The Pros and Cons of My Health

I have more things wrong with me than I can keep track of. It's not all bad, though, and in some things are half great and half awful. There's almost definitely stuff I'm missing, but this is what I came up with over a few days.

The Good Stuff

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.

I can eat a full meal to the point of being very full, then be hungry again two hours later. I can essentially eat whatever I want and never gain a pound.

2. I'm bipolar.

The manic half of bipolar disorder leads to days of hyper, productive euphoria and good moods.

3. I look nice.

I have reasonably clear skin and a decent figure. I'm more comfortable with my body than most people ever will be.

4. I have excellent hearing.

It can be a little selective at times, but I can hear really slight sounds and make out conversations from very far away.

5. I metabolize sugar faster than most people.

This allows me to take in massive amounts of pixie sticks and not turn diabetic.

6. I have a high tolerance for pain.

Mostly because I live with it every day.

7. I have perfect blood pressure.

This amazes me. Everything else wrong, and my BP is right where it should be on the dot.

8. I'm a fast runner.

I'm short, so my tiny little legs don't let me keep up with everyone as well as I'd like, but I can run pretty fast if I need to.

9. I heal insanely fast.
I'm hard to cut open. If I do get a cut, it has to be really deep before I bleed even the tiniest amount. I almost never bruise. I don't callus. I heal so fast that I rarely scar, and my scars fade a lot over time. My broken finger healed like, two weeks ahead of schedule, much to the happiness of my doctor. 

The Bad Stuff 

1. My metabolism is ridiculously fast.

It's speeding up. I lost a bunch of weight a couple years ago. I was at 105 at my heaviest, I think, which was essentially a perfect weight for little 5-foot-tall me. I dropped down to 92 over the course of about 3 months, and no one knew why. I had no change in diet or anything. It just sort of happened when all my other issues happened. I've gotten back up to 95, and now, even though I eat constantly, I can't gain any more. I'm always hungry. I eat more than my boyfriend does, and he's gaining weight. There's not really much I can do about it.

2. I'm bipolar.

The depressive aspect of bipolar disorder comes with being miserable, snapping at everyone, feeling tired, being sad, and just generally being really unhappy with everything. There are also a whole ton of negative things that are symptoms, most of which I have (though whether they're from the bipolar or something else I don't know), such as chronic pain, mood swings, etc.

3. I have frequent headaches.

Sometimes they come on by themselves. Others, they're triggered. I get headaches really easily. Too much noise will give me one. So will frequently switching songs without hearing them fully. I think it's because it breaks the flow that my mind expects, but that's just a theory. I don't like loud noises; having the TV too loud is actually quite painful. Sounds I dislike, like whistling, can give me one. Interestingly enough, I've done entire works of art in Sharpie and had no issues.

4. My joints all ache.

I have arthritis in my hands. My left index finger, which I broke a few years ago, just started having severe pain. My right wrist was starting to develop carpal tunnel once, but I was able to reverse it. My knees ache a lot.

5. I have to crack my joints to keep them from causing excruciating pain.

I can crack a whole ton of things. It's how I start my morning so I can move. As time passes, my joints get very stiff and sore as pressure builds up. Cracking joints relieves the pressure, loosens them up, and lets me continue working. My back is the best example of this. My spine sort of contracts, and if I don't crack it, it feels like the bones are grating, and the slightest movement sends a sharp pain down my back as if I've been stabbed. It hurts enough that I can't move for a second after it happens. Cracking it makes it all better. It sucks, especially, since I know lots of people don't like the sound, but I really do need to do it. 

6. I have slight scoliosis.

It's a condition where your spine is curved. In my case, it's likely from heavy backpacks in my early school years. It's minor, but it makes my back a little sore sometimes depending on how I sit.

7. I probably have asthma.

At the very least, I have really weak lungs. Moderate exertion makes my lungs burn and ache, and it takes over an hour before the pain goes away. I spent most of my childhood years in a trailer we heated with kerosene heaters. I suspect the oily smoke didn't help my lung development much.

