Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Bottom

You always hear about people "hitting rock bottom," but what is the bottom, really? Is there ever really a point where nothing could possibly get any worse, and if there is, has anyone truly hit it?

I've suffered with health problems for almost three years now. They took away a year and a half of high school experiences, led to me losing countless friends, and have just generally made my life miserable. It's no fun having tons of free time if most of it is spent with a horrible headache, resting because your heart rate skyrockets past 200 and you see dark spots bursting in your vision. Weekly occurence for me. Seriously.

On top of all of that, there are the mental issues. Being bipolar helps absolutely nothing. I mean, maybe the manic parts help, but not enough to offset all the horrible depression. It's really damn hard going from a euphoric state of productivity and a feeling of invincibility to a state where you really wish you would just die and not have to deal with anyone anymore. It's hard on everyone involved, really, not just me.

Even at my lowest points, when I think I'm ready to just walk away and never look back, I can't say I've hit that proverbial rock bottom, and that scares me. I've watched things get worse. I've felt them get really, really bad, when they were already nearly unbearable. I've found myself wondering just how close to the verge of insanity I really am, wondering how much of so many things are real, or if I'm imagining things completely. It's hard feeling like you're about to totally lose it when you know there are still miles of dirt under you that can crumble away at any time.

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