My recent digital paintings:

 

Things I Did This Week

1. Ate fish sticks! I've never had fish before in my life. Seriously. XD

2. Started unloading trucks at Walmart. It's kinda fun. :D

3. Learned how to speedpaint from watching a very good tutorial.

4. Ran out of money from Target and tax returns.

5. Got my first Walmart paycheck to replenish that money.

6. Made chicken marinated in whiskey. It had lots of flavor.

7. Took nice portraits of Tim.

8. Tried Nutella. Not as tasty as everyone thinks it is, in my opinion.

9. Started eating bagels with peanut butter instead of plain.

10. Pulled super heavy pallets ALL OVER WALMART.

11. Made a meal schedule to incorporate more variety and healthiness into my diet and Tim's.

12. Spent minimal time on Facebook and maximum time being productive.

I guess this is a spring for getting in shape, getting healthier, and lots of food. :P

Art Features

I just found a whole ton of super crazy awesome art, and I want to share it, so here's a list of arts. :D Be sure to check out the artists' sites for the rest of the photos in the series.

Book Carvings by Guy Laramee

That's a bunch of books that have had the pages carved. 

See More -> 

Flower X-Rays by Brendan Fitzpatrick

See More ->

Finger-painted Charcoal Mural by Judith Braun

See More -> 

Ink in Water Photos by Alberto Seveso

See More -> 

Pinned Skin Collages by David Adley

All the pieces of paper used are cut from magazine photos of people and pinned to form a collage.

See More -> 

Daily Art - Closed Doors

An abandoned building at the baseball field across the street from my house.

Daily Art - Field Painting

Daily Art - Famine

Daily Art - Lelouch Trace

I traced a screenshot from Code Geass in an attempt to study all the layers of shading and how everything is put together. I learned that it's way more than it looks like. :P

Daily Art - "Sinew"

Daily Art - "Cloud Arcs"

Daily Art - "The Violet Hourglass"

Daily Art - "Dream Coil"

Seasonal Depression

There's a specific kind of depression known as SAD, or Seasonal Affected Disorder. Basically, certain seasons make you unreasonably sad, and it passes when the season passes. Usually it's winter. Anyway, I've never had it. I love the fall and spring for the colors and temperatures, the summer for the time outdoors, and the winter for the snow. All year round is great in my area, as far as I can see.

This year, though, winter just really got to me. We had temperatures that fluctuated on a weekly basis between 20 and 55 degrees, and any snow we got (which was not enough) was gone the next day. I've very much been ready for spring to come so I can at least have fun doing things outside.

Yesterday, I was pretty sure I wasn't feeling up to doing stuff, but I'd already made the commitment and had nothing better to do, so I was willing to go out. I went out onto the porch to see what kind of jacket I needed to wear. It was a wonderful 73 degrees outside. I ended up leaving my hoodie in the car because I was starting to get too hot. It was the best damn thing ever.

My bedroom window was open all night and my room is still warm. I can do things outside without my fingers going numb from the cold and the joints aching, and I can get ready for starting my veggie garden. Most importantly, it's about time I get back to doing things. I've been neglecting massive amounts of stuff, and that needs to stop. I have art to make and things to write. 

Photography

I used to think photography was a cheap form of art. Anyone can take a picture and call it art. Just use the standard rule of thirds, make it a clear shot, and hope people like it, right? Or you can go the photojournalism route and not even bother with interesting composition, just so long as you get your subject in there.

When I got a camera for Christmas a few years ago, I figured I'd experiment a little with photography. Take some pictures, sell prints...easy. My first few photos were pretty dull in retrospect, but one won a weekly photo contest, and that was cool.

This won something. I was sort of surprised.

I started taking more interest in other photographers on DeviantART very gradually. Even now, I only follow two or three photographers. I prefer digital paintings and such. Below is the first photograph (besides an adorable kitten) that I added to my favorites on DA. I was drawn to the surreality of it. It's far different than the average cityscape.

ghostly Hong Kong V by *photoport on deviantART 

Eventually, I found a lot of interesting photographs. People who played with shutter speed, infrared lenses, blurs, and all sorts of things to get really interesting effects...even just really great shots of cool landscapes or buildings.

tide and time by *sassaputzin on deviantART

Palace gardens by =master-photo on deviantART 

Turbulent by =IvanAndreevich on deviantART

clouds 'n lights by ~Fersy on deviantART

I took an interest in photos with models, too. I came to learn that there's a lot more to photographing someone than just taking a snapshot.

inner.guitarist by *nheira on deviantART

Home In The Stars by *SongOfTheDay on deviantART

He has unfortunately deactivated his account. It ruined my life a little.

I've done a lot of photography since I first started. I've found a new appreciation for it. I plan on getting a more expensive camera at some point to get into the fun shutter speed stuff. For now, lots of nature and still life, and that's okay. It's something I've found I actually enjoy doing.