8. I have a very weak immune system.

I get sick easily. I get very high fevers, and there have been several times when I've spent a week being really, really sick.

9. I frequently get dizzy.

Seeing lights burst in my vision, dark spots, and sometimes my vision just going black all happen all to frequently. It happens a lot when I do too much physical activity, but sometimes I'll just be sitting at my computer doing nothing.

10. I cant handle heat.

My body runs at 95 degrees. It pretty much stops functioning in temperatures above 95, and slows down drastically above 85. I get nauseous to the point where I barely eat, I get dizzy, I black out, and I can't breathe. Last year, my boyfriend and I went to a big camping/concert/party weekend. The last day there, we were packing up the tent in the sun, and it was probably about 92 degrees. I hadn't eaten much for breakfast because our stove ran out of propane. I blacked out, almost threw up, and ended up sitting on the bumper in the shade soaking myself with water while he did most of the work. My heart rate was way up, and so was my breathing. I don't know if that was heat stroke point, but if it wasn't, it was pretty damn close.

11. I have terrible balance.

I'm lucky I can stand up without tipping over, and I do tip a lot. My ex used to say I'd better never end up in a situation where I needed to take a sobriety test, because I would fail miserably when totally sober. I can walk in high heels and sprint through the woods no problem, though.

12. I'm slightly lactose intolerant.

It's really minor, so it's not a huge deal, but it makes me a little picky about how much of what kind of milk I'm willing to drink. Too much makes me queasy.

13. My eyesight is awful.

I inherited bad eyesight on, like, all sides of my family. Things get blurry about 10 inches from my face, if that.

14. I sweat a lot.

Maybe it's because of my metabolism. I really don't know. It sucks, though. Even when I'm cold, I sweat.

15. I can't eat a lot.

I have a small stomach. On top of that, when I eat a lot, my heart rate speeds up and I get really tired while I digest stuff. I feel sort of sick and dizzy for about an hour.

16. I have a high tolerance for medication.

That means not much works for me, which isn't very good.

17. I have a few specific aches and pains that keep coming back.

I sometimes get a sharp pain in my left leg (right where it meets the hip) that forces me to walk with a really slight limp. I get it every now and then, and it goes away pretty quickly. My right ankle bothers me sometimes. My jaw hurts sometimes because I grind my teeth at night.

18. I get tons of bug bites.

My boyfriend and I have pretty substantial evidence that bugs go for the sweeter blood, and because of my naturally high blood sugar, I'm always the first choice. He used to be the only one in his family to ever get bitten. When I'm around, I get all the bites and he doesn't get any.

19. I can't tread water.

I mean, I can, but only for about 30 seconds. I'm not very buoyant, and my legs are sort of weak.

20. Being startled is very painful for me.

Adrenaline makes my heart beat faster and my chest ache. It really hurts, and it takes a while for that to calm down and go away. I don't appreciate being scared.

21. My heart rate can go past 200 when sitting still.

It fluctuates rapidly. It's anything but slow and steady.

22. I have frequent chest pains.

Doctors have looked and found nothing. Of course.

23. I can't stay on a regular sleep schedule.

I'm all over the place. Being bipolar doesn't help any, especially when I can stay up for 26 hours before feeling tired, be awake for 8 hours and need sleep, or be unable to stay asleep for more than 6 hours.

24. Sometimes my hands shake horribly.

Other times they're perfectly steady. 

Things That Really Scare Me

We all have our phobias. Spiders, falling, and dozens of other things in varying degrees are among mine. Then there are the bigger things, some on which are unavoidable, that really make those phobias seem like nothing. Some of these may seem a little contradictory, but in my warped mind, they all make sense. So, in no particular order, here's a bunch of really serious things that make me want to freeze myself until a time when none of these happen.

Dying
Death is something that scares me quite a bit. It's not a spiritual reason; I have enough confidence in my beliefs that I'll get to where I need to go. I'm mainly very afraid that I'll die before doing things I want to do. With all the health problems I have (among them are an unhealthily fast metabolism and a heart rate that hits 200 resting), I worry a lot that I'm going to die young. I feel almost rushed to finish the things I want to finish. I want people to look at my life and appreciate all the things I've done. The last thing I want to do is die before I reach my goals.

Losing my Memory
I've always had an exceptionally good memory. I can clearly picture instances from as young as two years old. I have hundreds of songs memorized word for word, note for note, and I can rattle off tons of useless trivia. What I care about the most are the memories of my friends. I don't want to ever forget all the local concerts and dates and game nights and philosophical conversations. If I could, I would almost definitely have brain implants just to improve my memory. I'm just a really, really sentimental person, I guess.

Going Insane
There are times I feel like I'm losing my tentative hold on reality. It always freaks me out a little when I catch myself wondering if things are real or a figment of my imagination.

Being Hospitalized
As much as I like being alive, I never want to do it solely because of machines hooked up to my body. When this frail shell decides to stop supporting me, then it's time to go, in my mind. Even less-serious hospital stays scare me a lot. I've never had to stay overnight at a hospital, though I've been in plenty of times to have them tell me my racing heart and aching chest are showing no problems. I've laid on a bed with an IV in my arm for a few hours, and that wasn't as terrible as it could have been, but feeling cold fluid pump into my arm was unsettling, to say the least. I just don't look forward to the inevitable day when I have to spend the night in an unfamiliar bed while my health is in danger.

Driving
This is a weird one. I never want to drive. Not only does it terrify me, but I feel I would most certainly put other drivers in danger. I get nervous and adrenaline-y just thinking about it. First of all, I've a very jumpy person. Even just seeing someone outside the bathroom after opening the door, even if I know they're there, makes me jump. It's ridiculous, I know. The heart rate goes up and my chest starts to hurt because that's what happens when I get scared. I get severe pain and need to rest for a while. Do you really want someone like me driving in front of you on the road? Furthermore, my depth perception is practically nonexistent. I have very, very poor spacial reasoning. To top it off, my coordination is really damn bad.

Having Children
I don't want children. I don't like them. That should be clear to anyone who reads my blog, I think. Still, the thought has crossed my mind many times - what would I do if I got pregnant? I'm not entirely convinced that my body could handle the stress. My joints are weak, my muscles are weak, and I'm 95 pounds of five-foot-tall health concerns. My biggest concern is my metabolism. I have a small stomach, so I eat small amounts, but I eat very frequently. I can eat a full meal every three hours if I wanted to. I'm constantly hungry, constantly snacking, and during PMS, I'm binge eating like there's no tomorrow. My metabolism actually seems to have gotten a little faster over the past few years, and I've lost ten pounds that I'm unable to gain back. I don't think a metabolism like that would be very good at supporting me and a developing fetus. It barely supports me as it is. Major health concerns aside, the whole thought of pregnancy and childbirth scares the hell out of me. All the pains and stretching and gross things just make me never want to do it.

Getting Old
I want to live forever. That is, so long as I don't age. When I was 16, I developed arthritis. It's only gotten worse. My knees ache when I go up and down stairs. My lungs hurt if I walk too much. I already tell my boyfriend I must have the body of a 90-year-old. I really, really don't want to keep getting worse, but I know that's how it's going to go.

Losing a Sense
This would drive me crazy. I love music too much to live without my hearing. I can't do art if I lose my sight. I can't cook if I lose my taste or smell. You're screwed no matter what if you lose touch, but luckily, that doesn't really happen.

Surgery
I had to have a cavity filled a few years ago. I almost had a heart attack. I was shaking and everything. It was all sort of terrible. It wasn't even that bad. I can't imagine having to be unconscious for something. With the major surgeries, that fear of dying or being hospitalized comes into play, too. Surgery is just something that will ruin my life on of these days.