Creative Blocks

I have them. :|

I evidently can't even write a blog post about said creative blocks. This is not going well. I bought some clay tonight, and where that won't get anything written, maybe I'll just screw around with that for a while and then try to write everything I need to write in the morning. Yeah. Seems like a plan.

Music Project

I'm starting off the new year with a brand new project that will be on-going for quite a long time. For months, I've been thinking of doing a music project. Music has always been very important to me, and I feel like I've sort of gotten away from it a little in the past couple years. Well, lately I've been finding new music and rediscovering a lot of old stuff. Music is my biggest inspiration. Among the People Lost wouldn't have happened (at least not as soon or the same way) if I hadn't heard Five Finger Death Punch's "Bad Company" cover. Point is, I friggin love music.

My project is simple - make art for every song I love.

That sounds like a lot, and that's why this thing is so big. I don't really plan on stopping or calling it complete at any point. I'm making a new Music Project folder at the bottom of my DeviantART gallery, copying the song-inspired art I already have there, and will be adding to it as I make stuff. I'll still sort things into their respective Fractal, Jewelry, Photography, etc folders, but now there will be that nice thing at the bottom to view all my music-inspired art at once.

Also, I'm so behind on everything art related. I need to do some hardcore organization and work recovery so I can get back to doing things.

Meaning

A lot of people seem to think their lives have no meaning. For me, art has always been my meaning. Music, whether I'm listening to it, playing it, writing it, or it's just a part of the background, has always been very uplifting, motivating, and inspirational. Drawing has become more prominent as of late. It's really nice making art for someone's tattoo idea or whatever and seeing them really pleased with your work. Fractals, jewelry, photography, writing...they're all really rewarding. It's great doing stuff that other people enjoy, especially when it's really fun to do in the first place.

Working 42 hours a week has really changed that. Suddenly, I'm lucky to write 20 words a day or listen to 5 songs other than the ones playing on the ride to and from work. I went out yesterday (it feels like a month ago already) to a flea market, and that was a nice change of pace. Then I worked until 1:40 AM, stayed up until 6 AM, and slept until 4. I'll be going to bed after only 5 hours of being awake just so I can be up for my early morning shifts this week.

Point is, I've hit this horrid cycle of trying and failing to sleep, being exhausted when I have to get up and go to work, then getting off and being too sore from work to get anything done. Today is my day off; that's the only reason I'm finding time for this blog post.

I have a Christmas ornament to mail out. I have a large batch of barbecue sauce to make and mail. I have a half-completed medical assistance form that needs to be finished and mailed back. I lost a tattoo commission because I was days late. It's all just very frustrating, disheartening, and generally depressing.

I'd love to just take two days off and get stuff done, but I know that, in all likelihood, I'd spend the first day just recovering from working. People just seem to get ruder and more unpleasant as Christmas grows closer. Working register at Target the past week, I've gained so much stress just from dealing with people. I'd much rather be out on the sales floor helping people find things than standing at a register bagging items and arguing that the $30 DVD someone is holding is not the $20 one that's on sale for $14. I usually give up, mostly to keep my own sanity relatively intact.

I've taken in mostly chocolate, sweets, and caffeine over the past week. I baked myself an entire cake just to have cake. It was what I did while I should have been making my second test batch of sauce. Point is, I'm sort of miserable.

I think the worst part is that I can handle this job. I'm fast, efficient, and don't call off unless I'm sick. I'm there on time and leave when they want me to leave. It's just not bad enough for me to need to quit. It's even improving my health in some ways. I'm regaining a lot of muscle that I lost from inactivity, and I'm getting used to being active again.

I'm only a seasonal hire. I have 90 days of employment, and maybe they'll decide to keep me, but I don't plan on staying. I'm just really unwilling to quit a job that I only have for 3 months. I'd rather be able to say I finished my seasonal time without issue.

The whole thing is pretty awful. I know I can do it, and that doesn't make it any better. I don't want to do it, but I want to quit even less. It's just a big pile of obligations and priorities that I don't want to deal with. 

On Discouragement

I have had one hell of a time starting college. When I was in 8th grade, I wanted to be a writer. Somewhere along the line while doing a career research project, I realized how tough of a career that really was. I definitely don't want to spend years searching for a publisher only to have them demand books in a very short period and for not all that much pay. Being a writer is something I want to do on my own.

My views shifted to psychology. I love learning about the human mind. It also would help with important character development in that writing thing. I dropped that idea because there was just too much medical school involved.

I'm pretty sure Latin teaching was my next goal. It lasted for a long time, though it suffered fatal blows when my high school dropped me out and it came to my attention that I would have a monstrous amount of work to do in order to catch up. That wasn't the real killing strike, though. That came when I learned that my high school had cancelled their Latin program. I have no interest in teaching in a private school.

Now, I have my sights set on a Visual Arts program. I thought I would start in the fall. I didn't. I expected to wait another year, and suddenly, just a few days ago, I realized I could get in and start in January. I called the college a few days later to schedule an appointment.

They haven't called back yet. See, the program requires some stuff I'm not sure I can get, and with the enrollment deadline only 4 days away, I need to talk to someone who can answer my questions.