The Bottom

You always hear about people "hitting rock bottom," but what is the bottom, really? Is there ever really a point where nothing could possibly get any worse, and if there is, has anyone truly hit it?

I've suffered with health problems for almost three years now. They took away a year and a half of high school experiences, led to me losing countless friends, and have just generally made my life miserable. It's no fun having tons of free time if most of it is spent with a horrible headache, resting because your heart rate skyrockets past 200 and you see dark spots bursting in your vision. Weekly occurence for me. Seriously.

On top of all of that, there are the mental issues. Being bipolar helps absolutely nothing. I mean, maybe the manic parts help, but not enough to offset all the horrible depression. It's really damn hard going from a euphoric state of productivity and a feeling of invincibility to a state where you really wish you would just die and not have to deal with anyone anymore. It's hard on everyone involved, really, not just me.

Even at my lowest points, when I think I'm ready to just walk away and never look back, I can't say I've hit that proverbial rock bottom, and that scares me. I've watched things get worse. I've felt them get really, really bad, when they were already nearly unbearable. I've found myself wondering just how close to the verge of insanity I really am, wondering how much of so many things are real, or if I'm imagining things completely. It's hard feeling like you're about to totally lose it when you know there are still miles of dirt under you that can crumble away at any time.

A Long Road

Chances are if you've held a conversation with me at any time, you know I've had health problems for the past few years. Dizziness, fatigue, pain, and heart problems were enough to drop me out of high school and put many things in my life on indefinite hold.

As far as education is concerned, I'm convinced that dropping out of high school was the best thing the school could have forced upon me. I didn't mean to drop out; it happened because I missed a lot of days and Abington Heights decided to unenroll me. It lifted a lot of stress and removed tons of classes that I would never use. It gave me an opportunity to freely persue hobbies like drawing, jewelry, and fractals, among others. I wouldn't be as far ahead in those areas - if involved in them at all - if I had finished high school.

I'll be heading to college this fall, if all goes accordingly, to persue a career as a high school social studies teacher. Lately, I've wondered what this choice will do for the more artistic areas of my life, so I intend to continue building my art skills as well.

As for my health, years of searching for things has brought me no difinitive answers. Though I haven't gone to a doctor to formally diagnose it, I'm positive that I have bipolar disorder. How I discovered that is a strange story that's sort of irrelevent at the moment. I have no answers for the headaches and dizziness, other than a stressful life. I have several possibilities for chest pains, all of which are untreatable. My heart palpitations (my heart rate can pass 200 while sitting) have no answers, either.

There are a lot of areas in my life that I feel need work, and with some recent developments concerning some people very close to me, I think it's about time I take those areas by the reigns and organize them into their respective stalls. I feel I've strayed quite far from things that used to fuel my inspiration and give me something to look forward to every day. Health issues have kept me away from other aspects of my life for too long. If I have to live my life with these health issues, so be it, just as long as I can get the rest of my life on track and moving in the direction I'd like it to go.

A Long Absence

Stuff is, well, a wreck. I'm having terrible heart palpitations, and just yesterday, I had some really bad pain from food poisoning. Don't eat bad potatoes. Seriously. I'm busy working on the video game still. There's lots of concept art for me to do. I'm still writing, and I'm trying to get super hardcore awesome at digital art. That's what's going on with me. I can't say when I'll have enough time to get back to doing this blog, but I really do plan on it.

Insanity and My Addiction to Pain

I know this little blog isn't super popular. I only have 6 subscribers in total, and a couple of those are only here for my daily art and jewelry crap. I don't see the names of the people who subscribe to my blog's feed, but I'm willing to bet that those people aren't four of my closest friends who know me inside out. Most of the things I blog about aren't really personal. I mainly want to share my art, recipes, and (sometimes) experiences. This post, however, will give you a real look into my life and mind.

I am probably one of the best examples of a person debilitated by stress. I live with three cats, my mother, her two sisters, and her two brothers, one of which has Down Syndrome. My boyfriend moved in about a year and a half ago. So far, maybe this doesn't seem so bad. What seventeen-year-old gets to live with her boyfriend, for that's how old I was at the time he moved in? Keep in mind that no one in my family went to college. They all have entry-level jobs in food service, so they put in about forty hours a week for little money. That's part of why we live together. The bigger reason is to take care of Chris, my retarded uncle.

My two aunts (I have a third, but she is the only married member of the family and lives outside of this house) are easily two of the dumbest, ignorant, most miserable people I've ever met. They're kind to others, especially at work where they deal with people all day, but all the tension and anger piles up until the get home, when they complain about things that are out of their control and have stupid reasons for hating the world. They also fuss over the cats like they're their children, picking them up whenever they walk by, kissing them constantly (and loudly) and talking to them like babies. It's beyond words how awful this is. My cat's shrink back from them sometimes, but they don't care.

Among almost all of the family members, there's arguing. My mom is almost deaf in one ear from wearing a headset at work all day, so she's obnoxiously loud naturally, and pairing that with a couple irritable people makes for stress that you can't know unless you've been there. Recently, my uncle Chris has been declining, and it seems like every plan to get him help has failed to get off the ground. No one really knows how to treat him kindly, so he goes into his room and screams at them through the door. They usually yell back. More stress.

I have almost every stress-induced symptom known to man. I have severe joint pain, insomnia, chronic fatigue (even when I sleep well), weight issues (loss in my case), dizziness, headaches, migraines, and spotty vision. All of that made me miss so much school my junior year that the school dropped me out. Up until my junior year I only had the headaches and insomnia, then everything came on at once. Instead of staying up for 24 hours, I could only stay awake for 8. I was a wreck.

I've been depressed for years, probably as early as my seventh grade, I'd say. I'm the type to really lash out at someone who really pisses me off, but I usually have to hold that in check. I have enough control to never lash out at a teacher, for instance, mostly because I've always cared very much about consequences and first impressions. My anger is reserved for those who will forgive me later, which has caused more problems than anything, really. I've been in relationships that were perfect up until it reached a certain point of comfort, then they attracted my wrath like a magnet, ending the relationship.

Music has been my outlet. Many people out there say metal and hard rock music promotes violence. Maybe for the weak. For me, I channel my anger into those grinding melodies and let it relax me. The metal pulls the anger away, and I feel much better afterwards. I've never turned to smoking, cutting, drugs, or alcohol. Those leave permanent scars, and scars aren't consequences I like. Furthermore, what if alcohol, for instance, brought me pain relief that I never imagined? Then I have the type of personality to become Clark Summit, PA's next alcoholic. Good bye, life! I don't even like taking pain relievers for the same reason. I know Advil is not physically addictive, but I don't want it as my crutch. I've built up an abnormally high pain tolerance over the years just because I've suffered through so many headaches.

With my current boyfriend Tim in the picture, my insomnia has barely existed. But right now he's away for a two week testing period at a college he may attend. He's been gone over a week, and in that week, I've barely slept. All the stress has no outlet. I'm a machine of angst, adrenaline, and pain. Every part of my body hurts right now.

With every waking hour, I feel a million emotions. The slightest thing makes me panic. I'm hostile to almost everyone and everything. Little bits of insanity keep poking in through my armor of anger, weakened as it is by my horrid sleep patterns. I feel the need to release all of it, but I can't. I'm drawn to that pain like a heroine addict is drawn to a needle. I let it build and build, and the more it builds, the more insane I become - the more sadistic, panicked, volatile, and agonized I become. It is a terrifying, exhilarating, tingling feeling all over my body. All the conflicting emotions bring out the adrenaline and the inspiration.

I have spent years training myself to embrace the pain rather than hide it. I practically absorb it into myself, using it as fuel to keep myself going day after day.

Perhaps that is why I am an insomniac.