The program I'm interested in requires a recommendation from an art teacher and a portfolio. I can get a portfolio together, depending on what I need for it, but I had just one art teacher in high school. I didn't finish her class because I got dropped out. I don't even remember her name.

They seem to need a recommendation in general, now, which wasn't needed last I knew. With my favorite teacher retired and unreachable, I may have to ask a teacher who doesn't really know how good I've gotten at stuff in the past few years.

It's all been really discouraging. I'm sort of facing this possibility now that after everything I've done to get here, I might have to wait until the fall just because I can't get things done in time.

On the other hand, this stuff is wonderfully exciting.

I'm already a writer. I blog, I have a book published, and I have a webzine. It's not what I was going for originally, but it's an enjoyable, rewarding experience. I didn't need college to get me here.

I still plan on studying psychology, and I've learned a lot through independent research as my writing requires.

Part of the reason I decided against a teaching career was the limitations it would place on my art. No one wants their kids around a teacher who draws naked elves in her spare time. Not that I do, but you never know, you know? 

Art is what I like doing. In its many forms, it's always what I come back to, and even if a Visual Arts degree doesn't get me a career, it will certainly help me get the skills I need to make more money doing freelance work.

Really, what I expect from college is not to gain a career so much as to gain the knowledge and experience to make a living doing whatever I want to do. That's all anyone can hope to achieve, I think. 

Hello, December!

So, I'm pretty sure November was the fastest 30 days of my life. That was gone in no time! :O

I'm going to spam you with updates now because I haven't done anything but writing tips all month. Sound good? Awesome.

Projects

-The second issue of my webzine The Dragon's Claw is here.

-The Devil's Blade is on hold for a few months while I make it 20% cooler and 80% more badass.

-I'll be working on the prequel to Among the People Lost that follows Dante and Hunter.


Promotion

Since you're all likely buying gifts and spending money this time of year, I'd appreciate any business you can send my way. :)

Dragonistic
-Facebook I'll be adding Christmas items really soon! Possibly tomorrow when I'm off.
-Zazzle
-CafePress

DeviantART prints

Among the People Lost


Personal

-Work is eating all my time. I won't be around as much, and holidays are going to eat the rest of my time.

-I'm not sick or dying anymore! Maybe.

-Work is doing several things to me. First, I have no time anymore to do hobbies. Second, it's fixing some of my health issues. I'm getting stronger from lifting things, my appetite has increased to a much more healthy level, I'm able to function on less sleep without feeling nauseous, and I don't get dizzy as easily. Third, I feel my mental stability going to hell. I don't think I can handle not having any time to release tension and ease stress with crafts and art.

December Is Too Early

I have a seriously huge amount of things going on in my life right now. Some people very close to me are going through some major life changes, and in at least one case, that life change is in a very different direction than I am willing to go.

I was all set to start college his past fall. I was totally ready to just go ahead and make some new friends and such. That didn't happen. Mostly, some things came up for Tim, and the plan was to go together, so I didn't apply. Well, he may not start this year, either. As soon as I realized that, the desire to just go ahead and continue on my way without him became really strong. I decided I'd start for the spring semester. Unfortunately, the spring semester starts in December. I was hoping for January. I know it's not that big of a difference, but there's a bunch of stuff I'd like to get done between now and school, and a lot of that stuff goes down in December. I'm going to have to wait until August now.

I really can't wait to go to college. I've been out of high school since 2009, and that wasn't even by choice. My senior year of high school (and part of my junior year) was taken away without any warning, and I lost a lot of friends because I was never there to talk to them. 

Even deeper than that, I really look forward to the fresh start that college will give me. I had some strange phases in my school life. I'm sure I put off a lot of potential friends. I think I've changed a lot since I dropped out. No one sees me as an artist and writer, though; they see me as the girl with tons of health problems who dropped out and lived with her boyfriend at 17. They also probably see me as the girl who's always angry at everything and has the most pessimistic views ever. In reality, I'm really optimistic, and not really all that angry. I know that's the image I sort of put out there for myself, and I know it's my fault lots of people didn't like me. Now I'm older and want to change that.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was in school. In ways, it has been a lifetime. All of these health issues have really changed my perspective on life. They aren't going away, and I'm done with doctors doing inconclusive tests every few months. I'm stuck with this failing, fragile body, and I'm probably not going to live very long (in comparison to the average, at least), so I'd damn well better start making the best of it. I'll be the first to admit that there are days I'd rather curl up and die than get out of bed and deal with the pain, but I always do it. Other days, I remember that I have stuff to do, put on my serious face, and blatantly ignore the pain while I get that stuff done. The joys of being bipolar, right?

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm not the person that my schoolmates knew and disliked, and I'm ready and willing to go out there and meet some new people. You know, people I actually have things in common with and meet on my own, who know me the way I want to be known.

Related - I realized a few weeks ago that even though I have a full novel published, English teachers are going to hate me. English teachers always hate me.